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Old 08-27-2009, 02:00 PM   #31 (permalink)
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" Untitled 2 "

Daddy and mommy feel the same way
Think you can twist me like molding clay
Won't forget that sisters here
Won't let me live,
Just be like her, dear
Just act like her, dear
Just talk like her, dear

No hiding in the nooks,
Can't survive in the crannies,
Decibels vibrate cause sisters here
Won't let me run,
Just be like her, dear
Just act like her, dear
Just talk like her, dear
Don't you love us?
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Old 08-27-2009, 09:16 PM   #32 (permalink)
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Quote:
Daddy and mommy feel the same way
Think you can twist me like molding clay
Won't forget that sisters here
Won't let me live,
Just be like her, dear
Just act like her, dear
Just talk like her, dear

No hiding in the nooks,
Can't survive in the crannies,
Decibels vibrate cause sisters here
Won't let me run,
Just be like her, dear
Just act like her, dear
Just talk like her, dear
Don't you love us?
The topic hits home pretty well for me. Being in someone's shadow really sucks--especially if your forced into it.

-nick
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Old 08-28-2009, 10:44 PM   #33 (permalink)
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Thank you.
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Old 08-29-2009, 10:51 PM   #34 (permalink)
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" Oranges "

Coils,
Slipping in and out,
No more,
Blood flow from my mouth
Day of life will thrash on us
Dials of the sun collide with lust
Ditches flood,
We're rotting
Rotting,
Rotting

Coils,
Twist around my chest
Buttons,
Which one to press?
Day to night we're thrashed upon
Pumping water from our lungs
Ditches remain,
We're rotting
Rotting,
Rotting
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Old 09-02-2009, 08:42 AM   #35 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Shivs View Post
Yeah dude, I've actually thought about it, and I don't really like it either. :\ Guess I can't take it off now, but whatever. Thanks man.
No problem. It was what you were thinking at the moment.

But honestly, you can change whatever you want, it's your work.
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Old 09-06-2009, 09:44 AM   #36 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Shivs View Post
" The Vat "

One in nine o' nine
Relocate through the currents
Can you sleep through white nights?
Into the jungle, man
Hide from the turrets

When the hands of the father
Come down on our family
We choose to salute
Are you loyal?
Will you enjoy my fruit?

Mouths were raped of voices
But that's not what the point is
We all are united,
Our language is unique
One drop to drop
One week to reek

When the hands of the father
Come down on our family
We choose to salute
Are you loyal?
Will you enjoy my fruit?

Hey dudes, finally out with some new lyrics. I've been kind of busy since I last put some up, so it was nice to finally write again. So, the topic of my latest lyrics is the infamous Jonestown Massacre. My father was born and grew up in a town in Guyana, not far from the site where Jim Jones would initiate what he called, a "revolutionary suicide". Jim Jones held a mass suicide in the form of purple juice, mixed with amounts of cyanide, sedatives, and tranquillizers. The name of the song comes from a picture of the aftermath, with a vat of the poison juice in the foreground and dozens of bodies laying the in background. The lyric, "One drop to drop" is reference to the method of feeding cult members a drop of the poison through a syringe. "One in nine o' nine" refers to the nine hundred and nine followers who were pronounced dead. Only two survived. The lyric, "Can you sleep through white nights?" is referring to events in which Jim Jones would give the people of Jonestown four choices: 1. Attempt to flee to the Soviet Union 2. Conduct "revolutionary suicide" (This was simulated after reaching a vote twice before the real loyalty test was brought on [The lyrics "Are you loyal? Will you enjoy my fruit?" is reference to these so called tests]) 3. Stay in Jonestown and fight purported attackers 4. Flee into the jungle (Which is where the lyric "Into the jungle, man" comes from) Hope you all enjoyed these lyrics, I hope to be writing again soon.
Hi Shivs,
Your poem describes well the chilling events in which many people chose to die, killing their children/infants, because they believed what Jones told them: that death was preferable to not being able to follow their socialist/communist dreams, which they feared would be destroyed after some of the Jonestown cult community members in Guyana of South America killed a U.S. congressman who had visited the compound/community.
I just read Wikipedia's description of Jonestown and what led up to the suicide and murders. Your description also helped explain your poem--without the description, I would not have known what the poem was about.

