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Old 07-15-2006, 04:59 PM   #1 (permalink)
angel of tragic days
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 924
Default Garden of Sinful Stars

All of this is up to you,
Tongue tide.
Just a future memory,
secret memory.

We're fallen into nothing.
scared to move on.
Face to the wall,
picture frame.

Longer days, lingering on.
The best of nothing.
Find your way back,
for another short kiss,
soft lips.

This is you, this is me.
Stand together,
holding hands, ocean seas.
Belonging.

this is a memory.
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Old 07-16-2006, 02:58 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Right here is the bashing you ordered ;-)

Your writing style is definately different to mine.

Good points: Nice use of snappy words which adds atmosphere, steady flow of words

Bad points: On the short side, Limited vocabulary.

Pointers: Add some more vocabulary, maybe use some metaphors.

If the song was atmospheric I think these lyrics would fit nicely.
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Old 07-16-2006, 03:22 PM   #3 (permalink)
angel of tragic days
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Winter
Right here is the bashing you ordered ;-)

Your writing style is definately different to mine.

Good points: Nice use of snappy words which adds atmosphere, steady flow of words

Bad points: On the short side, Limited vocabulary.

Pointers: Add some more vocabulary, maybe use some metaphors.

If the song was atmospheric I think these lyrics would fit nicely.
The limited to the vocab is because I didn't want it to come out strong, as short and sweet things seem to be softer, in reading and in thinking. I thought it would help with the whole memory flow, as in saying that when we think of happy moments of wish's of wants when it comes to that kiss we crave and need, the person we wish to see, do words or types of words really matter?

now it just seems as if I'm talking out of my ass, which I probably am haha, but I self admited, so there. but when I think of a kiss or whatever with my boyfriend, or of thinking how when he comes to see me again that we will creat more memories, and that someday our begining will be out past and that the vocab can be used so strong in so many ways that sometimes when looking at things as if there already memories then its best to look at them in more of a simple way other then something that seems so thought out that it seems as if it were a fake story instead of the memory of which it is.
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Old 07-16-2006, 03:51 PM   #4 (permalink)
Long time no see
 
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it is decent, it is a little short, and it has the rythem of a poem, i like it
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Old 07-17-2006, 09:44 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Fair enough, the song is intended for you to express yourself? - and therefore you should express yourself how you wish as I did in my song "Hatred Eyes".

And I understand your point about the vocab.

Cheers:d
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