Shaking (quote, Hang)

either/or · 03-09-2007, 08:38 AM

you went out like an explosion
ripping up all the walls
spitting up timber and dust
until nobody could see at all
and we all lay about confused
picking ourselves up and shaking off the morning
with a quickly swallowed month
and some words or two
we were relatively sane again
but it will be the dark nights that get you
waking in the dim light of a tv set
the rattled colouring of the third reich
drowning out the ringing and the flashing
of the clock telling you that you messed up again

or a brief glimpse in a mirror
nestled amongst the grey plaster and unsettling neons
telling you that you always came from there
and you will always remain that way
no matter how many times you double back
and shake it off as something else
because no one can survive that kind of force
those kinds of endings you only ever see in movies
they will be the ones that get you the most

sleepy jack · 03-09-2007, 11:08 AM

Quote:

ripping up all the walls
spitting up timber and dust
until nobody could see anymore

If you changed anymore to at all, it would say the same thing but rhyme.

Its good, i like it.

PaperHurricanesAndPlanes · 03-09-2007, 01:33 PM

Or if he put "at all" after "anymore" That could work. I'll give this a more full crit later, homez.

sleepy jack · 03-09-2007, 01:52 PM

That would be way too long and disrupt the flow.

either/or · 03-12-2007, 08:04 AM

changed, tnaks guys

03-09-2007, 08:38 AM	#1 (permalink)
either/or Don't think twice Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: A basement on the hill Posts: 352	Shaking you went out like an explosion ripping up all the walls spitting up timber and dust until nobody could see at all and we all lay about confused picking ourselves up and shaking off the morning with a quickly swallowed month and some words or two we were relatively sane again but it will be the dark nights that get you waking in the dim light of a tv set the rattled colouring of the third reich drowning out the ringing and the flashing of the clock telling you that you messed up again or a brief glimpse in a mirror nestled amongst the grey plaster and unsettling neons telling you that you always came from there and you will always remain that way no matter how many times you double back and shake it off as something else because no one can survive that kind of force those kinds of endings you only ever see in movies they will be the ones that get you the most __________________ Painstaking devotion and love Surrendered to self preservation From others who care for themselves A blindness that touches perfection But hurts just like anything else Isolation, isolation, isolation Last edited by either/or; 03-12-2007 at 08:03 AM.

03-12-2007, 08:04 AM	#5 (permalink)
either/or Don't think twice Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: A basement on the hill Posts: 352	changed, tnaks guys __________________ Painstaking devotion and love Surrendered to self preservation From others who care for themselves A blindness that touches perfection But hurts just like anything else Isolation, isolation, isolation