Music Banter

Go Back   Music Banter > Artists Corner > Song Writing, Lyrics and Poetry
Register Blogging Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read
Welcome to Music Banter Forum! Make sure to register - it's free and very quick! You have to register before you can post and participate in our discussions with over 70,000 other registered members. After you create your free account, you will be able to customize many options, you will have the full access to over 1,100,000 posts.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 02-08-2009, 10:46 AM   #1 (permalink)
Groupie
 
aveneficus's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Cincinnati, OH
Posts: 44
Post A Burden in My Bed

thoughts/criticisms appreciated

A Burden in My Bed
Awakening in the dark,
A man struck a match.
The light flickered on his face,
Pallets of color escaping grey eyes.
He reached for a cigarette,
And took one long drag.
Exhaling floating smoke,
Weightless in the stale, winter air.
Reaching beneath his pillow,
He withdrew a brandished pistol.
Stumbling towards the door,
And falling to his knees in hollow silence.
Forgetting the pistol on the hardwood,
The man struggled to reach his feet again.
His worn hands pulled the door ajar,
Harsh winds breaking the threshold.
He glanced outside,
But only momentarily.
Turning his back to the world,
Returning to pale blue sheets.
With cigarette still burning,
His head rest upon the pillow, softer than before.
Eyelids portraying a peaceful darkness,
His mouth, a carefree smile.
And as his body lost its feeling,
That faithful cigarette hit the floor.
__________________
If dreams are like movies, then memories are films about ghosts
aveneficus is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-08-2009, 12:28 PM   #2 (permalink)
Music Addict
 
Elvon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Uppsala/Sweden
Posts: 62
Default

Not good at all (:
Elvon is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-09-2009, 03:12 PM   #3 (permalink)
Groupie
 
aveneficus's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Cincinnati, OH
Posts: 44
Default

can some of the people on this site that actually intellect review this please.
__________________
If dreams are like movies, then memories are films about ghosts
aveneficus is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Similar Threads



© 2003-2019 Advameg, Inc.

SEO by vBSEO 3.5.2 ©2010, Crawlability, Inc.