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Old 05-08-2006, 02:52 PM   #1 (permalink)
a l'amou fou pou tout
 
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Really not dancing
Danced a dance you think you can’t complete
You take a dominant risk with every step of your feet
There’s no one else to criticize but yourself
Don’t care of the consequences
You’ll do your best to stand tall to the very last beat
They all halt their procedures
Their eyes are fixed upon you
As you command your body to twist
Disgust and resentment are intertwined within the mist
Some shout, as others throw up their fist
Slowly spin in circles to look each in the eye
See no change, but won’t allow yourself to cry
That would reflect a flaw
Causing them to laugh, shift, and walk on by
Instead of enchanting them
With your attempt at a new all time high
Having enough, the crowd abducts you with their rough hands
And eject you from the dance ball
Wet grass and broken glass
Are what you feel at the end of your fall
Routine-like, you rise, give the finger to them all,
And spin on your broken heels, heading back to your dorm hall
Enter and throw out rants against the wall
Progress to your bedroom window to make a silent call
Walk rather sluggish, over to your bed
Stomach protesting, for it hasn’t been fed
Memories of recent events swarm through your head
Won’t stop until what I’m exclaiming is clearly read
Before you drowned in unconsciousness
That is exactly what you said
See you really didn't dance to a beat
But did something unorthodox
That intoxicated the withheld heat
Most alienate it, but you'll devoir yourself
To drive them to see what you are doing is meant to be
That's the cut that you brought upon yourself to start to bleed...





Tea
My mother foretold me
But of course I didn’t listen
What was the big deal
With drinking tea
So ignorant
Reaching for the cup
Clasping it between my hands
I lift it to my lips
Take a sip, my mind commands
Staying cool, my tongue pretends
But the singe becomes a burn
My cool exterior falters
Eyes grow wide
I race to the kitchen
To apply some chillin
Upon the injured
Unfortunately, my mom
Makes her way where I’m at
She laughs, mocking me
I suffer helplessly
Perhaps, if you’re walking by
And if you have the time
Peak through the kitchen blinds
Sticking my tongue out in the air
Is how you would find me
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Old 05-08-2006, 03:12 PM   #2 (permalink)
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I liked 'tea' a lot. Its a very nice little poem. I can't tell if you did this recently or when you were a little kid, which makes it funnier.

Really not dancing... this one seemed less realistic than the other one (which was definitely very real and easy to picture while reading). There are a lot of lines that I don't really understand, or rather, maybe I did get them but they didn't really make sense.

"Progress to my bedroom window to make a silent call" (what does that mean? A phone call? Shouting at somebody without making noise? Have you ever actually done what you're describing, because I haven't!)

"See no change, but won’t allow myself to cry
That would reflect a flaw
Causing them to laugh, shift, and walk on by" (why would that make them walk on by?)

"Won’t stop until what I’m exclaiming is clearly read
Before I drowned in unconsciousness
That is exactly what I said"
(where did you say it? Did you say it to yourself? Did you say it in your silent call?)

I don't like it because I don't get it! Those are just individual lines, but I'd say the poem needs a big overhual to become good. As what you're describing is not an 'everybodys been there' situation, you'll need to do a lot more explaining and describing of what's going on. The poem would probably have to be quite a bit longer and broken up into verses to make more sense, so that you could set the scene better and all that.
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When Pete plays it is 100% live , your music if that's what you call it doesn't sound so good either? so you can't really critercize can you ?
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Old 05-08-2006, 03:25 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Quote:
"Progress to my bedroom window to make a silent call" (what does that mean? A phone call? Shouting at somebody without making noise? Have you ever actually done what you're describing, because I haven't!)
a silent call = calling to the heavens above that what (s)he's doing will work out



Quote:
"See no change, but won’t allow myself to cry
That would reflect a flaw
Causing them to laugh, shift, and walk on by" (why would that make them walk on by?)
(S)he’s not really about to cry. If you make a protest, but you’re not strong, do you think you’ll have a chance of being heard? See the people wouldn't actually “walk by”, but just turning a deaf ear/blinking a blind eye..whatever, to her/him.




