Rubber's Songwriting Journal
 

Most of these are poems not songs, with a couple of exceptions.

lyrics that I'll never use
 

my straw
was broken
by a camel's back

your jaw
hit the floor
and it stayed so slack

if it's broken then it's broken
and I think i'll take this token
of the words that went unspoken
and exchange it for the moments
that i'll never get to have with you

no I'm not
laughing at you

there's nothing
else left to do

these thoughts crept into my mind
(I just can't shake them)
sometimes I dream that you lied
(I just can't take them)
but I wake at every sunrise
(I just can't shake them)

and it's the same

A line I came up with once that I've always wanted to fit into a song but have never been able to is:

She was an old and floppy-breasted whore.

haha here let me help you out with that.

looks like i'll have to squeeze a syllable in though

Heh. Nice.

I need captain caveman to come tell me if this sucks or not.

get off my back

it does suck though

Except my contribution of course.

alright. but I think my band might actually use these now, and i'll finally succeed in turning us into a posi-core band. because there aren't enough of those already.

you rhymed "back" with "back"

I am aware.

edit: I intend to edit this, is what I mean. I already have the melody stuck in my head so it's gonna get finished one way or another.

fix'd. sort of.

where I'll post everything from now on
 

because it's better to keep this **** contained.
P.S. any feedback would be nice
1 a storm, a hole
A crooked rapier of light
Thrust down at the horizon
Left sonic races
To ripple outward
Shaking my eardrums
I sat motionless
Rooted in place
As it was pulled back
Into the black tufts
By a cuff-linked hand

And all hell broke loose
The earth was sucked down
Into the wound
But the looks on our faces
Were of wild excitement
And excruciating pleasure
Arm hair standing
Antenna straight
Receiving messages
From a brand new world

In the abyss we were limitless

2 ramble
my half smile coddles
your naked words
bristling with sincerity.
my bear hugs transform
me into a pincushion.
but that's okay.

just please promise me you
won't let them play taps
at my funeral.
for one, I'm not a soldier.
for two, I don't even like that song.

make it something that
captures what I see
dripping out of every pore
of the trees.
of the earth.
of your skin.
flowing out in tendrils of
translucent gold
toward the sky.
are they marionette strings
or pirate flags?

because I want it to be
relevant to the present
since neither the past
nor future
really exist.

I tried to write in strange
patterns to get you to
think differently.
to see what I see.
It didn't work but
I continued out of spite.

3 you, i don't like you
an absolutely sickening knot
took residence in my gut
when I saw you flip-flop that diamond across your knuckles
who are you to be so careless with something so precious?

I.
don't.
forget.

I want to slash it, tear it, bite it
not you, but the idea of you
someone who stands on such a small pedestal
and mistakes the ground for the sky
but gets away with it because the fault becomes endearing

you are you, I am me, he is he, she is she

badump. new.

song, spectrum
 

maybe I'll get some feedback this time?

spectrum
Let me show you my true colors. x3
Let me show you what lies between these colors.

Oh twisted spectrum
Let's go and get some
More of what we wanted

Oh twisted spectrum
Let's go and give some
More of what we flaunted

Cause I'm quite the angel
And at the right angle
You can see my halo glimmer
And I hope that you're a swimmer

Cause by now you're waist deep
In all that **** I tried to keep
Buried down
But it filled the town, but it filled the town

The liquid rainbow in all your favorite shades of brown

Oh let me show you
All of these ugly colors
Yeah I'll make 'em rhyme and keep in time
But it's all the same **** underneath

Studder step
Studder step
Please don't hesitate again

Oh twisted spectrum
Just help me catch them
All the demons in my sleep
And all the ones I've yet to meet

Flutter step
Flutter step
Lift me up and fly me out

Somehow, I don't think this song is complete without adding the line "taste the rainbow". :laughing:

I rather liked the middle, but I think the very start needs to be redone.
Using the word colors twice, doesn't go well for me. I try to never use the same words twice in succession, unless it's almost impossible not to.

Branching off from the "swimmer" line into "waist deep", was good. I like lyrics that are formed around general topics and tell stories.

The beginning is actually supposed to be a repeated thing with the second line being said once at the end, I don't know if that changes your opinion of it. I need to start marking those kinds of things.

I liked the transition with the swimmer - I think the start needs a little work though, it feels awkward when I speak it.

