Read through parts of the novel, it's way too rough not to clean up, but there are maybe two chapters total I could send with disclaimers, I'll send one Saturday. I really doubt I'll go back and rewrite this anytime soon, if ever. I'm actually in a real 'fuck art, let's dance' (ala malkmus t-shirt, circa: 1993) mood.
Art is just seeming base right now. The 'out put' is just dumping garbage. I did do a couple paintings last week using only a butter-knife to get the paint on the canvas. That's about mood appropriate. No pretense of controlling precise details. Fuck 'em.

I also went to the NIMH website and looked over bi-polar disorder. I get so discouraged in just term 'mental health experts' anymore. I did put 'An Unquiet Mind' on the booklist, but right now I'm in a no input funk, so it'll be awhile. They mention that it's biological, but then go on to say that it can't be identified physiologically. It's stuff like that that leads me to think there is some piece of guess-work in the treatment, particularly treatment that involves the brain chemistry, that's a little bit like wearing boxing gloves to perform surgery, like blindfolded archery, sledgehammer mechanics.
The fuckers' got very little idea what they are fucking with.

But from the descriptions, I can see where your reservations about being 'the girl' and disclosing the journal come from (in both the mania and depression, as well as the brutal neutralization of any inhibitor meds). And I see where the 'seductive' aspect of your work comes from. I actually found that little bizarre in context. For myself any of the slight mania I've felt comes with utter indifference to others' attention, and much less their affection. But I wondered from just the sensation what it feels like, the urge and seduction, if it feels like you're being fed in a starved sensory way by their attention. If you feel their eyes in a way like you are devouring their attention, or if it's more passive, more submissive. It brings up some interesting question, but it's also a sensitive aspect/ topic to discuss.

I've had Malkmus playing since the start and now it's got me completely distracted, even though I'm feeling kind of chatty. Hope I don't miss the fucking italics.

I had a crap gin and tonic
at wounded knee (malk)

I finally have time to sit and read and reply, this week has been hell. Literally hell. Every single person I know turned into a self-centered, idiotic lunatic(for lack of better words). And I got thrown in the dead center of it, because I usually don't care and don't involve myself too much in their dramatics, I got told all the stuff I didn't want to hear, because I wouldn't care enough to tell anyone. Plus, since I am finally well, all my teachers are giving me the piles and piles of make up work I have to do. Sorry, I know that was uninteresting, i'm just so extremely frustrated with life.

You must be the only person I know who hasn't watched TV in over a year. Is it just like cutting out caffeine or something? Once you get over a two week hump, you don't miss it?

The cause of the bipolar disorder is debatable between different people. My psychiatrist explained the reason I have it as a "kindling" metaphor. I have 6 generations of forms of mental illness (usually bipolar), making me very prone to developing it. Then I did drugs, which made the dormant gene, active. Then, late in my 10th grade year I had a series of extremely stressful events occur, which triggered it, and it kind of just spiraled out of control. In my 11th grade year, the symptoms started to get bad (My bipolar symptoms are often similar to that of schizophrenia) I started to hallucinate, forget what happened during chunks of time, be insanely impulse, lose control of my emotions, have no recollection of things i've said. Fun time. Basically, one day, when my dad decided to tell me (as he always does) that I am pathetic and useless and will amount to nothing, I decided to become nothing and I drank nail polish remover, luckily I threw it up, my mom saw what I was reduced to, took me to the hospital, they fixed me up (a good portion of my throat is still burned from the acid), and I went to a psychiatrist he deduced I was bipolar. Medicated me. I only have had one relapse and that was couple of weeks ago, and they fixed it by taking me away from school and people for a while. Otherwise I have been happy ever since. But that's where all the poetry came from, when I was crazy, I was also extremely creative. So yea, that's my slightly unhappy past, I really don't like to think about it too much though. I mean I am happy now, so why bother dwelling?

But yea, my journals are filled with stuff like that. The stuff I hallucinate or hear. I used to hear music a lot, it would be nice for about an hour, but then I would want to think with out it going, but I couldn't stop it. It was a whole other conscious in my brain that I couldn't turn off. And it was so loud. On the bright side the music was like nothing I had ever heard, it would blend every sound (birds calls, my dogs snoring, pen clicking, actual music as well) I had heard that day into one piece, and it was beautiful.

Now that I have explained exactly how crazy I am, do you see why I am so hesitant to publish my journal. I would die if all my friends knew that, I prefer to keep them in ignorant bliss.

Suggested reading on it? I have a couple of books, but I wouldn't suggest any of them. I really haven't found any source that gives good information on it.

There's a movie called Mania or Manic (i can't remember) that is kind of a decent portrayal on Mania. Fight Club, good for some of the schizo symptoms. A Beautiful Mind, decent for the schizo symptoms as well.

I have never hear of that island you went to. But i'm sure it was beautiful, all those islands were beautiful. Was the sand there black by any chance?

I am emailing you the first story (about the car trip). Tell me if you can't read my suggestions, or can't understand what I have written. I thought it was wonderful though. So original. And funny too, I like your sense of humor. Is there a reason though that you stopped quoting "Nuge?" That was the one thing I just couldn't figure out.

