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Old 10-17-2006, 05:08 PM   #1 (permalink)
snickers
 
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Location: detroit
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Default It's Been Forever

If you take the time to read this it would make me extremely happy.
Comments would be nice too, but don't feel obligated.
Much love.



It's Been Forever

Rearranging all the parts
In this puzzle full of starts
You’re still moving on
While I’m still waiting

Your legs resting on my lap
I must sound like a big sap
You’re laughing with me
Not for the first time

I’d prefer to see your face
Rather than get to a base
Breathing in the room
Watch you with dark eyes

We both move in for the kiss
Still not knowing if it fits
“Wow it’s been so long”
I wanted to say that…

Some things never change
While we’re waiting for ourselves-
Some things never change
While we’re waiting for ourselves
Then you realize
Almost way too late
Tomorrow has been-
It’s been forever

Feeling lost inside of you
Sleeved hearts know not what to do
Dragging out time until
Time is full of shit

Your face stops before my face
Well I know it’s not a race
Beating hearts won’t stop
Wow you’re so soft now

When this feeling in my head
Has moved away from the bed
I look back at you
Eyes away from me

Staring stiffly at the floor
You want me I want you more
“Wow it’s been so long”
I wanted to say that…

Some things never change
While we’re waiting for ourselves-
Some things never change
While we’re waiting for ourselves
Then you realize
Almost way too late
Tomorrow has been-
It’s been forever

The car without a smile
No staying for a while
The door comes down fast
You leave so quickly

Run inside the music blares
Go upstairs and smell the chair
My nose is stuffy
Your scent departed

Tears arrive but do not leave
These are my heart’s to receive
Slowly bow my head
No more sad speech please

Before when it seemed so long
I wished our love had been strong
Wanted to say that
“It’s been much too long”

Some things never change
While we’re waiting for ourselves-
Some things never change
While we’re waiting for ourselves
Then you realize
Almost way too late
Tomorrow has been-
It’s been forever
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Old 10-17-2006, 09:30 PM   #2 (permalink)
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good job jake
<3 Janell
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Old 10-18-2006, 09:12 AM   #3 (permalink)
Me and The Major
 
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I honestly don't like it at all, the forced rhyming doesn't work well at all and the techniques are very basic. It seems like you're trying to fit what you want to say inot a pre set out format instead of just letting it come out naturally.
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Old 10-18-2006, 05:57 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Wow, you're a good reader, that's exactly how I feel about it.
It kind of happened right after an incident and I had all the words planned out in my head, but didn't know the scheme, so it sounds forced.
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Old 10-18-2006, 06:21 PM   #5 (permalink)
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don't give up the feeling is totally there, you just need to find the right words.

Nice job so far; it just needs work
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Old 10-18-2006, 06:29 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Thanks MJ, i l u.
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