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Old 02-05-2009, 03:35 PM   #1 (permalink)
Groupie
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 4
Arrow Looking for good constructive criticism...

please tell me what you think. I've copywritten it already, but will make future revisions, I'm sure. thank you!

Find a Love in Me

come and grace this pillow.
come and rest your soul.
these blankets, they billow,
as they watch us keep hold.

come and fill my bones.
come and kiss my air.
let the warmth prose the tones,
as we enfold in stare.

come and be,
to a dulcet degree.
stay with me,
in such simple reverie.

maybe thinking about adding some lines and making it a song... dunno yet.
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Old 02-05-2009, 07:39 PM   #2 (permalink)
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I like it. But I think that for it to be a song, you should maybe put more words in there for syllabic consistancy.
It just kind of drops near the end.
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Old 02-06-2009, 12:39 AM   #3 (permalink)
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http://www.musicbanter.com/song-writ...-policies.html
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