How about this, I want the harshest judgement possible :D

Pic · 08-25-2009, 03:33 PM

Just going to head this one.. If it sucks don't be afraid to tell me

Think a stampeed can stop me? S*** You just amped me to not be/
The most lamest of crackers, and if you add up the factors/ 99%(Percent) of white rappers will never spit on stage, there just actors.. Going through a thugged out faze/ And it's crazy.. I'm rejected by color.. yeah I'm light, but that doesent mean I'm southern/ When I spit my words have the most illest of meanings/ They leave my enemys heated/ and crackheads feining/ It's not my fault.. it's just who I am/ I'm unnoticed like the D in DAMN/ I never thought I would come this close, I was gutted then came back like ghost/ Bobblehead motherf****** think they can steal from me? There aint no game out there, that I havent peeped, and they'll probably be back, and when they do, I'm gonna make there brain go splat!/ It's a fact I run with a pact, we'll just laugh if you try to attack/ Were equipped with deals for explosives/ Were made with steel Incase you didn't notice/ Were ready to kill guns set on focus/ Were to real, test me and I'll show ya/.

SATCHMO · 08-25-2009, 03:55 PM

You know this is really hard to judge without a beat or any idea of your lyrical meter and cadence.Do the next person a favor and type it out in stanzas so it's easier to follow and conceptualize. If your flow is good it could sound decent, but I have to say that the lyrical content is just awful, even for quasi-ganster rap, which seems to be what you are going for. Really contrived and cliche.There's not a single element of this that isn't a remnant of a worn out phrase or cliche that some other emcee has coined and thousands others after have bitten. Imagining the probable rhyme scheme and beat that would accompany it, it just sounds "stiff". It comes off as being written by a teenage boy fantasizes in his journal about what he would do to the bully kids that tease him in school if he had the chance.

Pic · 08-25-2009, 05:22 PM

I'll get to re-writting, Written, and put blank on a computer is really hard for me... on a beat it's alot easier. this was written off of trick daddy - I'm so hood, left the chorus out.

Rainfall · 08-26-2009, 06:00 PM

I believe Dave had it dead correct on your other thread. So many spelling errors and sloppy writing make for something everyone already seen: amateur rap. I'd really like to see someone break the mold, so maybe study up on grammar and don't rush when writing. It's easy to mix up words when you're flying at a hundred miles an hour, so take your time and put some thought into it.

Hope this helped.

~Rainfall

Nicktarist · 08-26-2009, 09:57 PM

Well yeah, RAP stands for rythm and poetry. It used to be an almost virtuosic genre (by nature) and has now become a very ametuer one. Art (in general) is about expansion and reflection. If it doesn't expand or redirect the course of the entire train, than it's just cargo (dead weight) in the back. (some cargo is good, but if you want to be the best, you've got to be in the front).

So, order your songs into standard poetry form and seperate your stanzas by the hooks. Or, if you'd prefer, just every 4 lines would be fine--even if that's not the technical form your using. The whole \ is only used in CDs and booklets to save on page space and ink.

peace,
-nick

Rainfall · 08-26-2009, 10:36 PM

That was an interesting analogy there. Seen any non-amateur rap? I generally am not interested in anything like it, but want to see if there is anything that piques my curiousity.

08-25-2009, 03:33 PM	#1 (permalink)
Pic Groupie Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Pinellas County, Florida Posts: 8	How about this, I want the harshest judgement possible :D Just going to head this one.. If it sucks don't be afraid to tell me Think a stampeed can stop me? S* You just amped me to not be/ The most lamest of crackers, and if you add up the factors/ 99%(Percent) of white rappers will never spit on stage, there just actors.. Going through a thugged out faze/ And it's crazy.. I'm rejected by color.. yeah I'm light, but that doesent mean I'm southern/ When I spit my words have the most illest of meanings/ They leave my enemys heated/ and crackheads feining/ It's not my fault.. it's just who I am/ I'm unnoticed like the D in DAMN/ I never thought I would come this close, I was gutted then came back like ghost/ Bobblehead motherf**** think they can steal from me? There aint no game out there, that I havent peeped, and they'll probably be back, and when they do, I'm gonna make there brain go splat!/ It's a fact I run with a pact, we'll just laugh if you try to attack/ Were equipped with deals for explosives/ Were made with steel Incase you didn't notice/ Were ready to kill guns set on focus/ Were to real, test me and I'll show ya/.

08-25-2009, 05:22 PM	#3 (permalink)
Pic Groupie Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Pinellas County, Florida Posts: 8	Thank you I'll get to re-writting, Written, and put blank on a computer is really hard for me... on a beat it's alot easier. this was written off of trick daddy - I'm so hood, left the chorus out.

08-26-2009, 06:00 PM	#4 (permalink)
Rainfall Not your best friend. Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Portland, Oregon Posts: 67	I believe Dave had it dead correct on your other thread. So many spelling errors and sloppy writing make for something everyone already seen: amateur rap. I'd really like to see someone break the mold, so maybe study up on grammar and don't rush when writing. It's easy to mix up words when you're flying at a hundred miles an hour, so take your time and put some thought into it. Hope this helped. ~Rainfall __________________ Rule #7 – Trust only when trusted.

08-26-2009, 10:36 PM	#6 (permalink)
Rainfall Not your best friend. Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Portland, Oregon Posts: 67	That was an interesting analogy there. Seen any non-amateur rap? I generally am not interested in anything like it, but want to see if there is anything that piques my curiousity. __________________ Rule #7 – Trust only when trusted.

08-25-2009, 03:55 PM	#2 (permalink)
SATCHMO Al Dente Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Texas Posts: 4,708	You know this is really hard to judge without a beat or any idea of your lyrical meter and cadence.Do the next person a favor and type it out in stanzas so it's easier to follow and conceptualize. If your flow is good it could sound decent, but I have to say that the lyrical content is just awful, even for quasi-ganster rap, which seems to be what you are going for. Really contrived and cliche.There's not a single element of this that isn't a remnant of a worn out phrase or cliche that some other emcee has coined and thousands others after have bitten. Imagining the probable rhyme scheme and beat that would accompany it, it just sounds "stiff". It comes off as being written by a teenage boy fantasizes in his journal about what he would do to the bully kids that tease him in school if he had the chance.