What you think?
 

Hurricane
Mom doing something to my older sister’s hair
Lil sister sprawled out, sleeping, leaving no room to share
Me, laughing about if we would see a dog fly by the window
Heard the tapping against the window constantly
We saw outside from the news on TV
Saw the water coming down the walls
But we were ignorant to what we were in store for
Lil sister woke-up from all the noise we were creating
While me and my older sister were checking the halls
Gasping as we saw all of them leaking
Then suddenly water sprung down from the ceiling
Less than 1-2-3, to me
The whole ceiling came crashing down
Pulled my lil sister away
But my mom was too late

i dont..ermm gwt it..flooding...?

no, Hurricane, oo, that could be the title, i don't know

^mm already a bob dylan song

George Bush likes hurricane's

I found this picture of him giving the Katrina victims relief:


















http://i50.photobucket.com/albums/f3...torefugees.jpg

http://i50.photobucket.com/albums/f3...p/badteeth.gif

^:laughing:

I know Bob Dylan has a song called Hurricane, but hes talking about a person, Im talking about an actual hurricane, does that even matter?

No, call it Hurricane if you want.

You probably need to put more detail in the introduction and create more of an ending. The middle part is fine. The introduction doesn't create a clear enough idea of what is happening and the phrase "Mom doing something to my older sister’s hair", might help to create the atmosphere of calm before the storm, but using the word something is a bad choice. Be more specific about what she's doing, as being vague at this point constitutes bad storytelling.

The ending doesn't tie very much up. So your mum's died, then what happened? The storm magically disappeared? It'd be better if you could describe the scene a bit more by saying what the surroundings looked like during this last image of you holding her while she dies. Imaging you're the movie director who's directing the camera crew and actors as to how this death scene should look, maybe? Then how would you describe it, so that people could picture that image?

This is only part one of it. Im changing the end of this one though. I will take your advice though, thank you very much.

hey
 

well, theres a song called Hurricane by Something Corporate already.

Bob Dylan should sue them.