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Old 02-09-2007, 08:14 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My Body Is An Apparition

Ben Stivers
2/9/07

My Body Is An Apparition

What have I been, the revision of objects in the air?
My body wreathing upward like a ring in the night sky.
I was dropped apon canvas, setting fire to my oils,
Burning like a lantern yet never taking ash.

And a perception such as mine spills from my weak and weary eyes,
But I am only scanning a sparse landscape for the sun I once knew.
And as jagged peaks made way for the soft light of the day,
I pictured a city block, not the unveiled sky.

For within my lust to become that which is undone,
I left my own hand to wander this board, and what it traced
Was the picture of a solitary face, an apartment,
And a sillouhette in the rain... I have chosen to forget.
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Old 02-09-2007, 08:51 AM   #2 (permalink)
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very nice, you put words together nicely and it doesnt look forced.
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Old 02-09-2007, 11:12 AM   #3 (permalink)
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=OBen writing again!?
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Originally Posted by METALLICA89 View Post
Ive seen you on muiltipul forums saying Metallica and slayer are the worst **** you kid go suck your **** while you listen to your ****ing emo **** I bet you do listen to emo music
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Old 02-09-2007, 01:54 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Black dot tw@t.
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Wolverinewolfweiselpigeon said:

What's with people dying? Shit.
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Old 02-09-2007, 04:09 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Excellent imagery - every line overflows with motivation, with meaning - an individual drive while all the time remaining the part of a better, seemingly simple (yet complex) whole. Thank you for coming back.
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Old 02-09-2007, 05:11 PM   #6 (permalink)
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very nice, very well writen, and great imagery
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Old 02-10-2007, 01:36 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Psh. Your mom is an apparition. But seriously, here we go.

What have I been, the revision of objects in the air?
My body wreathing upward like a ring in the night sky.
I was dropped apon canvas, setting fire to my oils,
Burning like a lantern yet never taking ash.
^ Pretty sure it's "upon." This is great imagery, but, what the hell are you talking about?

And a perception such as mine spills from my weak and weary eyes,
But I am only scanning a sparse landscape for the sun I once knew.
And as jagged peaks made way for the soft light of the day,
I pictured a city block, not the unveiled sky.
^ Again, wtf are you talking about? I guess you're moving around, observing things, but...it just doesn't seem connected, and I have yet to figure out why I am supposed to give a sh!t.

For within my lust to become that which is undone,
I left my own hand to wander this board, and what it traced
Was the picture of a solitary face, an apartment,
And a sillouhette in the rain... I have chosen to forget.
^ The first line seems quite irrelevant, unless you meant "wanderlust," in which case, just say wanderlust. The only part of this verse I liked was the second line, before the comma. The rest is pretty hackneyed.

You didn't tell me why I should care, it just seemed to be a jumble of images, good ones, but, they were without much of a point. 5/10.
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Wolverinewolfweiselpigeon said:

What's with people dying? Shit.
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Old 02-10-2007, 02:33 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PaperHurricanesAndPlanes View Post
Psh. Your mom is an apparition. But seriously, here we go.

What have I been, the revision of objects in the air?
My body wreathing upward like a ring in the night sky.
I was dropped apon canvas, setting fire to my oils,
Burning like a lantern yet never taking ash.
^ Pretty sure it's "upon." This is great imagery, but, what the hell are you talking about?

And a perception such as mine spills from my weak and weary eyes,
But I am only scanning a sparse landscape for the sun I once knew.
And as jagged peaks made way for the soft light of the day,
I pictured a city block, not the unveiled sky.
^ Again, wtf are you talking about? I guess you're moving around, observing things, but...it just doesn't seem connected, and I have yet to figure out why I am supposed to give a sh!t.

For within my lust to become that which is undone,
I left my own hand to wander this board, and what it traced
Was the picture of a solitary face, an apartment,
And a sillouhette in the rain... I have chosen to forget.
^ The first line seems quite irrelevant, unless you meant "wanderlust," in which case, just say wanderlust. The only part of this verse I liked was the second line, before the comma. The rest is pretty hackneyed.

You didn't tell me why I should care, it just seemed to be a jumble of images, good ones, but, they were without much of a point. 5/10.
You come off like a huge ******* here, PHAP. I know you aren't an ******* - So I'm thinking that you wrote this in a bad mood. Plus, songs aren't necessarily supposed to TELL you everything, sometimes it's up for you to find your own meaning.
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Old 02-10-2007, 09:09 AM   #9 (permalink)
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I wasn't in a bad mood. I wasn't being an ahole. I just didn't think the poem was telling my anything.

Anyway, APS knows me from MusicianForums/AIM (I'm DeadReligion/Malcolm), he knows I'm not an ahole. Unless you're poem is so excessively crappy as to resemble the kind of shtty emoetry found in AIM profiles. His is not.
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Wolverinewolfweiselpigeon said:

What's with people dying? Shit.

Last edited by PaperHurricanesAndPlanes; 02-10-2007 at 09:26 AM.
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Old 02-10-2007, 12:58 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PaperHurricanesAndPlanes View Post
I wasn't in a bad mood. I wasn't being an ahole. I just didn't think the poem was telling my anything.

Anyway, APS knows me from MusicianForums/AIM (I'm DeadReligion/Malcolm), he knows I'm not an ahole. Unless you're poem is so excessively crappy as to resemble the kind of shtty emoetry found in AIM profiles. His is not.
Okie doke =P
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