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Old 01-04-2009, 06:23 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Senses and Suicide Poem

This is a poem I wrote during english class. The prompt was relating a peppermint to the five senses, and I went an entire different direction with it due to having been preoccupied with a friend's recent suicide.

12.15.08
The pain of loss exceeds the sweetest of simplicities,
Death too soon overshadows these striped candies.
This peppermint brings out memories:
The Sight of a little girl, smiling, running, candy in hand.
The Sound of my father's jaw snapping at the dinner table.
Yet again the mind will return to darkness.
Oh, the Taste of sweet sorrow, the Aroma of regret.
Realizations that came days, months, years too late.
A life has been taken
"Hold on, if you feel like letting go."
By the absence of a mother,
"Hold on,"
The apathy of a father,
"It gets better than you know."
And the carelessness of humanity.
Here i sit in this desk, crinkling an empty wrapper.
Somewhere, there is an empty desk, an empty bed.
And empty hearts that lay awake,
Writing personal letters of regret, never to be sent.
And with that fifth sense, we Feel nothing.

Let me know what you think.
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Old 01-04-2009, 06:25 PM   #2 (permalink)
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I think it is great.
I like poems and songs that incorporate two thought/ ideas/ feelings and turn out great, such as this.
Top class!
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Old 01-06-2009, 04:39 PM   #3 (permalink)
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That's good as well. Is all of your work that depressing? I like a lot of it!
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Old 01-08-2009, 07:59 PM   #4 (permalink)
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For the most part what I write is somewhat depressing.
I find it hard to write about happiness, because I'm content when I am happy.
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Old 01-12-2009, 08:07 PM   #5 (permalink)
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That was... absolutely phenomenol.

Well done.

Wow.
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Old 02-21-2009, 01:43 PM   #6 (permalink)
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thats got to be the best poem ive ever read, or at least the one ive enjoyed most
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Old 02-21-2009, 03:59 PM   #7 (permalink)
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The emotion was right on, I think you couldn't do any more justice to your friend than this. A poem is one of the most meaningful things to me, and I know your friend would appreciate this. Again, great great job.
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Old 02-21-2009, 04:05 PM   #8 (permalink)
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It's decent given the prompt, but i think it's funny that you bolded lines that you borrowed from a good charlotte song.
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Old 02-21-2009, 04:10 PM   #9 (permalink)
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It could do without bold and italics. Subtlety can go a long way.
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Old 02-21-2009, 07:44 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Well, it isn't written perfectly, but it does have something that makes it seriously phenomenal. I think it's the way you related the peppermint to your friend, it was beautiful, really. By the way, I am very sorry about your friend. I'm always telling people this and I'm sure you have some people to talk to, but I'm always here to pm or something. It seems wierd, I know, but I couldn't resist myself from at least offering just in case. I hate suicide.
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