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Old 01-17-2009, 04:55 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Location: Hagerstown
Posts: 10
Default I Write Poetry!

Here's one now!

Hanging Presents

I'm still leaving artistry behind
so I can find something new
without stopping myself
from crying to you on the phone

as my dwindling
dwindles down to nothing
and the tapped wires
begin to share their secrets

I'll make sure that you're watching me
from the house next door
or the next street over
in this horrible neighborhood

when the rocks start to crumble
down my atmosphere
and the children begin leaving
so you can hold your own legs up

I
will
be
laughing
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Old 01-19-2009, 07:39 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default

Another:

God, It Won't Leave

something so different
unchangeable
full of the dark flesh
that they loved

that is, before the smack
on the back
when we covered tracks
from a stack

of cards
cue cards that helped her
until she found out
what to hear

and the field is
wait, I forgot
I need my medicine
to make me feel better

guessing games
bleeding screams
repeat after me
"I'm not gonna cry"

he doesn't see color
so he keeps calling us racists
even though
he's uneducated

a high-class monopoly
of the higher power
that the game never saw
until later
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Old 01-19-2009, 08:39 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Nice, I admire your prose. Just try to avoid words like blood (bleeding etc), screams (screaming etc) and, if possible, mentions of the dark or darkness. The last one is pretty hard to avoid, it's just a word I think gets over-used. A good thersus comes in handy.. but yeah these are great.
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Old 01-19-2009, 09:08 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonace View Post
Nice, I admire your prose.
It's not prose, it's poetry.
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Old 01-19-2009, 09:21 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Oh ****, I confused that word with another. Crap I hate looking like a jackass.. which unfortunetly happens often.
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Old 01-19-2009, 10:21 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonace View Post
Nice, I admire your prose. Just try to avoid words like blood (bleeding etc), screams (screaming etc) and, if possible, mentions of the dark or darkness. The last one is pretty hard to avoid, it's just a word I think gets over-used. A good thersus comes in handy.. but yeah these are great.
Thanks for the compliment.

Yeah, I tend to overuse a lot of words/phrases in my writing. I try not to, but I can't help it sometimes. Still, thanks!
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