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Old 02-06-2008, 07:04 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default American Prison

Awake, with the rest of the world,
a faint feeling of weariness from my neighbors' cells,
but I slovenly drag myself out to
face them along with my other inmates,
dressed in my monday best, orange like the rest,
so as not to encourage any independency,
I sometimes want to break these shackles,
even though it was my choices that put me here,
make my way down to the mess hall, and see the cook,
I nod knowingly at her as she shovels the same gruel on my plate,
very few words exchanged,

After this, it's off to my job, or what these
suits think it is that I'm best at,
but, they've always underrestimated my mind,
I could be the librarian, I could be important,
the joy of this petty work is limited,
the same d.amn thing over and over,
I guess it's worth it for the pay,
trade it in for smokes, and kill myself faster,
at lunch I sit next to inmate Johnson,
he's another sucker, just waiting to get out,
very few words exchanged,

Some days I wish I'd see a riot,
just to remember when we weren't all drones,
people stand tall, and try to scare each other,
that's how we survive in this system,
and the scariest motherf*cker of all,
is the one who will thrive in this system,
but I'm tired of all this fear, I want out,
and beg for the lethal ****tail,
maybe I'll smother myself with my pillow,
because no one in here is free,
and so the day dawns, and we head back to our cells,
with all these people that I wish I cared about,
and very few words exchanged
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Old 02-06-2008, 07:41 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Hey, its your future!

Anyway. I actually enjoyed this one.
and the scariest motherf*cker of all, < that's a terrible line.
"Drones" < Don't say drones. Just don't. And "Johnson" really? Be more creative with your names.
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What's with people dying? Shit.
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Old 02-06-2008, 08:07 PM   #3 (permalink)
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This is the first one I wrote down before I posted, so I like the way it came out.
I'm mainly trying to get the story across, but I guess I could work on the intricacies a little more.

Scariest Motherf*cker of all - that was pertaining to a certain someone, so I guess I wanted to be overt with that line
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Old 02-06-2008, 09:10 PM   #4 (permalink)
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So you've been in prison?
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What's with people dying? Shit.
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Old 02-06-2008, 09:21 PM   #5 (permalink)
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in one now
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Old 02-07-2008, 07:53 AM   #6 (permalink)
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ah.. its pretty damn good

i dont think that word usage is bad :/
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Old 02-07-2008, 09:13 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Literally or metaphorically?
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Old 02-08-2008, 07:34 AM   #8 (permalink)
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i didnt catch much metaphor use... is there hidden meanins in there? i didnt put too much thought in there

i meant like the word drone, scariest mother****er, and johnson didnt bother me that much
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Old 02-11-2008, 05:49 PM   #9 (permalink)
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yeah, it's a metaphor for society being a prison.
Actually, every line is a metaphor.
I'm using the perspective of what I feel an Average Joe's life must be like, with the exception of the part
'People stand tall and try to scare each other,
that's how we survive in this system'
that's taken from my own perspective of society.

Of course, I'm sure you could read this and say, 'well, how do you know what someone else feels like. You must be the one inside a prison,' and I say, 'this is my take on modern society. We don't all have to accept the fact that everyone who lives in a nice house with a 2 car garage is fundamentally happy. When I say 'drones' I'm talking about how the school system encourages us all to think
alike, and not think outside the box, and I think what holds people back is their fear of being seen as different, i.e. (somedays I wish I'd see a riot-means, I wish I'd see a little more emotion)
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