Two more
Really not dancing
Danced a dance you think you can’t complete You take a dominant risk with every step of your feet There’s no one else to criticize but yourself Don’t care of the consequences You’ll do your best to stand tall to the very last beat They all halt their procedures Their eyes are fixed upon you As you command your body to twist Disgust and resentment are intertwined within the mist Some shout, as others throw up their fist Slowly spin in circles to look each in the eye See no change, but won’t allow yourself to cry That would reflect a flaw Causing them to laugh, shift, and walk on by Instead of enchanting them With your attempt at a new all time high Having enough, the crowd abducts you with their rough hands And eject you from the dance ball Wet grass and broken glass Are what you feel at the end of your fall Routine-like, you rise, give the finger to them all, And spin on your broken heels, heading back to your dorm hall Enter and throw out rants against the wall Progress to your bedroom window to make a silent call Walk rather sluggish, over to your bed Stomach protesting, for it hasn’t been fed Memories of recent events swarm through your head Won’t stop until what I’m exclaiming is clearly read Before you drowned in unconsciousness That is exactly what you said See you really didn't dance to a beat But did something unorthodox That intoxicated the withheld heat Most alienate it, but you'll devoir yourself To drive them to see what you are doing is meant to be That's the cut that you brought upon yourself to start to bleed... Tea My mother foretold me But of course I didn’t listen What was the big deal With drinking tea So ignorant Reaching for the cup Clasping it between my hands I lift it to my lips Take a sip, my mind commands Staying cool, my tongue pretends But the singe becomes a burn My cool exterior falters Eyes grow wide I race to the kitchen To apply some chillin Upon the injured Unfortunately, my mom Makes her way where I’m at She laughs, mocking me I suffer helplessly Perhaps, if you’re walking by And if you have the time Peak through the kitchen blinds Sticking my tongue out in the air Is how you would find me |
I liked 'tea' a lot. Its a very nice little poem. I can't tell if you did this recently or when you were a little kid, which makes it funnier.
Really not dancing... this one seemed less realistic than the other one (which was definitely very real and easy to picture while reading). There are a lot of lines that I don't really understand, or rather, maybe I did get them but they didn't really make sense. "Progress to my bedroom window to make a silent call" (what does that mean? A phone call? Shouting at somebody without making noise? Have you ever actually done what you're describing, because I haven't!) "See no change, but won’t allow myself to cry That would reflect a flaw Causing them to laugh, shift, and walk on by" (why would that make them walk on by?) "Won’t stop until what I’m exclaiming is clearly read Before I drowned in unconsciousness That is exactly what I said" (where did you say it? Did you say it to yourself? Did you say it in your silent call?) I don't like it because I don't get it! Those are just individual lines, but I'd say the poem needs a big overhual to become good. As what you're describing is not an 'everybodys been there' situation, you'll need to do a lot more explaining and describing of what's going on. The poem would probably have to be quite a bit longer and broken up into verses to make more sense, so that you could set the scene better and all that. |
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I think everyone has done something someone/people don't agree with. & some people worked to get people to see their side & what not. That's what this poem is about. so that's why i dont think it would be good to make an actual scene, because everyone has something different. Get it? thank you for the comment! Yes, tea is something i experienced personally *lol*. it was when i was little. But i just made the poem. still remember what happened to this day *lol*. |
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Yes...i know this. But everyone has a different situation. *sigh, pout*
edit: cant i just let them realllly think about it? Cause some poems are like this. See my teacher is making us do these stuff for grades. |
On a seperate note, seeing our two avatars in close proximity has (from the way it looks on my screen at least) started to make me imagine that its Tupac who's dancing, in his pants, in my avatar.
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what the fuck :laughing:
i cant picture that one |
got any suggestings/examples how to make sense of this poem?
edit: opps, sry to double post |
For starters.
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Good idea!
