A Slightly Manic Monday
 

A Slightly Manic Monday

Red letter writing on the ceiling
It must be a message of divinity
Whispers heard so silently
Hush don’t tell anybody
A psychic told me yesterday
That I was going to foresee my essence
She said my omniscience
Would reveal my divine destination
And the significance of my being

Grinning with a dazzling smile
I know they all are watching me
A charming seductress in disguise
Woo me with your silent eyes

Moments caught in lightening
I can catch a falling star
I’d have a piece of heaven then
To tuck inside this hurried mind

Hilarity is catching
I seem to be chatting too much
It doesn’t matter if it’s frenzied and swift
It doesn’t make a difference
I understand the master plan

Everything is delightful, everything is cool
Sensations are so intoxicating
I’m over run with joy
The earth is so inviting
It all makes perfect sense

They’re flying kites in the park today
I think I will be on my merry way
The clouds are speaking out to me
In a secret celestial illustrations

Every sound is supercharged
Everything is connected
The single, sweet note of a robin's call
Reverberates through my body
It's a shame they can't hear what I do.

"Woo me with your silent eyes"

I really don't like the word woo, I was going to suggest changing it to charm but you said charming the line prior. But thats completely preference.

"Red letter writing on the ceiling"

Writing in blood makes me think of a cheesy horror movie.

It's not blood, when i'm manic I often hallucinate all sorts of things, and it's usually in red, orange, and yellow.

I think it was alright but like crowquill said woo is weird

I like quirky words.

Yep, me too. The inflection sells it. Woo is both denotative of seduction and a exclamation (onamontapia) of joy. It can be phrased in a way that's very gratifying to hear.

Like most lines and overall 'unbearable lightness of omniscience.'

I also have hallucinated words, extremely rare, but always block type caps and black.

I'm glad someone else has an affinity for words like that.

I've never heard of anyone hallucinating words in black block type, but everyone I know (like 2 people) who have hallucinated words see it in the ROYGBIV spectrum. It's interesting how you see the words.

Only happened twice that I recall. Both time the words stretched across most of my field of vision, they were translucent, so not really black, but not any solid color, I guess dark would be a better description.


One was TRUDGE.

The other, ATTRITION.

Not sure of font, very block like though.

I've always wondered if it was a form of synesthesia, or similiar to the aural, or visual looping that can create deja vu. Where the mind gets overstimulated to the point it stops processing the stimulus it's taking in and then drops it on your consciousness at a more convenient time.

Think it's normal. Well, for highly advanced people.

translucent sounds more familiar.

Even though I've hallucinated words a fair amount of times, I only remember 3 i've seen them. The only reason I know i've seen it more than 3 times is because I write down a lot of what i'm thinking or seeing in various notebooks when i'm in my overstimulated state. And only later, when i'm calm, do I go and find the notebooks and see what interesting thing my mind and body was up to. It gets scary sometimes when I get in that state, because i've called people and had conversations with them that I don't remember.

I probably just freaked you out, i'm sorry.

Doesn't freak me out at all, reading Dark Circle lyrics on the other hand....

It just makes me think you are smart and sensitive to stimulus, like these lyrics --

To tuck inside this hurried mind

Sensations are so intoxicating

Every sound is supercharged
Everything is connected
The single, sweet note of a robin's call
Reverberates through my body


I'm sure it's a blessing and curse, there's so much 'noise' from marketing elements saturating our enviornment it must be like subjecting your eyes and ears to sandpaper just turning on the t.v. sometimes.

Have you read J.D. Salingers' Nine Stories? It's been forever and all the stories are great, but I think it's in Teddy (the last) where he's talking about this realization he has while his sister is drinking milk that's really beautiful. An understanding of how everything is connected that you might appreciate.

haha, yea, I've given up on Dark Circle, if you aim to have mainstream lyrics they will be sub-par.

You have me figured out quicker than probably any other person. Kudos, I'm extremely impressed.

I haven't read the book yet (I'll read it after I finish Dr. Faustus), coincidently, I actually picked up that book about a week ago at a quaint little used bookstore near my house. I'm curious, is it written in the same stream of consciousness style that Catcher in the Rye was written in? (I don't know about you, but I greatly enjoy that post-modern style of writing).

I thought Catcher in the Rye was pretty linear, but my point of reference for stream of conscious writing is Joyce and Woolf. [Just now, for some reason, I think you might have got Millers' Tropic of Cancer confused with Catcher in the Rye (weird that I would think that), which I could see as stream of conscious (Tropic of Capricorn, more so).] But I also am guilty of telling someone I didn't think Camus stuff was existential and they pulled out source after source to let me know that it was.

As far as what I'm reading I've been on a non-fiction buzz.

Just a weird little factoid, while I was reading both Catcher in the Rye and Franny and Zooey (years apart) I vomited, not sure what provoked it from Catcher in the Rye, but in Franny and Zooey it was the description of her chicken sandwich (I was also reading hung over). They are the only times I've vomited while reading. Now you know, lucky lucky you.

And thanks for the kudos!

If I were a doctor
I'd prescribe,
earplugs
and
sunglasses,
stat!

Catcher in the Rye was linear in plot, disjointed in ideas. I'm not a big fan of Virginia Woolf mainly because I spent a summer in Bryn Mawr and my teacher was obsessed with Virginia Woolf and made us read 7 of her books and about 15 of her short-stories, it was too much Woolf in such a short time. I've only read Ulysses and A Portrait of a Young Man by James Joyce. If you have read other works by him are they worth reading?

It would be hard to get Millers' Tropic of Cancer confused with Cather in the Rye, although they both deal with sex, Tropic of Cancer a bit more explicitly. I don't find it that weird that you connect those books, I can oddly enough see how you do.

I'm stumped on how you didn't think Camus' work was existential. Care to share how you connected to that idea? I'm intrigued.

