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Old 07-27-2009, 01:18 AM   #11 (permalink)
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On the contrary, I think he has alot of potential.
Potential like, he knows how to spell and arrange words and could conceivably, on the off chance that he chooses the right words, arrange them in a way that resembled a good song...or what? Because again, this song is 100% awful if we're talking content. I'm not trying to personally attack here, but really. Everything about this is bad, from the simplistic, repetitive rhyme scheme to the childish, nonsensical lyrics. I mean, I can agree that he has potential in the same way that every other person on earth has potential--with enough practice he's bound to improve (like anyone...), but there really is nothing redeeming about this song whatsoever, and if he continues to write in this manner he will never draw anything but derisive laughter from me.
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Old 07-27-2009, 12:08 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Potential like, he knows how to spell and arrange words and could conceivably, on the off chance that he chooses the right words, arrange them in a way that resembled a good song...or what? Because again, this song is 100% awful if we're talking content. I'm not trying to personally attack here, but really. Everything about this is bad, from the simplistic, repetitive rhyme scheme to the childish, nonsensical lyrics. I mean, I can agree that he has potential in the same way that every other person on earth has potential--with enough practice he's bound to improve (like anyone...), but there really is nothing redeeming about this song whatsoever, and if he continues to write in this manner he will never draw anything but derisive laughter from me.
I think humor should be the direction he takes.
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Old 07-27-2009, 12:22 PM   #13 (permalink)
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I think humor should be the direction he takes.
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Old 07-27-2009, 12:28 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Old 07-27-2009, 12:31 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Drugs (15x)
Doesn't really get the point across enough.

Make it (350x)
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Old 07-27-2009, 08:00 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Doesn't really get the point across enough.

Make it (350x)
Sounds like a grindcore track now.
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Old 07-27-2009, 11:08 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Hi, Tanner,
Like I wrote you in my PM, I have read the unhelpful feedback some people gave you on your lyrics. I wish they would offer more constructive criticism instead of resorting to ridicule, which serves no purpose other than to make them feel big while trying to make you feel small. At least Conan said they are "just giving you a hard time," but I feel this is not a fair way to characterize their turning someone and someone's work into the butt of a joke.

Tanner, there are no rules in art: you may do what you want and say what you want in your songs. This, at least, is my philosophy. Your songs deal with serious issues. People's reactions to the way you present these issues can help you decide if you want to construct your lyrics differently to elicit different responses...or you can keep your lyrics as they are.

I encourage you to use their "negative energy" and turn it into positive energy...find motivation in their derision. This, at least, works for me, because I write songs that most people probably won't like, due to both the subject matter and the way I write them! Your opinion on your own work is just as important as someone else's. Still, it helps to have someone supportive who is listening to your work in order to give you a different perspective than your own. It is nice to feel heard. I had a teacher once who used to read poems I wrote long ago and tell me what he "saw" in them. That was a precious gift to me, and because of how much his gift meant to me I try to give it to others.

I have some suggestions for your song about drugs. First, I like the subject that it begins with: the idea that when one is no longer taking drugs, life can seem awful. I've often thought how sad it is that people are so unhappy (or bored) with their lives that they decide to use drugs to create artificial excitement...and I imagine letting go of that, going back to the sober life, would be a huge letdown. I recommend that the focus of your song be on the anger caused by facing the roughness of the sober life. Near the end of the lyrics, it starts to sound as if the song is actually plugging drugs ("drugs make the world go round," etc.). If this portion of the song were sung with some irony, or there were some word choices used to show that *you are describing the lure of drugs without actually recommending people use them* (which I think is the meaning of the song), then I feel that would make the song more effective (assuming the main idea *is* supposed to be the disillusionment with the sober life, yet also the desire not to give in to the tempting lure of drugs when faced with a hard life).

