Silliness. First song in a while...

Baabaa · 08-17-2009, 10:31 PM

I thought of the first three lines, wrote them down, and it turned into a song. It even has a little melody. It's the first song I've written in quite a while, so be honest... but don't be too harsh.
It actually isn't based on a personal experience, in case you wonder.

--

I curl my hands
Into a fist
To grab onto my childhood
I hold on tight
Nostalgia takes over
And I can't help remembering you,
No, I can't help remembering you

Do you recall when
We used to run
Down to the park in the day?
You pushed me on
The wooden swingset and
I couldn't help loving you,
No, I couldn't help loving you

All the time we spent talking,
Did it mean a thing
When you moved away?

'Cause I searched that whole playground
But there was no trace
Of your mellow smile
Or your bright face

So I cried myself to sleep
Under the tree we used to sit in
On quiet evenings
There was nothing better to do

Then one day
A long while later
I saw you crossing the street
But then my heart
I swear it skipped two beats
When you said you didn't recognize me
No you didn't recognize me
Didn't even recognize me...

VeggieLover · 08-19-2009, 03:11 PM

hmm. not sure what to say on this one. there isn't anything particularlly powerful about it, though it isn't bad either.

Perhaps the mediocrity lies in the images... or rather the lack thereof. There are only so many words to describe literal feelings, and those words tend to be used over and over again. granted, you did not submit to the classic cliches of heartbreak, but it just doesn't have a depth to it.

Revise it. Really get into the head of the narrator, feel those feelings and remember the verses, rather than just making them up. Rather than relying on "oh i couldn't help loving you" as a lyric, use the images and details to build up a situation so that the reader (or listener) could infer the love rather than simply being told. It has potential.

Arya Stark · 08-20-2009, 10:45 PM

I like the turn it takes.

But also, I'm curious to see what the melody sounds like.

FooFighting · 09-25-2009, 06:38 AM

The ending is like the opposite of a fairytale.
I'm sorry I have no other way of describing.
What I mean is the end is like a great ending to a fantastic book.

I like it!

08-17-2009, 10:31 PM	#1 (permalink)
Baabaa Groupie Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: California Posts: 13	Silliness. First song in a while... I thought of the first three lines, wrote them down, and it turned into a song. It even has a little melody. It's the first song I've written in quite a while, so be honest... but don't be too harsh. It actually isn't based on a personal experience, in case you wonder. -- I curl my hands Into a fist To grab onto my childhood I hold on tight Nostalgia takes over And I can't help remembering you, No, I can't help remembering you Do you recall when We used to run Down to the park in the day? You pushed me on The wooden swingset and I couldn't help loving you, No, I couldn't help loving you All the time we spent talking, Did it mean a thing When you moved away? 'Cause I searched that whole playground But there was no trace Of your mellow smile Or your bright face So I cried myself to sleep Under the tree we used to sit in On quiet evenings There was nothing better to do Then one day A long while later I saw you crossing the street But then my heart I swear it skipped two beats When you said you didn't recognize me No you didn't recognize me Didn't even recognize me... __________________

08-19-2009, 03:11 PM	#2 (permalink)
VeggieLover Music?! Lets boogie! Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: CO Posts: 215	hmm. not sure what to say on this one. there isn't anything particularlly powerful about it, though it isn't bad either. Perhaps the mediocrity lies in the images... or rather the lack thereof. There are only so many words to describe literal feelings, and those words tend to be used over and over again. granted, you did not submit to the classic cliches of heartbreak, but it just doesn't have a depth to it. Revise it. Really get into the head of the narrator, feel those feelings and remember the verses, rather than just making them up. Rather than relying on "oh i couldn't help loving you" as a lyric, use the images and details to build up a situation so that the reader (or listener) could infer the love rather than simply being told. It has potential. __________________ "Not remotely! Because iocaine comes from Australia, as everyone knows. And Australia is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you."

09-25-2009, 06:38 AM	#4 (permalink)
FooFighting Music Addict Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Australia Posts: 61	The ending is like the opposite of a fairytale. I'm sorry I have no other way of describing. What I mean is the end is like a great ending to a fantastic book. I like it!