Woah, I just saw that we went onto a second page and missed that message above mine. So ignore the dated remarks in it

I just read through this thread and found it very readable. I'm glad to see there are some intelligent people on here, and well, just in the world, because sometimes you start to wonder. Also, I have a great interest in psychology like you guys. Just to comment real quickly It'sRed, I hate commercials to, and am impressed by that no T.V. thing. KL, if your interested in reading about neuroses, you would probably be interested in Freud. I don't have a specific book in mind, I just read some of his stuff in one of those philosopher encyclopedia series things, and he deals a lot w/ that.

Ok I got a headache from reading this thread, this is for writing poems or songs not talking about philosophy and such make a thread in the longe I'm tired of reading pages of crap.

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Hey guys, at least he read through the whole thing so he could give a more credible depiction of what he thought.

LMAO!!

No I just wasted 10-29 minutes of my life reading poinless stuff that I'll never use in life nor intrest me sooooo shut your trap.

Then ignore the thread.

dammit loser, I just thought it was funny that you went into the songwriting thread, which most people don't and then you randomly picked a thread, and read it and became annoyed w/ it, sooooooooooo shut your trap

Stop trying to start trouble and I didn't pick it randomly I read anything that has a new post which this did have one soo I read it and got annoyed with it. Happy mister know it all.

dangit loser, you already know I like you so let's stop convoluting their thread w/ these posts

their is a poem/song in the beginning, that we discuss. I just think we have a different definition of crap. You think philosophy, psychology, and advanced literature is crap. I think how you spend your entire life whining about how unloved and unlucky you are is crap. Because honestly, I bet your life is great, but you are one of those attention whores that purposely makes his life hell, because you enjoy complaining.

I just got around to reading your reply , then all the following replies...

I'm still kind of dazed from going out last night (and it's almost 4 p.m. now (dehydrated, mostly)) and I am going to jam in about an hour. There's lots to respond to in your last reply, but I'll try and send the ultra-personal stuff through email tomorrow.
I don't know if you got my last email, but it's true the 'getting sick of my own voice.' I thought about it before going out last night and came to the conclusion that it's how in both writing and lyrics I'm trying to say something of import that I get sick of. Like every little utterance is significant.

But I should get over it. And this week should be mellower, as far as time constraints. If I get back before 8 p.m. I might log back in. Saw you have a new work, but I need to get going, at least put some pants on (it's 4pm for crying out loud) and get things packed up for the jam.

did you get my emails though? Gmail just kept saying "sending...." The never saying sent made me doubt that the emails were being sent.

I'm glad this week should be mellower. You sound like you need and deserve a break.

I'll start checking my email now (I usually only check it once every 2 or 3 weeks, pretty pathetic, I know)

Exactly, I remember one thing that made a fair impression on me from Alfred Adler about 'self-ideal.' Pretty much trying to fix your past is only going to provide a negligible benefit in a best case scenario. He said a person would be much more psychologically healthy to see themselves in a desirable future than try and resolve past problems.
Sure I have some issues with it, but it does seem important to feeling 'well' that people have some place they want to go in their future.


I never did get any emails, except the first.

An ammusing short read for the summer --
The Saddest Summer of Samuel S. (J.P. Donleavy)

What issues do you have with the Adler theory? Sounds pretty decent to me, well in the scheme of theories at least.

I'm really frustrated about this email thing, I literally tried to send them like 6 times each. I'm going to try again. I really wish you would of gotten the emails though. They had hours of good typing in them.

Oh, out of curiosity, if you read Huck Finn. Did you find the end of Huck Finn bothersome?

Some firewall/ security software will prevent sending files. Are they Word attachments, or image files?

It'd be really nice to see and I really appreciate your effort. I tried to convert a story yesterday called 'Teez (Hungarian 'ten,' not a cute spelling of 'tease')' and deleted the whole text in some autosave mishap. errrrrgh. I may have it on my flash drive.
It's pretty funny and I hope to send it soon.

You know how I said I was going to have some time.... well.... probably within hours of that I got every weekend in March and two in April filled up. Mostly good stuff though, but I want to be lazzzzy.

The issues with Alder, with really most any high idealist, is they get hot on one idea and get too focused on one idea as a panacea, to the point of fallacy. I think having/ imagining a desirable future is healthy and provides a stability that makes one more resistant to having depression/mania/psychosis triggered. As well, another benefit, it can make one more accepting of sacrifice/deprivation in the present. But what it neglects to understand is the multiple nature of the psyche engaged in an active environment, it assumes a fairly static/ vacuum self and environment. I don't know if that makes much sense, but without a range of understanding it can have some whiplash effect with reality. I do think it's much more healthy and rewarding than brooding over the past via psychoanalyst techniques of Freud (et al).

I got a big yap,
yap, yap, yap

Oh yea, I've scanned my memory about Huck Finn and there are bits and pieces of stories and film that come to mind, but I don't know if I read it. I'll need to refresh.