The Unfan

How?

VEGANGELICA

I agree with Freebase that creative works, like all art, are or should not be confined by rules, because in artistic critiques there is not one universal set of criteria all people use: we all just have our own opinions. One person may love a song that another hates and neither is wrong; rather, they are simply using different sets of criteria and priorities.

If all people held the same opinion, then a site like MB would be rather pointless (I feel), since it would be like talking with yourself, which I do all the time as it is...and though I give myself great feedback..ha ha!...it is fun to hear from others, too . I like to read other people's opinions especially when the people have different viewpoints than mine (yes, Unfan, I mean you) and also can explain what criteria they use for judging lyrics and giving feedback.

I also agree with Rainfall in that I find it easier to read lyrics that have been separated into shorter lines when this helps in my understanding of the work. This does not make a paragraph form wrong, but just means that I prefer the line format to help provide more visual structure.

Now, on to Pic's works. Pic, I separated both sets of lyrics out into lines for myself to show more of the rhyming, which you use frequently and very effectively, I feel:

Pic, I feel your description, which sounds like a rap song, of a young, poor child finding money and security by becoming a dealer of crack-cocaine, is well expressed. You use a lot of rhyming (and, as those who "know" me on MB realize, I love rhyming) and fascinating images, such as of the little child coming from dirt (poverty) being poured butt-naked into polo pants with gold buttons because he's now such hot shit since he started selling crack.

An example of your dense rhyming is in the last few lines, where I put the rhyming words (where either the whole or part of the word rhymes) in bold or underlined them.

Pic, I also like how the song shows the two conflicting feelings of the child or person he becomes, on one hand wishing the drug dealer had passed him by, on the other hand happy to have the money, the food, the power, etc. that results from dealing. It saddens me to think of this child being called a cracker or swine while he was still considered "unimportant" (although I feel that pigs are wonderful animals).

I think this would make a very good rap song, similar to others about drugs that seem to be popular because drugs continue to be a huge waste (I feel) of money and people's lives, but are a way to get rich quickly that many still follow and may feel is their best and sometimes only avenue to success (although a dangerous and hurtful one to travel).

Again, you use lots of rhyming and the total effect of the song is chilling. Some humor in it, such as when you write "choked, or chopped like suey...better go elsewhere it's about to get gooie." I also especially liked the ones I put in bold because they are clever (saying that there is a fine line between psychotic and not psychotic, but that line doesn't exist in the speaker's mind...in other words, s/he is psychotic). The lyrics sound like a horror movie, a genre that is quite popular, so there probably are many people who would enjoy the graphic nature of the killer fantasy (I'm hoping it's fantasy!) the song describes. Your other poems I've read also show a lot of aggression and deal with tough subjects.

--Erica

__________________

Nicktarist

his use of rhyme. It's cliché to say flow, but there's rythm, and where there is rythm there is some form of, well.. form. Implying form doesn't mean that it has or needs form. It just means that organization of the lyrics in a line by line is possible.

I don't either. I just wanted to make sure that form was not dissed, because some of Bob Dylan's best songs had more straightforward form and they were kick-ass songs. xD

Dude. Hit the nail on the head. I was debating that issue with myself a couple of weeks ago after reading a pretty disgusting poem on this thread and saying it sucked. There was nothing technically wrong with the poem or anything, I was just so shocked that I responded in a 'this sucked' kinda way.

Granted, I hate using the poem as an example, but the writer wasn't aiming to please me--and it was probably his point to make me feel sick and hate everything. In fact, it was obvious that he was trying to do that. I don't want to read, hear, or see it ever again, but he's adhering to his own standard of quality. --which, is all I can ask for I suppose.

peace out,
-nick

__________________

Arya Stark

Instead of arguing, I'll ask you.

Do you feel better typing it like this?
Was the way you typed it just through laziness?

Personally, Pic, I had a difficult time reading it because of the way that it's typed.

But if it's how you feel, and how you want your work expressed, I'd rather you feel comfortable.

Thank you for sharing your work with us.

__________________

MB Journal.
Azucar y Especia. My blog.