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Old 06-10-2006, 12:50 AM   #1 (permalink)
I'm a ****er ain't I.lol
 
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Default "Revenge"

Tell me whether it needs work, or if it's good. I've had alot of things to influence my writing on this. It's still in phase one

Revenge

Eyes in the shadows,watching,plotting.
Waiting for their chance to seek their revenge.
Waiting in silence,plotting with skill.
Only they know the reason they'll avenge.

Given their own Judas Kiss,
Betrayed like the Son.
Anger burns in their souls depths,
Waiting for a chance to attack and be done.

Wrong done unto them
as seen only by their eyes.
Now they'll resist their oppressors
and destroy their wicked lies.

Once were innocent, now consumed by rage.
They will deal their wrath
Leaving their once powerful enemy
left with nothing but aftermath.
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Old 06-10-2006, 12:52 AM   #2 (permalink)
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good lyrics, dark and wicked
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Old 06-10-2006, 12:55 AM   #3 (permalink)
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The emotion is bad, its like writing out "im angry, grrr" instead of describing while you're actually angry, which is very weak. Its very cliche, all the metaphors, and stuff are just so overdone and lame.

Not to mention the topic is lame. You don't get anything about it, they're oppressed? so? How are they being opressed?
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Old 06-10-2006, 12:57 AM   #4 (permalink)
I'm a ****er ain't I.lol
 
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Now, like I said, first phase. I never said that was all there was.
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Old 06-10-2006, 12:58 AM   #5 (permalink)
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So if there's more, why not post it?
That is such a played out excuse.
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Old 06-10-2006, 01:07 AM   #6 (permalink)
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I accept all criticism, and to be honost, it doesn't bother me. But i have one question, why is it lame? What if there is a second song to be made. Three Inches Of Blood made three songs to tell a story. Each song was directed at one feeling and scenario. This is like that.
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Old 06-10-2006, 08:20 AM   #7 (permalink)
punk rock panzy ***got
 
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I kind of liked it. the only thing was that it seemed somewhat repetative. Good luck with it, anyways.
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Old 06-10-2006, 06:18 PM   #8 (permalink)
I'm a ****er ain't I.lol
 
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Thanks GI germs.
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