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Old 09-01-2006, 10:30 PM   #1 (permalink)
Groupie
 
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Default Bring Her Back

hey guys this is a song a wrote about my mother who passed away 4 years ago..its one of my first songs so im wondering what other ppl think of the lyrics and if anyone has any tips or suggestions feel free.

-Bring Her Back-

She was only 35 when she left that day
I couldnt believe a thing
As i seen all the years pass in my head
how could this happen to her
i sat in the car and looked out the window
i lowered my head then started to wish

Can you bring her back for one more day
im not ready to let her go
i just want to ask for this one wish
so will you please bring her back
for one more day

Sometimes when i feel like im alone
ill lower my head and say how have you been
now i know she cant be right here beside me
but i know that shes watching me

Can you bring her back for one more day
im not ready yet to let her go
i just want to ask for this one wish
so will you please bring her back
for one more day

Can you bring her back for one more day
im not ready yet to let her go
i just want to ask for this one wish
so will you please bring her back
for one more day

© 2005 - 2006 Cody Finck
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Old 09-04-2006, 11:05 PM   #2 (permalink)
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The first stanza needs just a little tweaking. The chorus is great though, so overall I like it.
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Old 09-05-2006, 12:19 AM   #3 (permalink)
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It would be nice if you described why/how she left, cause that piece is pretty boring and it lacks emotion. It just seems like your typical "oh im sad" kind of thing.
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Old 09-05-2006, 01:11 AM   #4 (permalink)
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its kind of bland... but what you have isn't bad, just find a way to spice it up a little bit, cause its a tad bit dull

"i lowered my head then started to wish" -i dont like this, i think you should change it, possibly pray? i dont like how you use wish in that line
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Old 09-05-2006, 02:57 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Crowquill
It would be nice if you described why/how she left, cause that piece is pretty boring and it lacks emotion. It just seems like your typical "oh im sad" kind of thing.
um. she passed away. i think it doesn't need describing.
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Old 09-05-2006, 03:49 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blackTshirt
um. she passed away. i think it doesn't need describing.
It kind of does. It adds something to this song, and it needs something added to it.
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Old 09-06-2006, 05:58 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Crowquill
It kind of does. It adds something to this song, and it needs something added to it.
i think that kinda depends on whether hes writing it to appease other people, or himself.
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Old 09-06-2006, 06:00 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by oojay
i think that kinda depends on whether hes writing it to appease other people, or himself.
Either way, hes posting this on a forum asking for suggestions/tips. I gave mine
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Old 09-06-2006, 06:01 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Subject and structure are fine. The wording is boring.
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Old 09-06-2006, 06:03 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Quote:
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Either way, hes posting this on a forum asking for suggestions/tips. I gave mine
agreed, i just dont think he should be judged too harshly after what hes been through.
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