Below I make some suggested changes in bold in your piece:

Quote:
Originally Posted by tanner99 View Post

I never thought I would be so sad,
Never thought I would be so mad
At my sober life

My life was amazing in the past
It passed too fast
Passed way too fast…

Drugs make the world go round round
Drugs keep your sanity intact

Drugs make the world go round round
Drugs keep your fantasy intact

Without drugs I knew the world would stop
Without drugs we'd all give in

To the stress
The stress
The stress from the world so overpowering
death seemed better.
The drugs keep us alive.

Drugs (15x)

Scrub the bugs
Snugs and hugs
Tug the jugs
Thugs in vugs
Chug the mugs
Kill the Lugs
Plug the drugs!

Needles
Pills
Needles
Pills

That’s all I needed in my life
If not for them
I’d fall under the knife

Drugs make the world go round round
Drugs keep your sanity intact

Drugs make the world go round round
Drugs keep your fantasy intact


I never thought I would be so sad
Never thought I'd be be so f*cking mad
At my sober life.
I recommend you repeat the first stanza as the last, so that the song flows from the singer being sober, to remembering all the reasons and the yearnings for drugs, and to ending again with the realization that being sober is hard. I also recommend you repeat the "Drugs make the world go round round" lines to give some symmetry with this chorus, which is repeated twice earlier. (As you see, I changed the second "sanity" to "fantasy" to add some variety, and to emphasize that whatever fantasy people have when using drugs is just that...a fantasy...and will *not* last).

The section beginning with "Scrub the bugs" has a very Dr. Suess-like feel, perhaps to get across the feeling of jumbled thoughts when on drugs? I looked up "Vugs not drugs" online and found out that a vugs "are small to medium-sized cavities inside rock," and lapidary fans buy mugs that say "Vugs not Drugs" as part of an anti-drug campaign.

A final note: I feel rhyming "life" with "knife" is always risky in a song, because this rhyme is used so frequently it is now a cliche. Say, have you considered mentioning some other weapon instead of knife? That would jar the listener, who expects "life" to be rhymed with "knife," since "knife" is used so often as a metaphor for the suffering experienced in life.

Your song interests me because it shows someone teetering on the edge of wanting to use drugs again. I see it as a hopeful song, though, because the person *is* sober, no matter how sh*itty that can feel. If I were writing this song, I'd add the "f*cking" adjective to describe "mad" at the end, because that word, I feel, is the strongest one that can be used in the English language to show the vehemence of the anger...plus, I think it would be what you might say when you're angry, based on what I read in the "In the Key of Sucks" thread!

I had a good friend who used marijuana for years to, as he said, "self-medicate" (he has depression), plus he said it loosened him up in social situations, making him feel more comfortable. Sometimes having low expectations of life can probably help people avoid drugs: if one assumes life *will* hurt and *does* have pain, then maybe one can make peace with the hard times. I wrote a song about drugs...the song's called "Free" (it's in my songwriting section and on my fledgling MySpace page)...and if you listen to or read it, I'd be curious to hear what you think, Tanner, because I feel your "Drugs" song and my "Free" song seem to be the two sides of a conversation.

--Erica

Last edited by VEGANGELICA; 07-28-2009 at 07:57 AM.
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Old 07-27-2009, 11:14 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Who's mom just ruined all the fun?
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Old 07-27-2009, 11:25 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Who's mom just ruined all the fun?
Cael's mom!

Wow! You really read quickly, J. (if I may still call you J). I just posted my Magnum Opus of posts a moment ago! Btw, I've been meaning to give *you* some of my mom-dom wisdom about the twisty-tie vs. candy ring, too...but I haven't had time to do that yet, given my most recent time-consuming, heroic poetic activites!

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Old 07-27-2009, 11:36 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Oh I didn't read through all of it.

I just meant that after the obvious effort put into all that, I'd feel bad if I carried on with my antics.
Although, I'd also feel bad if everything you typed went completely over the poor kid's head, provided he ever intended on coming back after posting in the first place.
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