As a side note on Camus, if your into the non-finction right now his essay The Myth of Sisyphus, Betwixt and Between, and Resistance, Rebellion and Death are all worth the read (especially the first 2). And if you can find it (it took me a good while to find) his short-story Drunken Butterfly is amazing(In the last few days I used aim that was my screen name). The Stranger is pretty good but it's fiction.

Haha, I feel lucky knowing about your reading/vomiting life. Another kudos though for reading while hung-over, all I ever can do hungover is stare blankly at the TV or eat a hamburger (they help so way.) You should read The Jungle hungover, i'm sure it would make you throw up. That book is vile.

And thanks for the advice about how to deal with the ultra-sensitivity. How you put it sounds like the beginning of a Jimmy Buffet song for some reason.

That cracks me up!!


Well the thing about Camus... when I got to Camus I'd never heard of him before, or existentialism as a literary genre, so I had a very denotative idea about existentialism. The purposelessness of existence.
I guess I thought that if a work purported existentialism it would strive to minimize, or illuminate the ego, or self as an affliction. Rather than have contention in the state of being as an absurd figure in a purposeless existence. I've long since forgotten the discussion, but it was concerning either The Stranger, or The Fall.

On existetialism.. what I actually think is a fantastic existential work is Ecclesiastics from The Bible.

'There is nothing new under the sun.'

WIth Joyce I really liked A Portrait.... but shortly after reading it (unrelated to it as a work) I became real selective about the things I read. So both Ulysses and Finnegans' Wake got about 30 pgs. read over several days. 'Selective' makes it sound like a choice, it was more my brain wouldn't take the input. I actually punted Sartres' 'Being and Nothingness' around my apartment in Portland, out of frustration over how my mind was just shutting off.

But now I absolutely have to find Drunken Butterfly.

Sorry about the Woolf saturation there, I once had a full term dedicated to The Crucible, never wanted to stand up in the middle of class and say 'shut up' more in my life.

If I were
a doctor
I'd prescribe,
cheeseburgers
and
paradise
twice a week.

You sound like your mixing up nihilism with existentialism. I bet you read Nietzsche first, he's been known to dabble in both genres of existentialism and nihilism.

Except the first two chapters(is that what they're called? books maybe?) that we had to read for school, I honestly have never read the Bible. I'm an atheist in belief, I hope you aren't an uber christian because I probably just/will offend you if you are. If you are i'm going ahead to say I don't have any issue with the religion of Christianity, I have issues with people taking it waaaay to seriously and fighting wars over the correct way to interpret it. I also hate Bush and his stupid Christian morals because his "Christianity" caused him to to be anti-abortian and stop stem cell research because it's taking away "human life." However the fact that he thinks the 1000s of people dying in Iraq is not taking away human life baffles me to no end.
I'm sorry I just went off on a belief tangent, that stuff bugs quite a bit, and i'm sorry again if I just offended you, I hope I didn't

But back to the bible thing, I never considered The Bible capable of existentialism. I'll check it out.

I'm about to be late for meeting people. I need to finish my response to you later. To be continued......(I feel so dramatic when I do that)

I actually never got around to Nietzsche, which I can't explain. Knowing me I would have thought I'd drill right down to nihilism pretty straight off, but I didn't. And he's been mentioned to me multiple times. And I binged through several German authors. And I liked them..but still...nope.

I don't believe in God in any conventional religious sense, but I am agnostic rather than atheist. And I don't care for religion. Despise Bush. Despise the religious right, Karl Rove, wedge issues, the World Bank, IMF and the new imperialism of natural resources.... As for abortion, I think any male who opposes a woman's right to choose should be forced to undergo surgery to make them able to bear child and have an embryo implanted into their guts for nine months, before voicing said opinion.


On Ecclesiastics, I really think it's a great work, I've suggested it to many a friend and they all said they would read it, but I'm sure none of them have. It's the stigma. I haven't read a lot of the Bible, but from what I've read there are some pretty decent stories and parables.

I feel kind of like a fraud talking so much about literature as I'm not really a very literate person. I was in basic english courses throughout school with fourth grade being a personal low point. I think they called it ERC, but the class was actually under the school in a dank poorly lit basement and it was extremely remedial. Like **** and Jane, like the alphabet on flash cards, like talking...very...very...slowly. And there I sat with the very dumbest of the dumb--Champions.

I still remember it fondly, but the only point of it is that I was never given any real context for the works I read, so I'm sure comprehension and literary sigificance/reference suffered. So if I seem a step or two off, it's only because I am.

I actually "lol"ed (for lack of a better term) when I read that. It makes me so happy, probably because I made the mistake last summer of dating an uber Catholic, with his uber strict beliefs. Just everything he said was saturated in Catholic propaganda. We would literally partake in 2 to 3 hour arguements about abortion, in which I could not penatrate his Catholic shield of ignorance, it was so annoying. He was under the delusion that men usually do most of the child-rearing and will always be there to provide fincial support. I threw every argument I could at him and he would be like a annoying bobble head that repeatably said "it's a human life. it's a human life." I was able to take out some revenge by telling him that if he wanted to have sex (which he did want, a lot (which is ironic because before he had dated me he had been all no premarital sex)) we would have to have sex in a church. He got so angry and frustrated at me. I smiled and laughed.


Putting the slightly irrelevant story aside, I am actually quite relieved your agnostic. Because I have learned that when you try to speak to someone it is best if they have no irrational barriers, like those that religion causes. Out of curiosity what type of agnostic beliefs do you follow? Technically i'm a agnostic atheist, but people tend to get confused when I say that, so I stick with just saying atheist to avoid that blank look.

I actually will read it Ecclesiastics. I read pretty much anything people recommend me, unless it's one of my dumber friends (I have some pretty idiotic friends) telling me to read Gossip Girls or some chick lit like that (Shamefully though, I admit to occasionally reading a chick lit or 2, but it's rare I have the time or patience). Have you ever read Revelations? If you have is it as creepy as everyone has said?