The topic is a fascinating one. A poem that describes the disturbing side of human thoughts and tragic actions serves as a reminder to check one's own thoughts and avoid making the same mistakes. You are very right that mothers stepped forward so the cyanide poison mixture could be injected into their babies' mouths by syringe, before taking the poison themselves. Some families defected beforehand when they were able to get away. I wish they had all left! !hat saddens me the most is that so many who stayed did not speak up against Jones...how many were afraid to? How many believed him? It sounds like many of the followers did forget there was more to life than idealistic visions, and that even imperfect life is preferable to no life.

Quote:
When the hands of the father
Come down on our family
We choose to salute
Are you loyal?
Will you enjoy my fruit?
I especially liked the stanza above because it would still makes sense to me even if I didn't know the poem was about the Jonestown massacre. I like that the poem asks the questions that people there were asked: "Are you loyal?" which was part of the peer pressure (to which humans are sadly very susceptible) used to try to control others' actions. I wish all those people would have answered, "No, I am not loyal to you. No, your fruit is spoiled; I will not eat it. Life is preferable to non-existence. Being able to live is always preferable to dying, because when you are alive you have a chance to shape life and change the things you don't like."

One recommendation I have is for the poem to include more references to the massacre so that readers can understand what the poem means without needing an explanation about it. Without the explanation I would be confused about parts of the poem, such as the details that refer specifically to Jonestown (for example, "one of nine-o'-nine" and "white nights"). I wonder if there would be a few additional words you could use that would make the poem into a broader description of people following a cult leader while some choose to escape...or perhaps add more information in the poem to explain what the details mean so that it clearly describes Jonestown even to those who don't know all the details?

On to the next poem:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Shivs View Post
" Untitled 2 "

Daddy and mommy feel the same way
Think you can twist me like molding clay
Won't forget that sisters here

Won't let me live,
Just be like her, dear
Just act like her, dear
Just talk like her, dear

No hiding in the nooks,
Can't survive in the crannies,
Decibels vibrate cause sisters here
Won't let me run,
Just be like her, dear
Just act like her, dear
Just talk like her, dear
Don't you love us?
Shivs, in the first three lines I am a little confused about who is the subject of the lines. The first one describes the parents. I think the next line, "Think you can twist me like molding clay," is addressed to the parents. So, the poem switches quickly from addressing the parents in third person to addressing them directly. Who is the subject of the third line? Is it the parents who won't forget that sisters live here, or is it the speaker (the "black sheep" sibling) who won't forget it?

Is the following what you mean? (I've added a few words):

Daddy and mommy feel the same way.
They think they can twist me like molding clay.
I can't forget that sisters here
Won't let me live.

The last line ("Don't you love us?") seems especially sad to me: the idea of parents implying that one of their children doesn't love the rest of the family just because he isn't behaving like the rest of them.

I'm glad you are enjoying writing again. It is fun, isn't it? I'm still not done with my rap song, because I get distracted by other ideas!

--Erica
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Old 09-06-2009, 06:09 PM   #37 (permalink)
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Good writing dude. Do you play and record? or just write?

I really liked the first one about rape... I like when people cross some sort of boundary.

Also, where in Canada are you from.
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Old 09-06-2009, 10:30 PM   #38 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by VEGANGELICA View Post
Hi Shivs,
Your poem describes well the chilling events in which many people chose to die, killing their children/infants, because they believed what Jones told them: that death was preferable to not being able to follow their socialist/communist dreams, which they feared would be destroyed after some of the Jonestown cult community members in Guyana of South America killed a U.S. congressman who had visited the compound/community.
I just read Wikipedia's description of Jonestown and what led up to the suicide and murders. Your description also helped explain your poem--without the description, I would not have known what the poem was about.

