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Old 12-13-2007, 09:30 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default The eyes of scar in a river of mistake!

(working title)

i found myself swimming in a river.
i saw some scriptures as i swam faster and faster.
there were objects following me.
they were your eyes. watching me as i do anything.
im seeing that you watch me.
to see if i make the mistake that you predict i would make.

you dont seem to get it.
how i can just live my own life and remain by myself.
i dont like it when i have to come to you only because i live with you.
i dont believe i need to listen to you.
but a small word can lead into an argument with you.

i cant believe you would take something so precious away from me.
because when im around you.
i feel my heart stop.
its like something wants me to not be living when im around you.
it gives me hints.
i believe its saying for me to let myself go.

i dont want to because of you.
but i dont know...
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Old 12-14-2007, 05:11 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Seems like you struggled to write something. Let the words come to you, don't force them.
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I think I know much better than you ever will how Mettalica is. I used to play for 2 years in a Mettalica cover band.



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Old 12-14-2007, 07:13 AM   #3 (permalink)
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I actually like it quite a bit, it seems a bit choppy(bad adjective, sorry) so it could use some work on smoothness. good metaphors and such. I wouldnt change the plot at all the only thing that needs work is the smoothness.
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Old 12-14-2007, 08:23 AM   #4 (permalink)
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I'll have to agree with Ace on this one. You look like you are trying suuuppperrr hard to write something... it shows, at least to me (and Ace apparently). Take another crack at it, but don't try to write something insightful for the sake of writing something insightful, ya dig?
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Old 12-14-2007, 08:41 AM   #5 (permalink)
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alright. i actually agree. it does seem like i tried to hard when i read through it. thanks.

/isdone
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Old 12-14-2007, 01:33 PM   #6 (permalink)
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it seems to me like what you have to say is along the right lines, you just gotta find a better way to say it. And I try to never put an exclamation mark in a song title, I find it drains the lyrics before you even read them.
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Last edited by Dizzys in the wolf; 12-14-2007 at 01:41 PM.
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Old 12-15-2007, 02:36 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Don't kick it, just keep writing. It's a process that you have to take step by step, so don't get in a hurry when you're writing. It also helps to brainstorm, and write down the ideas that go through your mind. Alot of my work, comes from piecing together different verses that hit me in the middle of the night. Take your time, and if at first it doesn't flow, remold it into something different.
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I think I know much better than you ever will how Mettalica is. I used to play for 2 years in a Mettalica cover band.



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Old 12-15-2007, 09:40 PM   #8 (permalink)
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well i know what you mean. i will say that this specific poem was a little off. i was having trouble with writers block the night i wrote this.
but as you've hopefully seen, my other poetry/lyrics are much more flowing than this.
but thanks.
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Old 12-16-2007, 11:33 AM   #9 (permalink)
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well its good that you wrote something then, sometimes you just have to write bad poetry for three pages before it comes pouring out. I was always told that I "wrote into" my pieces meaning that before I go to the writing group if i'd hacked off the first stanza or two I'd be halfway there.

Similarly, "The Wasteland's" April is the cruelest month was something like a paragraph or a page in. Sometimes ****ty poetry helps.
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Old 12-16-2007, 02:36 PM   #10 (permalink)
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i know what you mean. you need to fail at times to succeed more. failing causes people to try more so that they can write better poetry.
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