Hehe, Jack is censored.
Wonderful story by the way. It made me "lol" again. (I really hate using that euphemism, it makes me feel like a giddy little 7th grader who gets crushes on Justin Timberlake (Is that how you spell his name?).)
Everyone had their remedial classes, I was in speech therapy for a good 4 years, in which every week I had to say words like "rat" and "cart" and "ford" like 30 times for an hour. Why do I keep revealing the unglamorous aspects of my life to you? As much as it seems like I'm a nerd, I actually get out and party and have a social life.

I don't think you are a literate fraud though. You were able to hold a conversation about something that I bet none of my friends could. Do you have a lot of my friends just pretend to be intellectually superior to you, but really aren't? There are many girls/guys who thinks they are much smarter than me, but the funny thing is, as far as I know, my last SAT scores (800 Math, 790 English, 770 Writing) beats most of theirs. I don't want to tell anyone, though, i'm happier knowing that and them not. It's ultimately easier to play dumb. No one expects anything from me, and it's great. Am I completely off in saying that? I really don't want to be considered a pretentious intellectual at my school. Understand?

Basically I consider you among the highest of the people with literary comprehension. Probably the highest on this site. Anyhow I like people who are always a step off or two, it gives them individuality, which I consider most important in a person.

Also, there's not much hope with finding Drunken Butterfly online (I tried it when I was looking for a copy), all you ever get is Sonic Youth's Drunken Butterfly.

Oh, and I took your Cheeseburger in Paradise poem and incorporated it into my signature, if for some reason you didn't see that.

And sorry I wrote so much.

Had a long, long day at work, with a bonus meeting then off to the grandparents farm to feed animals. Almost thirteen hours tied up in a day (10pm-11am). On top of that it was 20+ awake, which is more than my exposed wiring can take. I think I have an aversion to being conscious, well maybe more than think.

I was kind of surprised to see asterisk Jack too. It now seems like it'd be a good song title, Asterisk Jack (what's that Fall song...(checks iTunes) Fiery Jack).

I did a search for drunken butterfly too. Going to have to hit Powells next time I go to Portland.

Great story of the Catholic party-line boy, poor spoon fed brain. Have had my share of frustrations from party-line toters. Republicans. Which I blame entirely on the wedge issues driven by Karl Rove. Seeking absolutism, seeking certainty -- You're either with us, or you're an anti-gun, pro *** agenda, tax increasing, abortion loving freak (taking any idea even remotely left into an absolute worse case scenario). I'm usually pretty generous in arguments, but can be a jack. I just know regardless of how convincing I am, they'll flop back on that a.m. talk radio and start the induction all over again.

On the agnostic item, it really came down to a wave/ string/ cell theory that I got on one night when questions of if linear time was absolute and there was an original state of nothingness. Real chicken and egg stuff. It's complicated to explain, but is based on a higher probability that there is some conscious element that allows adaptation/ propagation to occur. And that consciousness/ awareness is reflective, like a wave, and those imperceptible waves (or waves) are the fibers of everything and everything is connected.
But it's really not anything I spent a lot of time on. I didn't come to it through religion, if anything it was more from the Jungian collective unconscious, although at the time I knew nothing of Jung. And for the most part, still don't.

Like the sig... I was thinking of creating a sig like, Dark Circle fan since 2007 (and have their link). What do you think?

There was actually something in the AP sig that's connected to my remedial class exposure. In third grade I was placed into the most advanced english class, called -- Fiesta. The problem was the teacher either neglected to tell me, or I tuned out, that it was self-paced. There were no lessons given for the handbook, so I just let that handbook sit in my desk for an entire grading cycle (either a quarter, or maybe even a semester) . I can't even imagine what she must have thought when I turned it in, completely blank. Well obviously, she thought I was an idiot.

I didn't even get everything said here and time is crushing down. I think it's funny you 'lol'd.' It's difficult not to though, besides it's kind of an antidote to being pretentious (you can't really lol and be pretentious at the same time (okay I'm looking for an emoticon now)). ;)
There.

There is something to the expectations people put on your intellect that just lacks the understanding what comes with the intellect that can be a liability. But I got to eat/shower/work now. Wonder what the max. characters per post are???

I'm impressed you have the energy to work on a farm and at another job, Whatever job who have, I'm thinking some lawyer or techie job, because of the meeting. Working on a farm is so tiring (my mom sent me up to the family farm for a couple weeks once), I don't know how you can do both.

Why can Jack be typed now? Is it just in the context of Jack and Jill that it can't? Well, we'll see when this gets posted. But that would make a pretty awsome song title. It could be like that spoof to he nursery rhyme. My most conservative friend actually taught it to me when I was in 4th grade, and the fact that it was her telling me, made it stick in my head. Here it is:

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water
Jack got high,
pulled down his fly,
and asked Jill if she wanna.

Jill said yes,
pulled up her dress,
and had a little fun.

But stupid Jill forgot the pill,
and now they have a son

It's stupid. I know. I just needed to share it for my first time ever.

It's relieving to know someone else shares my frustration in people taking the black and white politics view. Like doesn't feel like your the only one who picks up on the either your with us or against us strategy, and think it's bull? I just don't know what to do, i'm fairly outspoken, so people just consider me the crazy liberal and ignore me (my school is disgustingly full of naive conservatives).

Sadly, I can actually follow most string theory stuff (my physics teacher talked about it one day, and it really interested me so I went on a rampage reading whatever I could about string theory until I understood it). But all that science stuff is what shapes my beliefs as well. Here's my person chart of transcending religions

Tiny baby- Worshiped whoever fed me (I was a chubby 10 lb 3oz baby when I was born)
pre-k--6th- Episcopalian (Stopped going to church in 3rd grade though)
6th grade- Learned biology, no longer believed in Jesus, no religion
7th-mid 9th- Wicca (I thought I was being so cool and alternative at the time)
end 9th-10th- agnostic force out there, I don't know what
11th+- There is no God, but conscious has yet to totally be explained by science, so that could represent something else.

I don't know if you can relate/make sense of that crappy list. Does it make sense?

