Music Banter

Music Banter (
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-   -   Looking for good constructive criticism... (

cmgypsy11 02-05-2009 03:35 PM

Looking for good constructive criticism...
please tell me what you think. I've copywritten it already, but will make future revisions, I'm sure. thank you!

Find a Love in Me

come and grace this pillow.
come and rest your soul.
these blankets, they billow,
as they watch us keep hold.

come and fill my bones.
come and kiss my air.
let the warmth prose the tones,
as we enfold in stare.

come and be,
to a dulcet degree.
stay with me,
in such simple reverie.

maybe thinking about adding some lines and making it a song... dunno yet.

Lutherfish 02-05-2009 07:39 PM

I like it. But I think that for it to be a song, you should maybe put more words in there for syllabic consistancy.
It just kind of drops near the end.

sleepy jack 02-06-2009 12:39 AM

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