ZeppelinAir

you like the man without a face concept, ok, i will give him a name, any thing other than that, i want to keep this one, what else does it need

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Raine

The next prob you have as far as I'm concerned is that throughout the entire song it feels like you're trying to force a rhyme scheme.
And on top of that all that of the stanzas in which Blade of Red appears, it doesn't follow the scheme and adds to the awardness.
And I strongly suggest that you scrap that phrase completely since it suggests that in order for the undertaker to gain a soul he has to cut something.
Even if it refers to the scythe he carries, you should drop it simply because you're implying that blood has to be shed and it definitely doesn't work that way.
Think of something else, something that's a bit mysterious (i guess) about how he goes about taking souls.
And now that I think of it, you can rename the song "Soul Collector" or something like that.
Cause that's what the song is about anyway. Either think of it as being about some guy that collects soul or think ot it being about the process of collecting souls. Either way the title fits.

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A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love.

~ Friedrich Nietzsche

ZeppelinAir

it does force a rhyme scheme, but i want a way to say a cemetery, without actully saying it, so that is where nest comes from, i will get rid of some of it, im trying to revise it now

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ZeppelinAir

ok i have a more revised version

Through The Field (figure in black)

Across a pond,
A field of death,
A place where they may rest,

Theirs a figure in black,
He travels without concern,
His only purpose…
To wake the nest,

Keeper of the dead,
Ruler of the nest,
The figure in black,
Is the symbol of death, 2x

The screams of souls,
Feeds his with insanity,
Screaming to see the light,
The light they will never see again,

The Figures in stone,
Watch their own,
As he sits,
Waiting to take another soul,

Keeper of the dead,
Ruler of the nest,
The figure in black,
Is the symbol of death, 2x

(bell Ringing)

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explosions-in-my-pants

I completely agree with you..

Also I hate rhyming, more so when it seems as if the person really tried to hard to find words that sound the same, which then made it seem like someone who's in grade 7 just learning how to do rhyming poems..

you can do better hun, try harder..

Raine

Through the Field is an awful title.
if you want to avoid saying cemetery then find a synonym or something. Say grave yard or make an epithet describing a cemetery as a sea of graves.
And that pond thing. . . it's awful. What purpose does it serve?
In all honesty I had to force myself to keep reading after that second line of your second stanza. It's stiff like that makes me wanna go shoot myself.
If this were made into an actual song and got air play, I'd shoot every radio that spewed it from the speaker. Dead serious
Your fourth stanza is the best one. Your frist one is good except for that pond thing.

And you need a new word check program or something because you're still using their incorrectly. Did you skip over the part where I said handheld dictionary?

But don't worry. I have faith that you'll have some success with this song. Writing it anyway.

__________________
A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love.

~ Friedrich Nietzsche

ZeppelinAir

im to lazy to go get dictionary, ok i am going to try to revise it again and come up with a new title

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ZeppelinAir

this is the new version, tried to mod it more and change the title, dont know if it helped any

Man in The Mist
(bell Ringing)
In a place of mist and misery,
Is the ruined graves of lives past,
A place where the dead may rest,

The man of pain,
A mind plagued with insanity ,
Thoughts of death and sorrow,
Fill his every thought,
His only purpose is to keep the dead at rest,

Keeper of the dead,
Ruler of the nest,
The figure in black,
Is the symbol of death, 2x

The screams of souls,
Feeds his with insanity,
Screaming to see the light,
The light they will never see again,

The Figures in stone,
Watch their own,
As he sits,
Waiting to take another soul,

Keeper of the dead,
Ruler of the nest,
The figure in black,
Is the symbol of death, 2x

(bell Ringing)

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Raine

Your title is better but doesn't acurately capture the importance or symbolism of the grim reeper.

And again with that damned keeper of the nest.
Ditch it. please

But this is significantly better than all the other versions.

__________________
A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love.

~ Friedrich Nietzsche

ZeppelinAir

i did, kept moding it after i posted this one, i will post the new one,

Being of Insanity

(bell ringing)
In a place of mist and misery,
Is the ruined graves of lives past,
In a place where the dead may rest,

The man of pain,
A mind plagued with insanity ,
Thoughts of death and sorrow,
Fill his every thought,
His only purpose is to keep the dead at rest,

Keeper of the dead,
Ruler of all who pass,
The figure in the mist,
Keeps them at rest, 2x

The screams of souls,
Feeds his with insanity,
Screaming to see the light,
The light they will never see again,

The Figures in stone,
Watch their own,
As he sits,
Waiting to take another soul,

Keeper of the dead,
Ruler of all who pass,
The figure in the mist,
Keeps them at rest, 2x

(bell Ringing)

__________________
not that old signature