Honestly, I had not heard of the Jungian collective unconscious and had to go look it up. It sounds actually right up my alley, I also respect that he tried to explain neurosis, because that's actually what I want to go to college/med school and work on solving how to fix it.

And the Dark Circle fan signature is perfect.
Just amazing.
He probably will believe you are a fan, and you will be one of the "fans" he talks about having.

Hahaha(how's that instead of lol?), that is one of the best stories I've heard in a while. It's just genius. You should of claimed it was like those blank canvas and by being blank it appeals to everyone (I honestly don't know how people explain blank canvases).

And i'm sure you don't get everything I say, because half the time I don't understand what i'm saying. I just speak what I think with out a filter system or whatever is spoused to keep you from saying things you shouldn't. Like the one time I stood in front of my entire school and insulted them by calling them like spoiled brats or something.

I wonder what the max characters are too?
Any idea how to test it, because my typing skills can't last much longer than what i'm typing.

I don't believe in God in any conventional religious sense, but I am agnostic rather than atheist. And I don't care for religion. Despise Bush. Despise the religious right, Karl Rove, wedge issues, the World Bank, IMF and the new imperialism of natural resources.... As for abortion, I think any male who opposes a woman's right to choose should be forced to undergo surgery to make them able to bear child and have an embryo implanted into their guts for nine months, before voicing said opinion. ^ I think I'm in love with you, Red.

Yeah, It was actually Jack in the Richard sense of the word (**** and Jane) from some illustrated reading books from the 1950's (or so). But I really like Jack as the euphemism now.

That's an impressive time line of transcendence. I've started my own progression, but I can tell it's going to take little while...

I like the haha fine, but knowing 'lol' hurts you back into a 7th grade convulsion I kind of like that better. And I really should have sold it (the blank handbook) better.
'But 'abstractly,' it is complete.' While waving my tiny little hands around in circles to distract her.

The archetypes are a really interesting idea of Jung, similar to Plato, or Aristotle's Outline theory, in a way. There is the field, of Psycho-Biology (terrible name, but something I think you would really get into) with 'The Brain' by Richard Restak being a very readable introduction.

I actually work the graveyard shift at a half production/ half R and D wafer fab, but the production stuff should be going to China real soon. And layoffs plentiful, and please, please pink slip me. And we had yet another meeting this morning. And have another scheduled for tomorrow. And yes, sometimes I just want to punch my boss in the throat.


I think we both (to various degrees) have our share of exposed wiring that makes us a little wild. I'm sure there's a huge difference and I'm sure there's many things I won't understand (at least not fully understand). I'm not a very combative person though, but usually my size 6'4" 200 lbs. keeps anyone from testing me.
The teen years were pretty mad, but I had access to a lot of pharmaceuticals from the parents of friends to give me a little buffer for the exposed wiring. Got valium and barbiturates, from a kid who's mom was a nurse. Pain pills from a doctor's kid. And the combining of these with alcohol was a pretty sweet buffer. But largely I rarely did drugs unless I was forced out and about. And I didn't care for pot, or any hallucinogenics. The strangest drug I ever took was from a Veterinarian's kid, which I may have to talk about later, not good.

Yeah, it's unfortunate that the neocons have poloarized us in such an abrassive way that it's nice to just be able to share a view with someone without a load of contested rhetoric.

That's a bit sadastic, in the good way that makes me smile, if that makes sense. The bad way being my friend who takes emense pleasure in watching his ex turn into a blonde automaton and get in trouble for "flaunting her pot smoking habits on campus."

I wouldn't call the time line impressive, just a logic based child attempting to find...logic (for lack of a better word).

But 'abstractly,' it is complete.' While waving my tiny little hands around in circles to distract her.
^That made me "lol"(I still cringe), as well.

And your book suggestions really have expanded my usually pathetically small list of books I want to read.

I embarrassingly have to ask what is R and D? I probably should know, but I somehow managed to skip the econ class at school, so have no conception of business jargon. And the only experience I have working is when I model every once in a while, which honestly teaches me little, except different ways of walking, twirling, and evoking intensity. Sorry about all the meetings though.

hehe, being that tall is an excellent reason not to test your patience. I probably wouldn't, considering i'm a 5'9" blonde that weighs 124 lbs (i'm actually the heaviest i've ever been right now). It's reassuring your not a very combative person, too many people are these days. There's this physco kid in my grade who started a fight club in which there has already been a concussion, broken hand, black eye, and displaced shoulder blade. The last fight I went to I spent about 1 hour playing nurse, because none of the guys were taking care of themselves, they were just sitting letting there faces bleed.

What happened with the drug from the Vet's kid? I'm immensely curious. The worse I ever did was acid. The trippiest was this summer when my best friend there gave me some random pills that I, like you, combined with alcohol and pot. I spent that night on a pirate ship.

Is Uber a quirky word..you could use that next time..

I like it..I related to it...but when I think of red on a ceiling I think of

Redrum.

haha, yea, at least 2 people have related to it. (I honestly think Crowquill doesn't like me or my music, ergo not liking anything I write)

In 7th grade I started writing Redrum, Redrum all over my science exam because I finished early. I freaked a lot of people out that day. Sweet connection though. And i'll try to use Uber next time I write, it is quirky.

I just looked at my previous post and I can't believe I forgot to italicize Dick once again.

The R and D are for Research and Development, although I have nothing to do with any of the loftier engineering aspects, I'm pretty much an automaton. Besides some very basic math all my job skills were acquired in kindergarten. I consider the job as elevated cannery work, just like I considered an old office job as retarded origami.
I also forgot to say the farm is pretty light work, consisting of mainly throwing flakes of hay out of a pickup truck for the horses. It's more the drive there, the time consumption, the being awake. Spring is busier and irrigation during the summer a little more physically demanding and time consuming. But it's also real nice some times. Taking the bird dogs (german short-hairs) out and letting bounce around in the field in front of you.

