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Old 03-09-2007, 03:38 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Good Will Come

"Good Will Come"



i can't see you- anymore.
We sit twenty metres apart
Yet a brick wall seperates us
Iron bars, cement barriers fold over themselves
Classrooms compress our bodies
Make us pupils in two eyes of a giant monster
The being washes its face with
Conformity and sheds hot tears
Feverishly fluttering its eyelashes
Hard-pressed blinks come down
Over-and-over, again and again
Large eyelids try to console the pupils
Hide them from extraordinary occurences
(They can't always stay shut)- We swear;
Flecks of gold shine through
Pupils strive to suck all the life from the darkness
They make the light their own
Stretching with long arms
Climbing out from under their bed
Where they once laid with a flashlight
Consoling themselves and catching comfort
In false light they held hope, once- but
Now Iris asks them, "Where is your hope when eyes are closed?"
This lock will break soon, for you, You
Will pick it with such skill
Twenty metres is going to seem like the universe
i won't catch you now, as you
Slip out of staple society, press
Coordinated kisses on the lips of
Freedom- shut your eyes as the
Embrace becomes exotic and the
Sunshine undresses in the distant horizon
Elated smiles descend from the skies.
In exaltation you raise your chin to the sun,
Grab hold of a new day with open eyes-
Walking against the cold morning wind,
Proud and persistent- you blush.
Life smashes into your frame with
Unprecedented brilliance,
Casting miles of shadow-
Filled with hope, and dreams.


-Jake
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Last edited by Trauma; 03-10-2007 at 03:26 PM.
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Old 03-10-2007, 03:27 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Bump, comments?


Please?
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Old 03-10-2007, 04:03 PM   #3 (permalink)
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UUUUUUUUUUUUmmmmmmmmmmm! I'm telling, you didn't wait 24 hrs. J/K
It seemed to me like it was kind of all over the place-like it was talking about being in a classroom, and how teachers in school hide things from students and create a very deceptive view of reality to some degree, by being all fancy pants, and sugar coating things for us, and pretending to be authorities on things that they don't know much about. Then it was talking about students finding light in darkness or something. That was the most intriguing part, but I'm not exactly sure what it has to do with the poem. Then it seemed like, while you were bored in class you were engaging in some kind of sexual fantasy, and the end, of course, was about that exalted and elated feeling you get from finally get out of that hellhole jail cell known as the American public school system.
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Old 03-11-2007, 12:08 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Essentially it was me bored as all hell in Advanced Placement Chemistry, 20 metres from my girlfriend who was in another classroom.
The ending was me contemplating whether or not I want to go to college.

Thank you very much for the review!
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Old 03-11-2007, 10:06 AM   #5 (permalink)
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The only thing I really like is the title!
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Old 03-11-2007, 12:59 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Cool!
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Old 03-11-2007, 03:31 PM   #7 (permalink)
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I couldn't connect with it, because the situation you wrote about it pretty specific and esoteric. But I think if it means something to you, then ... yeah, right on. It's well written for what it is - but like I said, you might want to open the ideas up more if you want other people to connect with your song! I don't know how to go about advising that though - good work.
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Old 03-11-2007, 09:58 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I think I need to stop posting free verse thought and post more poems that have specific rhyme schemes.
Flow does not compromise lyrical content.
Thank you Crowe!
I agree with the connection to a reader.
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Old 03-12-2007, 12:39 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Quote:
Life smashes into your frame with
Unprecedented brilliance,
Casting miles of shadow-
Filled with hope, and dreams.
Reading the poem was a chore until I came to these last four lines. Strong finish to a weak poem; the result is bittersweet.

Long is not always better.
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Old 03-12-2007, 07:04 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Thanks.
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