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Old 01-31-2007, 07:35 PM   #1 (permalink)
Im Just As Sweet!!!:)
 
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Its my very first one i posted so give me ways to make poems better and what not especially Crowquill your good at these kind of things.Here it is

I came home from school that night
I wish I had came earlier
Screams fill the house with freight
Not sure what to do
Im scared myself
He Hurts and hurts
Im forced to think
Hell is a place called home
I try to tell him to calm down
And its very painfull
Everything flys by him
Nothing matters to him
He doesnt know
That I think
Hell is a place called home




So yah thats it be brutal but not to brutal
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Old 01-31-2007, 07:43 PM   #2 (permalink)
Let it drip
 
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Seems this is from an experience very deep to you which always gives a poem more edge. But you need to be alot more descriptive and free in your approach, i like the "hell is a place called home" but its like your holding back to me.
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Old 01-31-2007, 07:44 PM   #3 (permalink)
Im Just As Sweet!!!:)
 
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Well thanks and ill work on it a little tonight and tomorrow
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Boys are like lava lamps: fun to look at but not so bright


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Old 02-01-2007, 03:37 PM   #4 (permalink)
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A great platform to make a great poem/song. I agree with stu get discriptive.
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Old 02-01-2007, 04:29 PM   #5 (permalink)
Long time no see
 
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more description and it will be great
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Old 02-01-2007, 06:05 PM   #6 (permalink)
Im Just As Sweet!!!:)
 
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Thanks all
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Boys are like lava lamps: fun to look at but not so bright


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Old 02-04-2007, 08:35 PM   #7 (permalink)
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"I came home from school that night
I wish I had came earlier"

I wish I had COME earlier

" Screams fill the house with freight"
All I can picture is that you live in some disneyworld haunted house, in which ghosts are popping out of the wall.

Also the same comment about your vocabulary as I have made before-- it's elementary at the best.
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Old 02-05-2007, 03:35 PM   #8 (permalink)
Im Just As Sweet!!!:)
 
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Why thank you!And i try to say it right but i type to fast sometimes
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Boys are like lava lamps: fun to look at but not so bright


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Old 02-05-2007, 04:14 PM   #9 (permalink)
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" Screams fill the house with freight"

Surely you mean 'fright'.

Unless of course the screams are the cause of cargo suddenly appearing in your home?
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Old 02-05-2007, 07:54 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Honestly...it sucks. The premise is fine, the execution sucked. It's just...boring. A lack of fright, of description, and of good word choice. Never end two consecutive lines with the same word. Ever. EVER. Sorry, but, you should probably rethink this one.
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