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Old 08-21-2009, 07:07 PM   #21 (permalink)
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You lost me at ice cream. After that, the song stopped feeling real and started off down the road to schmaltzy cliches.

But what kind of song are you envisioning?
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Old 08-25-2009, 05:47 PM   #22 (permalink)
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I like it. It is simple and positive.
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Old 08-28-2009, 03:03 PM   #23 (permalink)
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Default A Sweetheart

A sweetheart is one of God's greatest creations.
Whose love brings to the heart.
A sweet sensation.

She makes everyday worth living.
Her love is always there for the giving.
A love that makes sorrow take flight.
That lights up the heart.
Like fireflies light up the night.
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Old 08-29-2009, 04:20 AM   #24 (permalink)
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Default Your Kiss

Your kiss is sweet as a candy cane.
Soft as a summer rain.
Soothing as a soft pillow.
Free as a weeping willow.

Sweet as honey.
More precious than money.
Wet as a winter snow.
The kind that is dreamed of.
This I know.
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Old 08-29-2009, 09:05 AM   #25 (permalink)
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Hi Lamar Cole,

Looking at your separate threads, I see that your songs/poems all deal with love and in a positive way, which is sweet to see. This poem, a "Sweetheart," portrays a sweetheart as someone who is appreciated because she makes the beloved feel loved and happy. This makes me wonder, though: is the person (who is the voice in the poem) in love with the *feeling* of being loved, or actually in love with the *sweetheart*? My impression is that often when people first feel love, they are more in love with *being* in love than with the actual person, the very real person, who is not just there to always be giving to you.

You use the metaphor of sorrow taking flight and the simile of her love being like fireflies lighting up the night, which always does seem magical when one sees it. The metaphor and simile you use remind me of the line from that famous song, "You light up my life" and seem a little cliche. Of course, many people like that song! I suppose I see love less as a sweet confection and more like a salad with some bitter herbs and some garden soil grit still on the leaves, so a super-positive love song sounds fanciful to me.

You appear to be placing periods at the end of lines even when they are unnecessary. The first two lines, for example, are actually one sentence and do not need (should not have) a period between them, if one follows traditional grammatical rules.

I recommend you read what is posted at the top of the songwriting section--
Sticky: *Important* Songwriting Thread Re-Launch *Please Read Before Posting*
because it asks people to post their works in *one* thread. There are several reasons for you to do this:

(1) Posting in one thread makes it easier to follow your works sequentially and see changes over time.
(2) It reduces the total number of threads in the songwriting section.
(3) If you have all your posts in one thread, then the total number of people viewing that thread will increase, which will likely increase the total number who decide to look at the thread since people, out of curiosity, tend to visit threads that have large numbers of viewers.

You can contact a moderator to merge your threads since the moderators don't appear to be doing this themselves.

--Erica
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Old 09-02-2009, 08:45 AM   #26 (permalink)
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Quote:
A love that makes sorrow take flight.
Personally, this was the only part that I reacted to. Everything else seemed a little bit cliche. It isn't poorly written, though.
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Old 09-02-2009, 11:12 AM   #27 (permalink)
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Default Her Eyes

Eyes so green.
Like ones in a sweet dream.
Eyes so round.
Shining like moonbeams.

Eyes so pretty.
Loveliest in the city.
Eyes so bright.
Like stars shining in the night.

Eyes so soft.
Like those of a spotted doe.
Eyes so tender.
Brings to the heart sweet surrender.
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Old 09-02-2009, 08:53 PM   #28 (permalink)
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This may be the textbook definition of 'short and sweet.' I don't know if these are lyrics, but I had a little trouble getting it to flow, but that could easily be fixed with music backing it up. Maybe cut down some syllables in the longer lines, like so:

Quote:
Eyes so green
From my sweet dreams. [shortened line]
Eyes so round
Shine as moonbeams. [conjoined to previous line to shorten 'shining like' to 'shine as.']

Eyes so pretty.
Loveliest in the city.
Eyes so bright
Like stars gleaming in the night. [used a different word other than 'shining' because it was already used.]

Eyes so soft.
Soft as a spotted doe's. [repeated word twice to shorten line.]
Eyes so tender.
Brings my heart sweet surrender. [maybe use a different word, since 'sweet' was already used?]
I like the rhyme scheme, or lack of one, I should say. Though aaba is one of my favorites, lol. Songs or poems that don't use the same continuous pattern sometimes don't flow as good, or get repetative. I may have butchered you poem here though, you may have wanted to keep it simpler, as it was. If so, I apologize.
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Old 09-02-2009, 09:05 PM   #29 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AwwSugar View Post
Personally, this was the only part that I reacted to. Everything else seemed a little bit cliche. It isn't poorly written, though.
I agree, but that line ran good with 'as fireflies light up the night.'

I notice, Lamar, that you have an attachment to the adjective 'sweet' and the adjective/noun 'light,' as they both exist in your other poem, 'Her Eyes.' Obviously there is also attachment to the topic of love, but in a beautiful way. The only problem I would see with this (since it isn't neseccarily a bad thing) is that words are like swords, and the more you use the same one, the duller it will get. Try to widen up your vocabulary when you write, to keep all of your words sharp.

I like this one better than 'Her Eyes,' but my only wish is they were longer! Everything in life is too short, I suppose.
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Old 09-04-2009, 12:23 AM   #30 (permalink)
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Someone meshed Lamars threads together rather poorly. I now look like a poor sap whose talking to himself, ha.

Reading these other poems, I do like what you're doing, but I think they're a tad too simple and are a little too repetative. I mean, begining one song/poem with all the same word/phrase is alright, but there is a habit forming here.

JMO
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