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Old 08-13-2006, 04:32 AM   #1 (permalink)
Don't think twice
 
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: A basement on the hill
Posts: 352
Default Wolves

Your movements are false alarms
Projecting hopeless hidden charms
While I stand out in the rain
Making puddles in my palms

Now her favourites are in the wall
And her conscience is on the floor
They'll shut their blinking mouths
If she can get one more

Wolves

Your stairs make chalkboard cliffs
No sound escapes her lips
The King can howl for years
But she has grown too stiff

These green stripes make me sick
Colour blinded hypocrite
You guessed my best efforts
Could never make it stick

Wolves

--------------------------------------------------------

Its a work in progress, i ripped it from a much longer monologue i have but compressed into into song form. the only bit I am DEFIANETLY (cant spell it) going to change is the Wolves bit. its the chorus and its one words sung so i just need something to replace it. oh and the verses link but its very subtle. Some of it is Shakespearian metaphors for love. oh yeah and it changes narrator i know it has to, its kinda my style.
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Surrendered to self preservation
From others who care for themselves
A blindness that touches perfection
But hurts just like anything else

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Old 08-13-2006, 11:28 AM   #2 (permalink)
angel of tragic days
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 924
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Quote:
Your movements are false alarms
Projecting hopeless hidden charms
While I stand out in the rain
Making puddles in my palms

Now her favourites are in the wall
And her conscience is on the floor
They'll shut their blinking mouths
If she can get one more

Wolves

Your stairs make chalkboard cliffs
No sound escapes her lips
The King can howl for years
But she has grown too stiff

These green stripes make me sick
Colour blinded hypocrite
You guessed my best efforts
Could never make it stick


Wolves
I don;t like much of this poem/song.
the bolded part(s) I like
the underlined I think is completely stupid.

I think its just a million random thoughts about different things put together.. well it comes off that way. If you really want to fix it and are looking for ways then I will try to help. Also the poem/song lacks flow.. it just kind hits a few rocks before coming to the end of the road.
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Old 08-13-2006, 12:04 PM   #3 (permalink)
isfckingdead
 
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I don't think its a bunch of random thoughts at all really, just because it isn't straightforward as hell doesn't mean it doesn't make any sense and I think the imagery is pretty, its not my favorite by you but still pretty good.
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Old 08-14-2006, 04:07 AM   #4 (permalink)
Don't think twice
 
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im thinking of chucking the whole thing and starting again. thanks anyway tho.
__________________
Painstaking devotion and love
Surrendered to self preservation
From others who care for themselves
A blindness that touches perfection
But hurts just like anything else

Isolation, isolation, isolation
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