Hell
 

Its my very first one i posted so give me ways to make poems better and what not especially Crowquill your good at these kind of things.Here it is

I came home from school that night
I wish I had came earlier
Screams fill the house with freight
Not sure what to do
Im scared myself
He Hurts and hurts
Im forced to think
Hell is a place called home
I try to tell him to calm down
And its very painfull
Everything flys by him
Nothing matters to him
He doesnt know
That I think
Hell is a place called home




So yah thats it be brutal but not to brutal:laughing:

Seems this is from an experience very deep to you which always gives a poem more edge. But you need to be alot more descriptive and free in your approach, i like the "hell is a place called home" but its like your holding back to me.

Well thanks and ill work on it a little tonight and tomorrow

A great platform to make a great poem/song. I agree with stu get discriptive.

more description and it will be great

Thanks all

"I came home from school that night
I wish I had came earlier"

I wish I had COME earlier

" Screams fill the house with freight"
All I can picture is that you live in some disneyworld haunted house, in which ghosts are popping out of the wall.

Also the same comment about your vocabulary as I have made before-- it's elementary at the best.

Why thank you!And i try to say it right but i type to fast sometimes

" Screams fill the house with freight"

Surely you mean 'fright'.

Unless of course the screams are the cause of cargo suddenly appearing in your home?

Honestly...it sucks. The premise is fine, the execution sucked. It's just...boring. A lack of fright, of description, and of good word choice. Never end two consecutive lines with the same word. Ever. EVER. Sorry, but, you should probably rethink this one.

yeah, study some metaphysical poetry and come up with something more original, like the house is in your mind or some ****