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Old 12-19-2007, 12:35 PM   #1 (permalink)
infamous nimbus
 
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Default human nobody

I'm staring down the wall
but he's not blinking
I hold on to a stone
to keep from sinking
I want to go back home
but its too dangerous
she said she is my mom
but which one is this?

bridge:
I'm a fake
a mistake

chorus:
I'm a waste of a
perfectly human...
nobody
I'm a waste of a
perfectly human...
nobody

Im staring down the sun
until the morning
I go straight on down this road
but it keeps on turning
I dont know where I am
But I think I like it
Another path of dirt
becomes a highway

bridge:
All my frayed
DNA

is a waste of a
perfectly human
nobody
a waste of a
perfectly human
nobody

Last edited by Jadix; 12-19-2007 at 04:57 PM.
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Old 12-19-2007, 08:46 PM   #2 (permalink)
Ace
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Meh. Once again, I'll encourage to kind of stay off the well worn out path of angst, and try writing about a different topic. However, I feel that you did alright on the verses, even though I didn't care for the chorus at all. Keep a consistant style from verse to chorus, and it'll all mix well.
Verse 1 rhymes a bit too much, unless the song is very slow paced. I do advise you write on another topic though, as "I'm a fake, a mistake" is generally a turn off to most people. Keep writing.
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I think I know much better than you ever will how Mettalica is. I used to play for 2 years in a Mettalica cover band.




Last edited by Ace; 12-19-2007 at 09:38 PM.
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Old 12-19-2007, 09:12 PM   #3 (permalink)
infamous nimbus
 
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thanks a lot for the reply. I can see how the angst will turn a lot of people off, but i guess its just where im at in my life right now.

though i was sincere about the "im a fake, a mistake", i can see how they're also very cliche...so thanks for pointing that out.

what didn't you like about the chorus? what did you think it meant?
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Old 12-19-2007, 09:34 PM   #4 (permalink)
Ace
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Just around those same lines. The chorus adds the most angst, compared to the rest of it. You could always rewrite "I'm a fake", as something like, "I'm not all I appear to be. You never know, which side you'll see." Something along those lines, but definately not the exact same way. Just get creative with the same concept. If it doesn't fly the first time, keep workin' on it.



Edit: And there's nothing wrong with giving human characteristics to unanimate objects like walls,
but "staring down a wall, and he's not blinking", doesn't make much sense. I actually like the concept a little bit.
You could take "he" out and substitute "it".
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I think I know much better than you ever will how Mettalica is. I used to play for 2 years in a Mettalica cover band.



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Old 12-19-2007, 10:36 PM   #5 (permalink)
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i debated over to go with "it" or "he", but i felt like if the character was alone and staring at a wall as if in a staring contest, he would be in such a state as to really think the wall had a personality or was alive. I know it doesn't make sense, but thats kind of the point.

Similar to "Staring at the sun, until the morning", because you cant stare at the sun during the night. Except this part of the piece is intended to show one of the character's weaknesses as being a coward or being spineless.

Everything is supposed to be an admittance of weakness in a way, as well as confusion and carelessness.
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