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Old 02-11-2007, 06:24 PM   #1 (permalink)
that's my war face.
 
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Join Date: Nov 2005
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Default Reincarnate.

The trees look wiser
than they've ever done,
an appetizer,
of all our days to come,
the sun has got his hat on
and the squirrels collect their nuts
We lay out a blanket
and I read my favourite book.
The weather changes drastically,
drip drip drop
you huddle in to get warmth from me
drip drip drop
The city seems so clearer,
as the autumn leaves flow through it,
so strange to think that at one point
I thought I had outgrew it.

Last edited by TrampInaTux; 02-12-2007 at 04:28 AM.
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Old 02-11-2007, 09:40 PM   #2 (permalink)
Ban Captain Caveman
 
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You can't 'do' wiser. It's spelled "appetizer." The city line was incredibly weird, and the flow is TERRIBLE. It actually hindered my understanding, I had to read it two or three times. Nice plot. The word choice could use a tad of work too.
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Old 02-12-2007, 04:26 AM   #3 (permalink)
that's my war face.
 
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I did this whilst singing it, and the flow does actually work, trust me on that one.

I was going to seperate it all up, but thought it was short enough already without doing that, and it would end up looking a bit messy.

And cheers, I thought 'appetiser' looked strange.


EDIT: Oh and maybe I'll improve on this later on sometime... and I'll have a look at some of your work in a bit.
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