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Old 10-15-2008, 11:42 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default When the World Starts to Spin

I understand how people here don't have much appreciation for religion so I'm not expecting a warm reception. But this piece really explores an issue that's personal to me. Comments are still welcome.

When the world spins, I’m closest to God,
Close to his welcome, elegant nod.
Were you told when you were young,
To play before you can’t be heard sung?

So I see now the light in the sky,
A world which careens in front of my eye:
The multicolored, zooming streams,
Effervescent glow and horned sunbeams!

So I see now the beauty entranced me,
Stars which dim, the moon immersed free
And glowing, glowing tropical sun
A blaze unadorned, the worn well spun.

Which draws me nearer, nearer still
To the light that shines on top of the hill
The tunnel pass, the glow resume,
Silence abated and amorous perfume.

And reaching still, I grasp His hand,
It pulls me away from this land.
And to Him I speak, and to Him I buy
A tremulous, sad and desperate cry:

“My heart calls back and stops me there,
No rebuke for me will it bear,
Only solemn judgment and solemn vow.”
He seems to me too near right now.

The light reveals upon His face
A look of disgust, a tone of disgrace.
When the world spins, I’m closest to God,
My life consumed, my world unbetrod.
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Last edited by lucifer_sam; 10-15-2008 at 09:56 PM.
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Old 10-15-2008, 07:20 PM   #2 (permalink)
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wow its amazinbg to hear something almost compassionate out of you that was pretty good
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Old 10-15-2008, 09:47 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Is this a poem or a song?
If it's a poem there are a few minor fluency issues you should work out but if it's a song then great. Very passionate.
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I wasn’t writing a haiku. Just because you want one doesn’t mean you’re going to get one.
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Old 10-15-2008, 10:09 PM   #4 (permalink)
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I was toying with the idea of making it a song, but I wouldn't want to corrupt the structure.

I'm fixing it a little bit at a time to correct for flow, just things I notice here and there. I really say all I want to in the poem, though I'm definitely not explicit about it.
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