I definitely get the masochistic male drive that inspires things like fight clubs, the world can seem so safe, ineffectual and fake. Pain feels real and fighting/ physical challenges can test your very essence, your heart in a way that nothing else will. The drive to see if you really are worth a damn. Like most things I went through my phases with athletics and imperiling challenges. I got close enough, to see what I wanted from a free hand rock climbing experience. Stuck with my fist in a crevice like a monkey trap. Down no longer an option, up seemingly impossible. Just there, using my fist for leverage, hoping it didn't slide out of the hole until I got my other hand on top. The tricky part was only about nine, or ten feet, but the drop would have been about thirty feet onto jagged boulders. Once I got to the top, I suggested to the friends (who had some experience climbing) to try that piece, because of the rush I feeling. Because life seemed really huge at that moment. At that moment, standing on top of that rock, adrenaline pumping mad, life seemed like one very big potent deal.
To which they responded, 'No effing way.'

As far as phenotype I'm sure 5'9", blonde and 124 lbs. can be plenty persuasive. Modeling seems like it could be plenty difficult, I would definitely be begging in my mind, 'Please, please ask me to show indifference. Ask me to give one great big blank stare.' Do you have a best and worst evocation experience?

The vet drug, was cat tranquilizer and with the word 'tranquilizer' I was expecting a diazepam, Valium type thing. Found out afterwards it's based on a derivative of PCP. Which actually makes some sense for the spatial inconsistencies and how immobilizing they were to me, but I didn't feel very 'tranquil.' It was bizarre and ending up in some strange trailer/ mobile home that night didn't help in the slightest. I felt like a giant and that I was the only really solid thing in the structure, everything else, like the walls and ceiling seemed paper thin. Internally there was no buzz, nothing calming, or stimulating at all, which sucked azz. I just sat in a lounger and there was this red balloon that someone had charged and stuck to the ceiling and it looked more solid than anything else. I remember thinking there was no way I was going to fit around that without incidentally tearing down every wall of the trailer on my way out. Just felt helpless, no pro side to it, maybe if I'd been outdoors, but I doubt it. I could see where it'd mess with cats to keep them from moving though.

I've got my own book list growing on the fridge too, it's been awhile. Thanks.

Yeah do that..use Uber I bet you'll get some more followers. I only know of Redrum from the book..damn good book too.

For kicks and giggles I posted our entire conversation so far (not including what i'm typing now) into word. A solid 11 pages. Impressive, no? But that is probably more than any paper or story i've ever written before. I usually go add on stories before I can finish them.

Oh, R and D makes total sense and I feel like a complete retard for not being able to figure it out. Sorry, your an automaton though, if I had a magic 8 ball and happened to shake it, i'm sure it would say you have a brighter future coming your way. At least the farm is terribly much work, and you have the german short-hairs to keep you company, they're so much fun to play with when they give you attention (one of my dogs is half german short-hair, half Satan). Do you ever go huntin' with them?

Haha, I love your friends reaction to mountain climbing, it's classic. Very excellent way of describing rock climbing, I felt like I was in the moment. On a side not, I understand how pain makes everything so real, but isn't there a better way feel what is real? Or possibly if you can understand what is real, couldn't you learn how to always feel real? Those questions make me sound like i'm stoned. But i've always been curious what is real?

I honestly don't play to my looks to get what I want (if I really want something I will, but that is a very rare occasion). I tend to downplay them as much as possible-- no makeup, about 15 seconds spent brushing my hair (sometimes I don't even bother), and as my friends often tell me I dress very unflattering for my figure. I prefer to get through life on my intellect *shock*, most of the models usually laugh claiming it is a "silly" idea.

The worst experience I had was when I had consumed a bit too much champagne back stage and when I went to walk down the runway I was couldn't walk in a straight line. I got in so much trouble. This lady named Veronica (director of the show), spent a good 10 minutes yelling at me, I felt so incompetent. My best experience was at this one show that called "Through the Looking Glass" (Alice in Wonderland Theme) and one of my best friends who tends to be at the same shows I am at got to be on the runway working with me. It was so much fun, because it was a square runway so we came out as interpretive (white fishnet stockings, tail, white jacket, white top hat) rabbits running around like we were late for the show. Then at the top of the square we ran into each other (we were spoused to), and the lights cut out for 10 seconds during which we had to sprint backstage before the lights came back on, shining on our two white top hats we were spoused to leave. It really got the adrenaline flowing, like when you rock climbed I suppose.

Sorry the story was so long, I wish I had a short response to my best and worst experience, I could of just said some of the really idiotic things i've heard them say.

Very interesting experience you had with drugs, I can't honestly say i've heard someone with an experience like that before. It is very unique. But i'm sure the lack of buzz inside must of been extremely frustrating. Your red balloon part of the story is what keeps sticking with me. It sounds like a great topic for a song. In the back of my mind i'm thinking there's some song by Goldfinger about Red Balloons. Do you know if there is?

I'm getting this sense that you are a huge outdoors person. Am I right in assuming that? And on a random tangent, do you ride horses? That was my passion once, and since you spend time on a farm you just might.

There have been a few outdoorsy farm experiences, a few hunting trips, some horse riding, a single attempt at steer riding when I seven, but not a lot. The short-hairs are my uncles and are all of the same bloodline as his first short-hair that I remember from an early age. I remember him and his first dog with super fond memories, such a comedic pair.
I do really appreciate my rural background, witnessing the birth of a colt, the sense of accomplishment in getting a field cleared of bails of hay, spending time with my grandfather when he was younger and you could earn his respect and confidence out in the fields. He told me two things that really stuck with me. One, when I was maybe five, we we're walking out to the pasture and he looked at my shoe strings and said, 'You better tie up those shoes, or you're going to trip and break your goddamn neck.' The other was when I was about fifteen, 'Son, I don't need to go to church. I spend all day with god. God is everything, every piece of straw, the mountains, everything.'

It looks like Goldfinger did a cover of 99 Red Balloons (luft balloons) by Nena, great song in German, or English. I'm not sure if it was the color, or shape, or both that were so immobilizing.

