Rainfall

[Here is something more recent. I don't really like any of the chorus, but I like the stanza that starts 'Time and time again,' so I thought I may as well put the whole thing in.]

And you stand behind your reflective lens
It’s trying to be as protective as glass can be
Holding head high, you know all is right
Trusting may take more from you than me
It might

Time and time again, we fall
At what cost? It’s all lost to me, now
Eroded as thoughts,
It’s all washed away by sand
Form together, a stand
Sheltered with time
To crush resistance
We’re all burdened with wine
Lessening of minds
Burning like a brand
To hush suspicion

And you stand behind your reflective lens
It’s trying to be as protective as glass can be
Talking time by, she knows all is right
Trusting may take more from her than me
Tonight

You walk tall, following your affective friend
Here, I hope to look as loving as he, holding your hand
She says all is spent, and not to fright.
And your worries, they’re overwhelming, as grains of sand

Yeah, they overwhelm me
But I mustn’t hold you

Withholding, without holding you behind
I want to hold the hand that’s stricken me of fear
I want to caress the beauty of the gesture
And fight back the flow of tears.

Time again
It’s time again
Everything’s fine again, as long as
We stand strong

__________________
Rule #7 – Trust only when trusted.

VeggieLover

:S I've learned a lot about myself in the past few days...one such fact being that i am not nearly as smart as I think i am.

When i said that Diamond Daze was mediocre, i was mostly looking at one or two aspects (which i described). I don't take back what i said, but i also need to remember not to post so haughtely when i get in the kind of mindset where i can't think artistically and everything starts looking the same. I had a long discussion with a fellow writer friend last night about poetry (and i use the phrase "fellow writer" loosely because he is sooo much more advanced than i) and he re-opened the door to the abstract world of poetry.
MY preferred style is what I described to you, but if we all wrote like me, none of us would ever have a chance.

I'll revisit your thread sometime soon and give you some more in depth and more importantly open minded critique. at the moment, im practically asleep in my chair and should either finish my homework or go to bed, and should not be giving advice to anyone. Oy, revelations are tricky buisness *sad smile*

__________________
"Not remotely! Because iocaine comes from Australia, as everyone knows. And Australia is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you."

Rainfall

[I started this awhile back and never finished until today. Again, lacks a complete story or visualization, but just piece of something bigger.

We have someplace to see
But I’m stuck in this race with destiny
Before you can think of what I’m all about
I’m gone already; I’ve got you figured out

I’ll disappear before you ask what I’d do.
See, I’m one step ahead of you
And a league behind everyone else
Who thought we’d question what we felt?

White pedals and tears décor your face
It takes just a mirror to show my disgrace
You’re more than I can ever hope to be
There’s more in this for you than me

I ask if I can stay awhile
I stand in front of you with a smile
And your deep eyes are staring me down
You make love feel daring and unsound.

I throw myself right at your heart with a plea
But it’s now locked tight with a golden key
My heart is like an open gate
There’s room for love, there’s room for hate.

I may always question your decree
You know you can outwit the best of me
And leave me crying in the rain.
You taught me love, you taught me pain.

__________________
Rule #7 – Trust only when trusted.

Rainfall

Revelations are usually very good things. If we didn't have them every so often, how would we change (and for the better, I hope). I realized as soon as I read your post you prefer the type of poetry that paints a very detailed and beautiful image, whereas I tend to write in abstract, indistinct and sometimes hard-to-follow style. I sometimes wish I was the 'distinct image' type of person, but what can I do? Practice, I suppose.

Well, I hope you wait before giving an in-depth critique, as to give me time to (hopefully) blow you away. Give me time to seek and find inspiration, and I'll give you time to get your head on straight. Just because you've found you are not as smart as you thought you were doesn't mean you are and less smart than before, just less ignorant, so good for you. I try to stray away from being ignorant as much as possible, but it is a force that finds it's way into everyone, haha.

I look forward to future encounters.

__________________
Rule #7 – Trust only when trusted.

Rainfall

[I came across this one by accident, and thought I may as well put it up so I can throw away the paper without guilt.]


How the sun's rays
Glide across the ground
Is past my comprehension.
They chase away shadows
And light my path before me
Until the time comes when they
Sleep away the night,
Rendering the land shrouded in darkness.

The sun shall not cast
A ray that lingers behind
Until a day comes when
Blackness rests.

__________________
Rule #7 – Trust only when trusted.

Rainfall

['Attempt I' at using more descriptive language and focusing on a specific moment, as VeggieLover suggested.]


Whispered: (As midnight approaches I feel the hurt)
And so I stare out the window
Calmly at first, but all I know
Is there’s a rising thirst for anger.
I tense and my heart beats faster.

But I can’t succumb to anyone
So I stare out the window.
Hoping something envelopes me.
But all I see is red, through the trees

Sap runs down them like blood
The bark is all bite in the moonlight.
I laugh and cry, letting go would feel too right
I can’t stare anymore.

And so I close my eyes
Hoping to slip in the darkness
But all I see is pain.
My heartbeat stops
Eternal spinning in my head
What I’d give for just one drop
Of red.

__________________
Rule #7 – Trust only when trusted.

Rainfall

[I seem to be one of the few people I know who ingest no caffine, and one day 'caffine caffine' popped into my head. Obviously not trying to break any ground here, just a 'for-fun' kinda thing.

And I'm don't drink alcohol either, by the way. That was for the arrogant American flair.]


Starbucks, starbucks,
Your bar sucks.
You sell no alcohol
Or beverages worthy
Of my thirst.

Caffine, caffine,
What else could I mean,
Than to take your love
And down it all the way?

The other Americans may find
Your sugar-induced comas fine
But I like my hand steady
And my thoughts easily accessible
And ready.

Caffine, caffine,
What else would it seem,
Than for me to take your love
And drink it all away?

Diabetes strikes:
Kidney failure, paralysis, cataracts,
Vascular disease, memory loss, and heart attacks
If that’s not enough to turn you blue
Another result is death too!

Thank you, America, for your free trade
I heart all the choices that I’ve made
I’m stuck here in a hospital bed without a laugh
Wishing to all hell I had a cup of decaf.

__________________
Rule #7 – Trust only when trusted.

VeggieLover

I'm honored by your effort to appeal to my tastes, but I'm still unworthy of presenting critisism. *smiles abashedly* patience I suppose.

__________________
"Not remotely! Because iocaine comes from Australia, as everyone knows. And Australia is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you."

Rainfall

Haha, well your taking this whole thing awfully hard aren't you? I'll let you know when I believe I've made a masterpiece and then I'll demand a critique from you and you alone.

__________________
Rule #7 – Trust only when trusted.

VeggieLover

sounds good. Basically you are going to pry me out of my shell sometimes thats what it takes.

__________________
"Not remotely! Because iocaine comes from Australia, as everyone knows. And Australia is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you."