Quote:
"Won’t stop until what I’m exclaiming is clearly read
Before I drowned in unconsciousness
That is exactly what I said"
(where did you say it? Did you say it to yourself? Did you say it in your silent call?)
(S)he whispered it out into the air, before (s)he drifted off to sleep in her/his bed.




I think everyone has done something someone/people don't agree with. & some people worked to get people to see their side & what not. That's what this poem is about. so that's why i dont think it would be good to make an actual scene, because everyone has something different. Get it?





thank you for the comment!

Yes, tea is something i experienced personally *lol*. it was when i was little. But i just made the poem. still remember what happened to this day *lol*.
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Old 05-08-2006, 03:32 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Crazy Luv
a silent call = calling to the heavens above that what she's doing will work out
I'm so extremely atheist that I honestly hadn't thought of that! Ok, that line does make sense then.


Quote:
I think everyone has done something someone/people don't agree with. & some people worked to get people to see their side & what not.
Yes, both of those statements are true, but that doesn't mean that people will understand or relate to the specific situation which you've described in the poem. The fact that you've added extra non-poem lines to explain things about the poem, and that I had to ask a few questions about it, suggests that you already realise the poem doesn't quite explain itself yet. That probably just means that you need to find a way to include the extra explanations (which you've given seperately to the poem) somewhere in the poem itself, so that the poem will work fine on its own.
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When Pete plays it is 100% live , your music if that's what you call it doesn't sound so good either? so you can't really critercize can you ?
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Old 05-08-2006, 03:34 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Yes...i know this. But everyone has a different situation. *sigh, pout*


edit: cant i just let them realllly think about it? Cause some poems are like this.

See my teacher is making us do these stuff for grades.
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Old 05-08-2006, 03:38 PM   #6 (permalink)
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On a seperate note, seeing our two avatars in close proximity has (from the way it looks on my screen at least) started to make me imagine that its Tupac who's dancing, in his pants, in my avatar.
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When Pete plays it is 100% live , your music if that's what you call it doesn't sound so good either? so you can't really critercize can you ?
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Old 05-08-2006, 03:43 PM   #7 (permalink)
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what the fuck


i cant picture that one
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Old 05-08-2006, 03:46 PM   #8 (permalink)
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got any suggestings/examples how to make sense of this poem?


edit: opps, sry to double post
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Old 05-08-2006, 03:50 PM   #9 (permalink)
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For starters.
Quote:
The main subject isnt really dancing, but doing something unorthodox. Which most people(the crowd) where she’s at(the dance ball), are against. The subject won’t back down until (s)he makes a point, until some people open their minds to it & listen.
At the beginning of the poem you could put some kind of mini-epilogue, saying what you've said above ^ but more poetically. Also, WHAT is the dancer complaining against?
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When Pete plays it is 100% live , your music if that's what you call it doesn't sound so good either? so you can't really critercize can you ?
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Old 05-08-2006, 03:55 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Good idea!

The complaint is about whatever the reader wants it to be. Maybe i should change I into You

Danced a dance you think you can’t complete
Took a dominant risk with every step of your feet
There’s no one else to criticize but yourself
Don’t care of the consequences
You’ll stand before he
They all halt their procedures
Their eyes are fixed upon you
As you command your body to twist
Disgust and resentment are intertwined within the mist
Some shout, as others throw up their fist
Slowly spin in circles to look each in the eye
See no change, but won’t allow yourself to cry
That would reflect a flaw
Causing them to laugh, shift, and walk on by
Instead of enchanting them
With your attempt at a new all time high
Having enough, the crowd abducts you with their rough hands
And eject you from the dance ball
Wet grass and broken glass
Are what you feel at the end of your fall
Routine-like, you rise, give the finger to them all,
And spin on your broken heels, heading back to your dorm hall
Enter and throw out rants against the wall
Progress to your bedroom window to make a silent call
Walk rather sluggish, over to your bed
Stomach protesting, for it hasn’t been fed
Memories of recent events swarm through your head
Won’t stop until what I’m exclaiming is clearly read
Before you drowned in unconsciousness
That is exactly what you said
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