I have probably 15 manuscripts (most are screenplays) over a hundred pages (the longest about 240) each and my user name comes from a novel I wrote during the last national write a novel month (november) 'The Little Red Number Fives.' It's just re-writing is a special torture I'd rather avoid so thousands of thousands of pages and nothing clean.

The 'Through the Looking Glass' show seems pretty intense. I hate to suggest too many books at a time, but with your modeling and knowledge of fight clubs you probably have already read it, Invisible Monster by Chuck Palahnuik (sp?). If not, it's an amusing good read. And reading of the champagne experience and knowing me I could see Veronica carrying on for about five minutes before I held up my middle finger and asked, 'What do you think the BMI of this finger is? Right here, this finger?'

There was something earlier on that I was going to get to (I'm sure there are many things I've forgot), but it was about acute sensitivity (for a general term) and the way people with it can also get more and sometimes too much out of stimulus. What's beautiful can be almost paralyzingly beautiful. There are a few things I've witnessed that have stunned me in a exquisite way, but they're pretty confined within an experience that is difficult to convey. Wanted to share and hopefully I'll be able to give up a few that there is a possibility of you seeing, either in movies, or life.

One beautiful thing was a little girl doing this french performance type song for school children called, Une Petite Poisson. It's a stretch but perhaps someone you know, or will meet has attended a Montessori and knows the song. It just too sweet and horrible and true to take.

If you've ever seen Amelie, I think the character who was called 'The Glass Man' was sending her video tapes with images of life affirming items, so maybe that's what I'm thinking about. I did really adore the one image he sent of the horse in the bicycle race (maybe tour de france).

Well work time
it's been snowing here.

Was working on a big huge reply to Pills Steal my Ecstatic Delusions, but it got all disjointed and unclear. I'll try again Sunday, or Monday. To just say, it's crazy great in many ways including structure and word use, is not enough. I might actually hit the max. words with the reply.

Kudos for trying to ride a steer. Tough ****. What happened when you tried? Cause i've seen some pretty entertaining/impressive sights when people attempt to ride steers.

It's good that you appreciate having a rural background, i'm going to sound cliche saying this, but I truly believe it builds character. I have found that purely urban inhabitants have a much more jaded and cynical view of life, and don't appreciate some simple things at all. I'm trying not to sound like i'm talking about something I know nothing about, because I am technically a "city" person, I live in Raleigh and my parents have apartments in mainly big cities: NY, Atlanta, London, Berlin, Brussels, and Oslo that I visit on weekends or breaks. But we have a family farm, which my mom loves and since I was little have spent many weeks living (I mainly helped with the animals, which often entailed me getting attacked by this devil turkey). But I thought it gave me a greater appreciation for the simpler life, and some of the unexpected joys that it gives you.

I really enjoyed reading those two things you remember about your grandfather. They have that simple sort of profoundness that I believe only older people possess. Especially the god thing, that's going to stick with me for a while. The quotes just reflect his character so well, I can imagine just how he acts day to day.

I'm going for the color, for if my physics knowledge is accurate (it's not always) Red is the color with the highest frequency. And i'm convinced that the human mind is fascinated by objects that emit a high frequency. While objects with low frequencies are dull and soothing to the mind.

15 manuscripts is a hell of a lot of writing, just wow. Do you want to be a professional writer? I'm interested in what you have written though, is there anyway you could send on of your manuscripts or "Red Number Fives" to me? But re-writing is a bitch, partly because I often take criticism as a personal attack and my grammatical skills rival that of a chimpanzee. This national write a novel month is an weird idea to me. A know a couple of girls at my school who participated in it and their novels turned out to have weak plots and weak diction. Yours could be amazing, but I feels as though the time pressure hinders you in a way that you don't really write what you want to say, because your in such a hurry to finish it. Does that make sense?

Suggest as many books as you like, I was in a book dry spell honestly. I actually have never read Invisible Monster. A friend lent me Fight Club last year (which reminds me I need to return the book to her) and I enjoyed it immensely, so I will definitely check out Invisible Monster. Hahaha, I wish I would of responded that way, I was just so ashamed I had made a fool out of myself, again (I have the annoying tendency to do that).

Thank you so much for sharing those moments with me, it meant a lot to know someone else can be so overcome with beauty. I actually know many people who have actually attended Montessori, so I definitely will ask them about it. Your description makes it seem like too great an opportunity to miss. I saw Amelie about 4 years ago, so I honestly don't remember it that well, I just remember it being amazing. But I will find it in the mess of a house I live in and watch it again. On the subject of French movies though, there is this French movie called He Loves Me He Loves Me Not, which was really interesting. It's one of those movies where the plot twist saves it and transforms it into a great movie. It's worth a watch.

Do you like snow/cold? I am not a huge fan of it, although it can be truly refreshing. There is some quality about the cold that makes my body just want to stop. Or are you one of those people who are immune to the depressing qualities of cold?

I wonder how many other people are reading the probably wordiest post ever on this sight? I never really thought about it until today when I saw how many views this page had. Probably people see all the words, get intimidated, and run. That sounds very human.

Agog, that's me today, choo-chooing all day like a retarded train. Band mates wanting to jam again, another friend wanting stills from a short film project we were working on, a lady from PSU (Portland) wanting to do an interview concerning 'how people learn' and some poker party (I took a big pass on that though). I have some vicodin and a bottle of pinot noir to decompress, but that's going to wait.

Wow, there are a lot of views on this thread I wonder if it's read in a serial way? If people read current post as an episode? I'm sure no one can read it consecutive, in one sitting. I kind of want to go back and read it all the way through now, but I'm sure there are many things I missed. Stuff I'll want to edit.