The complaint is about whatever the reader wants it to be. Maybe i should change I into You Danced a dance you think you can’t complete Took a dominant risk with every step of your feet There’s no one else to criticize but yourself Don’t care of the consequences You’ll stand before he They all halt their procedures Their eyes are fixed upon you As you command your body to twist Disgust and resentment are intertwined within the mist Some shout, as others throw up their fist Slowly spin in circles to look each in the eye See no change, but won’t allow yourself to cry That would reflect a flaw Causing them to laugh, shift, and walk on by Instead of enchanting them With your attempt at a new all time high Having enough, the crowd abducts you with their rough hands And eject you from the dance ball Wet grass and broken glass Are what you feel at the end of your fall Routine-like, you rise, give the finger to them all, And spin on your broken heels, heading back to your dorm hall Enter and throw out rants against the wall Progress to your bedroom window to make a silent call Walk rather sluggish, over to your bed Stomach protesting, for it hasn’t been fed Memories of recent events swarm through your head Won’t stop until what I’m exclaiming is clearly read Before you drowned in unconsciousness That is exactly what you said |
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EDIT: Oh, you just did it. "You’ll stand before he" Doesn't quite fit the same rhyming sceme as before "You'll stand before he and nobody else". Would rhyme ;). (although it won't fit in exactly the same rhythm). |
*lol*, hold on let me see....
but, look... Really not about dance to a beat But do something unorthodox, Raising up the heat Most will be against it But you must make them see What you are doing Is meant to be Here’s the starting of your story... Danced a dance you think you can’t complete You take a dominant risk with every step of your feet There’s no one else to criticize but yourself Don’t care of the consequences You’ll do your best to stand tall to the very last beat They all halt their procedures Their eyes are fixed upon you As you command your body to twist Disgust and resentment are intertwined within the mist Some shout, as others throw up their fist Slowly spin in circles to look each in the eye See no change, but won’t allow yourself to cry That would reflect a flaw Causing them to laugh, shift, and walk on by Instead of enchanting them With your attempt at a new all time high Having enough, the crowd abducts you with their rough hands And eject you from the dance ball Wet grass and broken glass Are what you feel at the end of your fall Routine-like, you rise, give the finger to them all, And spin on your broken heels, heading back to your dorm hall Enter and throw out rants against the wall Progress to your bedroom window to make a silent call Walk rather sluggish, over to your bed Stomach protesting, for it hasn’t been fed Memories of recent events swarm through your head Won’t stop until what I’m exclaiming is clearly read Before you drowned in unconsciousness That is exactly what you said |
Yeah, that kind of thing.
These lines "Raising up the heat Most will be against it But you must make them see What you are doing Is meant to be" Could ,maybe do with a bit of 'beautifying' as they're very basic (although they do get the point across neatly), but the general gist is there. You could put in some inventive adjectives, or change the verbs you used so that they say the same thing but sound a bit fancier while doing! So, um, instead of saying "raising up the heat" you could say "turning up the dial on the social oven" And similar things like that, saying the same thing, but using more imagination to make it a bit more inventive. Sorry, I'm rambling here. The other three lines are fine (you could call it something other than a 'story' in the last line of the intro, but that might just be me being pretentious.) |
turning up the dial on the social oven.. :laughing:, that just makes me laugh
But chyea, I was just testing the idea, but im going to make it more creative and such....back to work for me. Thanks for the help! :beer: |
No probs.
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Really not about dance to a beat
But do something unorthodox, Intoxicating the withheld heat Most will alienate it But you devoir yourself To drive them see What you are doing is meant to be Here’s the cut That you brought upon yourself To start to bleed what do y'all think? for a introduction |
I thought the "Tea" poem was gorgeous. Very wonderful little poem - around here and certainly around modern poetry in general - we have very, very verbose and bombastic writers trying to use 5 million polysyllabic words to say "Pass the Ketchup" - these neat, simple poems are often lost in the mess.
Not gonna lie, I'm watching ESPN and didn't get through the dance piece. I have this to say though, and mind it well - vague does not = greatness. Having to explain it defeats the purpose, imo. |
would be nice if i knew what vague meant, i'll look it up sometime or ask somebody later, but chyea.
So...do you not think its good to explain? or its bad that it needs to be explained? or what? :laughing: yea, i agree. some of the people are being too complex for just simple lil things. Sometimes i dont even get it cause the words they use, they could call me whatever they want. Thank you for the comment! edit: redid it, placed the explaining at the end of the poem, but in the poem still. check it out if you wanna. |
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