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02-09-2007, 08:14 AM | #1 (permalink) |
Dinosaurus Rex!!!
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Winchester, VA
Posts: 896
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My Body Is An Apparition
Ben Stivers
2/9/07 My Body Is An Apparition What have I been, the revision of objects in the air? My body wreathing upward like a ring in the night sky. I was dropped apon canvas, setting fire to my oils, Burning like a lantern yet never taking ash. And a perception such as mine spills from my weak and weary eyes, But I am only scanning a sparse landscape for the sun I once knew. And as jagged peaks made way for the soft light of the day, I pictured a city block, not the unveiled sky. For within my lust to become that which is undone, I left my own hand to wander this board, and what it traced Was the picture of a solitary face, an apartment, And a sillouhette in the rain... I have chosen to forget. |
02-10-2007, 01:36 AM | #7 (permalink) | |
Ban Captain Caveman
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: In The Realms of Poetry
Posts: 560
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Psh. Your mom is an apparition. But seriously, here we go.
What have I been, the revision of objects in the air? My body wreathing upward like a ring in the night sky. I was dropped apon canvas, setting fire to my oils, Burning like a lantern yet never taking ash. ^ Pretty sure it's "upon." This is great imagery, but, what the hell are you talking about? And a perception such as mine spills from my weak and weary eyes, But I am only scanning a sparse landscape for the sun I once knew. And as jagged peaks made way for the soft light of the day, I pictured a city block, not the unveiled sky. ^ Again, wtf are you talking about? I guess you're moving around, observing things, but...it just doesn't seem connected, and I have yet to figure out why I am supposed to give a sh!t. For within my lust to become that which is undone, I left my own hand to wander this board, and what it traced Was the picture of a solitary face, an apartment, And a sillouhette in the rain... I have chosen to forget. ^ The first line seems quite irrelevant, unless you meant "wanderlust," in which case, just say wanderlust. The only part of this verse I liked was the second line, before the comma. The rest is pretty hackneyed. You didn't tell me why I should care, it just seemed to be a jumble of images, good ones, but, they were without much of a point. 5/10.
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02-10-2007, 02:33 AM | #8 (permalink) | |
Music Addict
Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 699
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02-10-2007, 09:09 AM | #9 (permalink) | |
Ban Captain Caveman
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: In The Realms of Poetry
Posts: 560
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I wasn't in a bad mood. I wasn't being an ahole. I just didn't think the poem was telling my anything.
Anyway, APS knows me from MusicianForums/AIM (I'm DeadReligion/Malcolm), he knows I'm not an ahole. Unless you're poem is so excessively crappy as to resemble the kind of shtty emoetry found in AIM profiles. His is not.
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Last edited by PaperHurricanesAndPlanes; 02-10-2007 at 09:26 AM. |
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02-10-2007, 12:58 PM | #10 (permalink) | |
Music Addict
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