You are more than welcome to read my stuff, but the novel is just such a mess. I have some shorts I wrote about a year ago that might be better. I think if you read excerpts from the novel you would only see the former fourth grade english failure in my writing. Of course, none of it is great 'writing' (shrunk and white would roll over in their graves (if they're not dead already, they should be)), but every once in a while I'll get on a roll. As far as being a writer, making any kind of career out of it...it'd be nice, but it's highly doubtful for several reasons. Mainly I write for its own end, the thought, the immersion into characters and plot. I know the characteristics needed in storytelling and I know I don't write that way. But it isn't like I haven't tried to sell stuff, try and make a career out of it, I do have plenty of rejection letters.

On the Red, it's actually from a marketing school of thought (the name of which escapes me now) consisting of using block of Red and White with shapes of Black imposed, but it's made to manipulate attention from the human eye so I'm sure the frequency was the main consideration.

The steer riding was comical, little me all stupid and brave, throwing the chest out like my uncle showed me. I was on it for probably five seconds. My uncle had named the steer 'widow maker.' And as soon as the chute open, widow maker went directly over to the plank fence and brushed little stupid and brave me off on my ass.

With the rural influences I do think it grounds in a practical side of life that escapes those that don't get exposed to it, but it was a spotty infrequent exposure for me. I lol'd the Devil Turkey, I remember being terrorized by a rooster, they just come at you with everything they got. My grandfather kept telling me, 'Just kick him...he's not going to stop until you kick him.' But I thought I'd kill it, then my grandfather just came over and punted it about twenty feet in the air.

There also seems a difference in the coasts (east and west) and the mid-west with formative upbringing. I think San Francisco is probably the most comparable urban city to the east coast cities. I spent a little time down there as the former girlfriends' family lived there and liked the feel, the aloof autonomy, the value on intellect and arts. Seattle does have its cosmopolitan aspects, same with Portland, but they are definitely not cities like the east coast. Besides layovers for connecting flights Athens, Greece is the only international city I've been to and that was only a couple days in and out from the islands.

I will check out 'He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not.' Jeunet (wrote and directed Amelie) also did some earlier films with Marc Caro. The City of Lost Children and Delicatessen, I really liked both of those. Actually the question, 'Or are you one of those who are immune to the depressing qualities of the cold?' Reminded me of a scene from The City of Lost Children. Where the scientist asks the boy, ' Are you unsusceptible to the effects of the full moon?' It shouldn't give anything away if you haven't seen it yet.

And the cold, I hate it, can't stand it. I moved back here to help the grandparents with the farm as they're getting older, but I was so pissed that first winter last year. It seemed to snow from November until March. Drove me crazy. But when it started snowing a couple days ago I found myself enjoying just watching it. There was just something beautiful in how it was falling, how it was coming down so soft at the time. How it was moving, swirling, it was like I could see the shape of air. Like the invisible man was being revealed. Nice, but it'd be nice to be in the tropics too.

I set up an email account just for this forum so I don't mind posting it here. I'll send a short, or two, then maybe some rough chapters if you can stand the shorts.
ittlered05@yahoo.com

Woah, I was not aware you were in a band or working on a short film, plus all the other stuff you apparently are wanted for. Kudos. You are doing more than I could ever imagine participating in at once. The vicodin thing reminds me of House, do you ever have time to watch that show? If not, your not missing too much, it's better than most of the purely sex-driven shows that seem to make up television, but it's not spectacular (Hugh Laurie pretty much makes the show). Why don't you like poker though? I have some pretty fond memories of playing poker.

Yea, I don't think anyone has the attention span to read through this entire post in a sitting. I'm surprised their are views/other people reading it. I never really consider what I say terribly interesting. And only one other person on this forum knows me personally, but we don't really talk and know so little about the other that he wouldn't care to read this. I guess people could pick up some good books and movies from reading this. I hope somebody who does read this will get the message of my small rant, and reply with an answer to the question.

You were raised with Strunk and White as well? I find that pretty funny, how people can live in total different places, but be raised on similar books.

What would you prefer me to read? Some people actually like others reading their rougher material, so i'm unsure of what you would prefer. I just love reading others peoples work because it tells you so much about their own character and often their wishes. For example, there is this one girl at my school who often writes these surreal, acid like stories, where she often is always surrounded by boys who want her. Those stories embody her wishes and dreams because the acid element is her always trying give off the vibe that she's this hippie, when she never actually has done hard drugs. The her being surrounded by guys is mainly how all her friends are males (she's very possessive over them, humorous to me) and how she wishes she is wanted by them all, even though in real life, as far as I have noticed (I pay very little attention to her group so I could be wrong) she is not.
I don't know if I made sense. I'm a little manic right now, so i'm trying to tone down the chatter that comes with it, but it's hard.

It's good that you write just to write, and not worry about if it fits a good "story." That often is the best kind, in my opinion(which sadly is not often the publics opinion).

I am faced with a moral delima though. In case you didn't know, I am bipolar. I don't like telling people because they judge and often consider me invalid and useless when they find out. But I was diagnosed when I was an adolescent, and they have very few records of adolescents with bipolar, so they want to publish my person journal mainly to help other teenagers who who suffer from this. I still am a teenager though, and they want to later publish a second journal, as one like after I learned to control. I don't want to personally, way to invasive of my personal space, and it seems really odd to have my personal thoughts on sale in a bookstore. But i'm torn because it apparently will help a lot of teenagers as well. You seem to have more wisdom than all of my friends, opinion, please?

Your bull riding story made me smile(i'm a bit sadistic, sorry). "Window maker" is a weird ass name for a bull though. Do you happen to know why the bull was blessed with name, "window maker?"

The Rooster story made me 'lol' as well, something about a rooster flying 20 feet through the air because your grandfather punted it is extremely humorous.

I know what you mean about difference of coasts. The West has always seemed very relaxed and intellectual to me, while the East is busy, high stress, bohemian artsy. Athens was scary urbanized to me, except for the Acropolis (Parthenon) and the blue, blue sea I did not really enjoy it. The islands are definitely what you want to go to, did you go to San Terianne (sp?) by any chance?

