Some lyrics (genre, song, hands)

clockworkmice · 09-27-2008, 02:38 PM

Me and a friend thought we'd try our hand at some lyrics, only just started writing them so here you go

Before i leave, i'll take my suitcase and my shoes, and i'll take my telly, you never watched it. That coat and that shelf are mine as well, I'll not see them go to hell along with you.

The double bed was bought by you but with my money, i'll come back for it if need be. The cups with the purple handles are yours but you don't like them, i'll take them of your hands because i can, and leave you as an alone man; go and make a ham sandwich.

Don't worry about me I'll be fine, you never said anything interesting anyway, you'd ask me how I was because you had nothing to talk about, it was kind of nice, but now that you've gone out, I'll get some scotch and ice. It's not because I'm sad though far from it, I always thought that I could do better, you never did fit, as I said in my letter.

Feel completely free to tell it's rubbish any C&C welcome.

Clockworkmice

~~Fyrenza~~ · 10-14-2008, 03:23 AM

i'm so sorry, but you're using too many little particulars that aren't real interesting. Maybe if you'd said:

'your razor, nose-hair clippers and porno mags, i'll take them off of your hands because i can,
and oh, by the way, i'm taking the car, too! You can sue me for it if you'd like, meanwhile, you'll be riding a bike'

but see how i just got kind of caught up in the small pic, as it were?

One of the best examples of this type of song is Phil Collins "I Don't Care Anymore" and you might get some good ideas from listening to/reading the lyrics for it.

You didn't say what genre you were writing to, and knowing that would help with our comments, also.

09-27-2008, 02:38 PM	#1 (permalink)
clockworkmice Groupie Join Date: Sep 2008 Posts: 27	Some lyrics Me and a friend thought we'd try our hand at some lyrics, only just started writing them so here you go Before i leave, i'll take my suitcase and my shoes, and i'll take my telly, you never watched it. That coat and that shelf are mine as well, I'll not see them go to hell along with you. The double bed was bought by you but with my money, i'll come back for it if need be. The cups with the purple handles are yours but you don't like them, i'll take them of your hands because i can, and leave you as an alone man; go and make a ham sandwich. Don't worry about me I'll be fine, you never said anything interesting anyway, you'd ask me how I was because you had nothing to talk about, it was kind of nice, but now that you've gone out, I'll get some scotch and ice. It's not because I'm sad though far from it, I always thought that I could do better, you never did fit, as I said in my letter. Feel completely free to tell it's rubbish any C&C welcome. Clockworkmice

10-14-2008, 03:23 AM	#2 (permalink)
~~Fyrenza~~ Account Disabled Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: high above the Republic of Texas Posts: 216	i'm so sorry, but you're using too many little particulars that aren't real interesting. Maybe if you'd said: 'your razor, nose-hair clippers and porno mags, i'll take them off of your hands because i can, and oh, by the way, i'm taking the car, too! You can sue me for it if you'd like, meanwhile, you'll be riding a bike' but see how i just got kind of caught up in the small pic, as it were? One of the best examples of this type of song is Phil Collins "I Don't Care Anymore" and you might get some good ideas from listening to/reading the lyrics for it. You didn't say what genre you were writing to, and knowing that would help with our comments, also.