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Old 02-18-2007, 10:11 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Exclamation The World Order Of Tree Canopies

The World Order Of Tree Canopies

Oh, the leaves won tonight.
But what a fight.
And now we're all dead.
But the leaves are satisfied,
Because they won tonight; bloody bystanders.

Our gunfire ripped through the trees.
As they spurt sap,
We needed energy
To fight our enemies,
And so we sipped.

Evergreens shattered,
We could hear it miles away.
Our face paint smeared from sweat.
Our boots took us through it all, tattered.
Our hands pulled at triggers, wet.
We prayed they didn’t slip.

Vietnam looks in jealousy
At the hell we’ve created.
World War I bows in shame at our horror.
World War II looks in shock and awe.

P-51’s fall; bleeding smoke,
Watching dodging P-47’s.
F-14’s explode upon missile impact.
Dogfight of the century.

Look at the wolves that lie dead around us.
The bugs, the birds, all bleeding.
Leaves hide, from bullets.
Some shot apart; casualties of crossfire.

A new world order; New Leaf
Emerges from the rising smoke.
An order of peace, of nature,
Pure and clean.

Hellish Armageddon no longer overwhelms.
No more murderer, no more thief.
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Wolverinewolfweiselpigeon said:

What's with people dying? Shit.
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Old 02-21-2007, 11:00 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Bump.
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Wolverinewolfweiselpigeon said:

What's with people dying? Shit.
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Old 02-22-2007, 08:24 PM   #3 (permalink)
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this one i like, i like the parts
Quote:
Vietnam looks in jealousy
At the hell we’ve created.
World War I bows in shame at our horror.
World War II looks in shock and awe.

P-51’s fall; bleeding smoke,
Watching dodging P-47’s.
F-14’s explode upon missile impact.
Dogfight of the century.
, i like those the most, had a good image in my mind from that
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Old 02-23-2007, 07:16 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Excellent, good imagery, good diction.
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Old 02-23-2007, 09:30 AM   #5 (permalink)
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These lines...

"And now we're all dead."

"We needed energy
To fight our enemies,
And so we sipped."

... weren't as good as the rest.

"And now we're all dead", well maybe it works but it seems a bit plonky. The other three lines, I'm not sure what purpose they serve. I don't know what's being sipped and don't know why the part about energy is there.

The rest was really good.
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When Pete plays it is 100% live , your music if that's what you call it doesn't sound so good either? so you can't really critercize can you ?
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