I'll check out the other two films as well. I'm one of those wierd people who tends to like foreign films more than American ones, which is ironic because I am absolutely terrible at foreign languages, hence me taking Latin.

Haha, your right, snow can be beautiful, but so can the tropics. And I would be lying if I said I didn't enjoy the snow on occasion. That must of taken a lot though to move to the North to help out your grandparents, really really amazingly sweet though.

I just read the end and saw that you were sending me the shorts, so ignore the question at the top. sorry. My email is swwheaton@gmail.com (I used to have a more creative email address, but it was starting to seem way to childish, especially for college stuff.)

Oscar nights tonight, and I can't decide if I care enough to watch. My dad was telling me all about the pomegranate martini that is spoused to be the new drink at the Oscars, the fact he knows that really discourages me from watching.

Most of my writing is on my laptop, so I'll look for some stuff to send tonight, but I may not get around to sending it until I get back from work in the morning.

I watched Amelie again and saw that she actually makes the tapes for the glass man, rather than the other way around. Pretty great movie. I think I've seen it probably six times now.

I haven't watched television in over a year, I did buy some episodes of The Office on iTunes and a DVD of the English versions first series. I just can't stand commercials.

As for handing over your personal journals, I don't have a huge confidence in the psychological community. I do think your journals could help others feel less alienated and provide them with insights as to what is happening, as well possibly give them insight into things that might trigger a depressive, or manic episode. And I do think that with you knowing about it, while writing the journal, it adds a level of recognition that could be increasingly beneficial. Of course there is a down side to having a journal published, or even writing one, but I do think there is a sincere benefit.

I don't really know much about the disorder, or what's physiologically associated as the neurological cause (chemical, or anatomical, or ??). I do know that there is a preponderance of stimuli that is targeted to get inside a persons' mind and if they're sensitive to such stimulus it could be very detrimental on just a processing level. I don't recall the full title, but I read a marketing book called Positioning: (Something like: 'the fight for the consumer mind') that was written in the 70's, when things were even less competitive. That book, along with Restak book The Brain: (something) made me realize there could very easily be neurological repercussions, particularly in the hyper-sensitive, from insidious marketing/ targeting activities as the brain works in a system that can be thrown out of whack, destabilized.

I'll try and read up on it, let me know if you have some suggested reading.


The only island I was on for any length of time (8 days) was Spetse, where my father lived for a year in in the 80's. I'd like to go back, I was amazed at how clear the Mediterranean is. I went during the pre-Iraq rhetoric so in Athens there was people rioting around the embassy everyday.

Oh you may, or may not have realized it was 'widow' as in a wife who's husband has died. Just a good ol' country way of saying, man-killer.

Gawd the time just flies by, I was going to look at my other post and see if it needed to be edited, because I was so tired. Oh, the short film was being worked on awhile ago, but has long since been abandoned and the band was on hiatus, but they're wanting to jam again, it's cyclical.

It always feels like I'm missing something in every post.

I have quite a bit of work to do tonight, and I really want to sit down an read your work as well as you have read mine. So i'm going to do that tonight and make a big reply with all the commentary on your two stories tommorrow. I hope that is ok with you. I feel bad because you do so much and have time to reply and comment on my work, and I don't have time to do it all tonight, sorry.

From the glance i've given your stories though they have a really nice, very contemporary way of writing, which I personally enjoy.

Sorry again.

Those are real short, but it was pretty frustrating to realize I no longer had the WordPerfect program installed on the laptop. Had to download AbiWord on to the Mac and convert to Word in order to see which was what, because the titles were originally numeric and could have been letters. Also, as a point of interest, they were in a sub-folder, of a folder titled 'crap.'

I was thinking about that question and had that idea of 'pure being' (from 'I Heart Huckabees') come to mind. But also from the movie there is the realization that it's unsustainable. Whether it's 'human drama,' or just how there's this seemingly constant induction into the ineffectual, or even attention span it's unsustainable, but I don't think whether it's sustainable, or not is the question really. If you haven't seen it I think you would like it immensely. It's a must see.

Please feel free to send anything, I do have a lot going on, but will read and will respond eventually. It's probably going to be the weekend before I have a chance to bust the novel into chapters, but at least it's written in Word. But I know if I start editing it too much it'll never get sent. It's bad, I did say I wrote it in a month.

Hopefully sometime this week I'll get this song up, but I've been unable to keep it from peaking and still be at a listen-able volume. It's mostly bad, but there are these two guitar progression that have the kind of soft sonic looming I like. If I post it I'll let you know, most of it's laughably terrible though.

I just read that, for some reason i missed that you commented on it on both, this and the user cp.

I just finished both of your short-stories. I actually really like them. I wrote comments all over the pages, so i'm going to see if I can scan them onto the computer and send you the scans, with my other page of typed comments. It's going to take some serious computer skills, which I lack though, so give me a bit of time to figure it out. I really liked "Invisible," it had some truly amazing lines and ideas. Especially the cutting of the index finger and cooking it and the becoming less visible after you were already invisible and how when you fade your aspirations fade, truly great stuff.

Well thanks for reading them, I wrote them as part of a Writer's Group that quickly became a Drinking Group. I'd just flail out some little attempt at a story like the day before. There were a couple I liked, the longest was probably 5 pages. And I'm thrilled you got the major idea of 'Invisible.' I'll try and get some other shorts converted and maybe send one with a chapter this weekend.

The song is sucking more than the alloted quota of ass, so hopefully when the group jams next I can get some real drums, bass and get the reverb down off vocals. I keyboarded the drums and gawd it's awful. So bad that I actually tried to mic hitting one of my canvas with wooden spoons...funny awful.

I did post some videos in the Promotion section (thread: alpo: the videos) a while ago, if you're interested. They're pretty terrible, but the effort was minimal.

i'll find the thread and check you out.


I'm so shocked your on at a normal time. What happened?

An itchy beard woke me up early, had to get up and shave. I was really starting to look quite the hick, it'd been like three weeks. But I'm going to nap now, well try, right up till I have to leave for work.