The topic is a fascinating one. A poem that describes the disturbing side of human thoughts and tragic actions serves as a reminder to check one's own thoughts and avoid making the same mistakes. You are very right that mothers stepped forward so the cyanide poison mixture could be injected into their babies' mouths by syringe, before taking the poison themselves. Some families defected beforehand when they were able to get away. I wish they had all left! !hat saddens me the most is that so many who stayed did not speak up against Jones...how many were afraid to? How many believed him? It sounds like many of the followers did forget there was more to life than idealistic visions, and that even imperfect life is preferable to no life.



I especially liked the stanza above because it would still makes sense to me even if I didn't know the poem was about the Jonestown massacre. I like that the poem asks the questions that people there were asked: "Are you loyal?" which was part of the peer pressure (to which humans are sadly very susceptible) used to try to control others' actions. I wish all those people would have answered, "No, I am not loyal to you. No, your fruit is spoiled; I will not eat it. Life is preferable to non-existence. Being able to live is always preferable to dying, because when you are alive you have a chance to shape life and change the things you don't like."

One recommendation I have is for the poem to include more references to the massacre so that readers can understand what the poem means without needing an explanation about it. Without the explanation I would be confused about parts of the poem, such as the details that refer specifically to Jonestown (for example, "one of nine-o'-nine" and "white nights"). I wonder if there would be a few additional words you could use that would make the poem into a broader description of people following a cult leader while some choose to escape...or perhaps add more information in the poem to explain what the details mean so that it clearly describes Jonestown even to those who don't know all the details?

On to the next poem:



Shivs, in the first three lines I am a little confused about who is the subject of the lines. The first one describes the parents. I think the next line, "Think you can twist me like molding clay," is addressed to the parents. So, the poem switches quickly from addressing the parents in third person to addressing them directly. Who is the subject of the third line? Is it the parents who won't forget that sisters live here, or is it the speaker (the "black sheep" sibling) who won't forget it?

Is the following what you mean? (I've added a few words):

Daddy and mommy feel the same way.
They think they can twist me like molding clay.
I can't forget that sisters here
Won't let me live.

The last line ("Don't you love us?") seems especially sad to me: the idea of parents implying that one of their children doesn't love the rest of the family just because he isn't behaving like the rest of them.

I'm glad you are enjoying writing again. It is fun, isn't it? I'm still not done with my rap song, because I get distracted by other ideas!

--Erica

Hey man, thanks again for the feedback. Yeah, I agree with you, I hoped "The Vat" could have explained itself in the lyrics, but I have no idea how to do it differently! Usually when I write the words come on their own, without thinking, and also usually I'm pretty satisfied with the finished product :P Not to say I'm in love with all my lyrics, pretty sure I'm my own worst critic, haha. It's pretty hard to live up to the good comments I've gotten in the past, which makes it tougher to write than when it did when I first posted here, because now I have a reputation that I have to live up to :P :\ Props to you for churning out such consistently awesome songs Erica! Also, in reference to the second set of lyrics, the line "I can't forget that sisters here" means that the parents constantly make remarks about the "sister" and how wonderful she is, how everything she does is perfect, thus the other sibling hears nothing but praise for his sister, which is pretty hard to ignore, yeah?
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Old 09-06-2009, 10:35 PM   #39 (permalink)
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Good writing dude. Do you play and record? or just write?

I really liked the first one about rape... I like when people cross some sort of boundary.

Also, where in Canada are you from.

Thanks for the comment dude, and no, I don't play and record right now. I'm hoping to bring everything together once I get a guitar, and possibly add some of my keyboard in there (if I could get my friend to provide some drums, that'd be good too). About the rape song, I agree, I think that we need to cross more boundaries, more lines. We gotta get out of this "I love you girl" or "I love you boy" rut, in my opinion. I'm in Manitoba, and you?
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Old 09-07-2009, 08:07 AM   #40 (permalink)
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We gotta get out of this "I love you girl" or "I love you boy" rut, in my opinion. I'm in Manitoba, and you?
exactly, I kinda addressed that in a album review I did of a 3 Doors Down cd the other day.

Im in Prince Edward Island
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