Protect Yourself
 

I don't get out much anymore
I stay home
alone
watching
windows

And I've been sleeping on the floor
I don't know
how to
escape
death throes

They said: Son, you're a threat to society
Take a seat, let me teach you
the value of propriety

They said: Son, the world is cruel and dangerous
Protect yourself, curl your fingers
this is how you make a fist

It's been getting harder and harder to say hello

The second line doesn't make much sense. Grammar is an important aspect in regaurds to the meaning of your poem, comma's should be used very sparingly. Pauses are better done with line breaks. Instead of saying "they said" you could write it from their perspective, to better set a scene. The diction could be better too. Try using words that metaphorically speaking could only mean exactly what you want to say and that have a connotation that reflects the overall feeling or mood. I'd suggest some revision.

Neat, but I thought that the thread was about contraceptives (judging from your username as well).

haha that's pretty funny =)
I think you're right about the line breaks, I hesitated to go on a line break spree. I think I will try to revise this too.

i like how the poem makes you feel the how you are alienated from the rest of the world, as if what everyone else does does not apply to your own life. interesting perspective on how to see the world

Laying down
 

It's happening
the weight of it percolates through my skull
with all the elegance of a cheese grater
the sting lingers
bleaching my bones
which by now are being held together with red ribbons
rattling and swaying in the wind
it happens all the time

I'm on my back after the fact
and the sky weaves through itself
playing dancer
to a tune I can't seem to hear
over the cacophony
of breathing walls
blinking eyes
and final heart beats
(the exclamation point at the end of each passing)
all simultaneous
all endless
the art is lost on me

This is good.

thank you :)

Hot Fuzz
 

Hot fuzz grows from the pores
Of my wood paneled walls.
Sustained by the same stale air
That now sits stagnant in my lungs.
It has been over saturated
With repeated phrases.
Miscarriages of soliloquies
And inward promises.

As evidenced by my blood flushed face,
To breath again is but a pipe dream.
Instead I sit wishing on stars unseen,
Waiting for the color to drain from my pupils.

This was by far one of the best things I've ever read in here. I'd consider changing the title though because the first thing it makes me think of is the movie of the same name. :)

thanks that means a lot :)
I completely forgot about that movie until after I named it haha.

yea i thought this was gonna be about the movie haha

but yes it's a very good writing

Hm...doesn't look like I can change the name. Oh well.

Punch
 

The shadows of weeds emerge
from cracks in the sidewalk to
chew my shoe laces.

You land butterfly kisses on my knuckles
just
before the punch
That displaces air like
jigsaw magic.
It greets the surface
with meteoric customs.

Listen to yourself, your howls.

Root-spread nerve endings
sing the joyous
chorus of pain
to your brain.
The world turns through a skew
ed time funnel,
Distorted through a lens
Perforated with blind spots.
In hind sight, hind sight is a luxury.

if i may; why did you separate "skewed" into two different lines?

just a stylistic thing I felt like trying out. skewing the word skewed.

ohh. if you think of it like that it makes more sense

Yeah, concret poetry is cool sometimes (where you create a concept by physically doing something to your poem, like making it in the shape of a tree). Not really my favorite device personally, but I can appreciate it.

I can't tell, or didn't spend enough time, figuring what the work as a whole means and was only able to pick-up bits and pieces. But I like the feeling of some of the imagery, it seems raw. "Root-spread nerve endings" That's painful to hear, for example. Unless you purposefully fluctuated the mood of your poem and I'm missing it because I missed the meaning, my advice would be to try and keep that raw mood throughout the work.

Overall, decent work though. Better then I thought it would be, maybe I'll read over some more of yours but I am sort of staped for time lately. But again, really liking some of the raw imagery.

Great concept, but it doesn't really flow, and it doesn't make sense.
I'd like to see you write some stuff that has more of a rhythm people can pick up on, or else a short story or limerick.

Your a good writer though. :D

I think it has great flow and imagery. The story is a little vague. I'm having a hard time deciphering whether it is an emotional or physical punch. There are times, though, when explaining yourself fully is unnecessary because the beautiful thing about art is that it is fluid. No one will completely empathize or know your true feelings behind this piece, but you. No matter how much you explain it to us, most of us will correlate the words that you say and emotions you express with our own personal life.

i really enjoy it. =]