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Old 01-13-2009, 01:29 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Blind Luck Lottery

Blind Luck Lottery

Always on the brink of something new,
A spinning wheel that never lands on you.
Changing her thoughts through out the day,
Still can't predict what she might say.

Never does things in black and white,
Changes heart and mind, over night.
Although never depending on what you say,
Thoughts of her's always indecisively grey.

Never able to gather her emotions,
Doesn't want to be together or alone.
Her feelings always seem to contradict,
Thinking of her makes me awful sick.

Never does things in black and white,
Changes heart and mind, over night.
Although never depending on what you say,
Thoughts of her's always indecisively grey.

Somehow its never up to you..
But the effects always pour out..
And take you down with her..

Comments/Critics Welcome
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Old 01-15-2009, 11:13 AM   #2 (permalink)
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bump. . anybody?
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Old 01-15-2009, 05:00 PM   #3 (permalink)
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fine, then.

This has good flow. Though you haven't specified whether or not it is lyrics or not, the repetition in poetry form might not be a great thing, but in lyric form is OK. Forced rhyme is not my taste, however. It comes across as though you are trying too hard. To me forcing rhyme, tends to lose what you really want to say.

Not sure how this is a "lottery" verus just the inability of telepathy. But then again you never see the headline "Psychic Wins Millions".

It is a good read...I do like your use of timed out syllables in your lines...I do the same thing...so to me it is more lyrics than a poem.
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