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Old 08-19-2009, 01:37 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default A short poem to describe strong feelings.

I believe you are so elegant,
their are no words for me to explain,
not even in sentences with blank spaces,
or even a canvas with no paint.
So I will look you in the eyes,
And express this with my heart,
and take the chance of the crevices crumbling apart.


Up side down:
As I awake with you in my arms, and the morning sun is called to arms, the light peers through the blinds, as it paints your face with golden twilight.
If we could just stay in this transition forever,
things could never change,we would never grow,or learn from our mistakes,and with that we'd be sure to never part until the end of days,and I'm so scared to get out of bed, it's so warm between the sheets

one day I'll buy a shrink ray, and shrink you down to pocket size,
and build a compartment in my pocket, the place closest to where my heart resides.
My heart will warm your frigid bones and send frequent messages that your not alone,
I hope your antennas are still up, when the words I long to speak exit my mouth
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Old 08-19-2009, 03:03 PM   #2 (permalink)
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hmm, these have the effect of being a kind of cliche while at the same time possessing a very unique and compelling quality that I can't exactly pinpoint. Though not achieving the status of genius, I must give you kudos for producing something that made me blink a few times and sit back in my chair.

Quote:
not even in sentences with blank spaces,
or even a canvas with no paint.
Quote:
one day I'll buy a shrink ray, and shrink you down to pocket size,
and build a compartment in my pocket, the place closest to where my heart resides.
My heart will warm your frigid bones and send frequent messages that your not alone,
I hope your antennas are still up, when the words I long to speak exit my mouth
These particular sections show the appropriate unique spark that a writer fervently strives for. However, they are coupled with more of the same old stuff that most of us see or even think of ourselves everyday. Take the time to really express something rather than simply regurgitating the common human truths and ideas. We all know about that, though that doesnt make the feelings any less important, it does make the poem or song less effective. touch our heart strings
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Old 08-20-2009, 12:03 AM   #3 (permalink)
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sometimes I like to write freely and be playful,and not too obsessive of the perfect stanza or bar,so i guess it just comes out cliche,because those ideas seem to be the first to pop into anyone's head.
I agree with you about it not being of genius status.
My style and method of writing is changing all the time,
I'll be sure to post more on here.
thanks for the constructive criticism.
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Old 08-20-2009, 02:48 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Oh i wasn't critisising your writing style, i really enjoy that, and by all means, not everything you write has to be refined. However, I do think that if you are going to post on MB, you should at least take the time to edit and really delv deeper into what you are trying to say!

I'll be looking forward to your future work!

Oh, and your welcome
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Old 08-20-2009, 05:12 PM   #5 (permalink)
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The shrinking part was unique. I liked that.
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Old 08-20-2009, 07:08 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Appreciate it man.
yeah I do need to take more time, I've just been so impatient lately..dunno why.
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