Please can you look at the start of my new song!!! - Music Banter Music Banter

Go Back   Music Banter > Artists Corner > Song Writing, Lyrics and Poetry
Register Blogging Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read
Welcome to Music Banter Forum! Make sure to register - it's free and very quick! You have to register before you can post and participate in our discussions with over 70,000 other registered members. After you create your free account, you will be able to customize many options, you will have the full access to over 1,100,000 posts.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 10-15-2009, 12:26 PM   #1 (permalink)
Groupie
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 1
Default Please can you look at the start of my new song!!!

Recently, things are starting to change.
Everything is starting to re-arrange.
My thoughts they still stay the same.
That my heart is still with you.

The world around us is going so fast.
Leaving many friends in the past.
No matter what one thing will last.
That my heart is still with you.

I believe that every moment counts
Every second i spend, should be spent with you
I believe in forever with love
I believe in forever with you
If you have to go and this has to end.
The seconds we spent were not pretend
I will come find you to start again
Jsdougan is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-20-2009, 08:53 AM   #2 (permalink)
Facilitator
 
VEGANGELICA's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Where people kill 30 million pigs per year
Posts: 1,993
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jsdougan View Post
Recently, things are starting to change.
Everything is starting to re-arrange.
My thoughts they still stay the same.
That my heart is still with you.

The world around us is going so fast.
Leaving many friends in the past.
No matter what one thing will last.
That my heart is still with you.

I believe that every moment counts
Every second i spend, should be spent with you
I believe in forever with love
I believe in forever with you
If you have to go and this has to end.
The seconds we spent were not pretend
I will come find you to start again
Hi Jsdougan,

The start of your new song has a sweet sentiment: it talks about the common love song theme of wishing to continue loving someone in the future even though the present connection or situation is changing. This topic is so often used in songs that the challenge I feel your song will face is how to make the song feel unique.

One issue you may wish to consider in your song is how commonplace the rhymes you use are. The rhyming of "fast...past...last," and "end...pretend" sound like rhymes I have heard in other songs, so using them may detract from a feeling of uniqueness that I assume you would like your song to have.

As someone who enjoys rhyming, I realize that we are limited by the words we have available for rhyming perfectly. I see you did try using vowel rhyming ("arrange" and "same" as well as "pretend" and "again") to add some variety and expand the topics you can talk about in the song. I feel this is a good way to include a feeling of rhyming without being too limited or constrained by the rhyming.

I notice some places where you could, if you wish, streamline the lyrics. For example,

Quote:
My thoughts they still stay the same.
That my heart is still with you.
could be expressed as follows without losing the meaning:

Quote:
My thoughts stay the same:
my heart is still with you.
Since you are talking about such a common topic (undying love), I feel it would be best to build the song so that it has some unique perspective (your own unique perspective on the events in the song, whether real or imagined). Right now your song lyrics sound very similar to other love songs I have heard. This is not, I feel, necessarily bad or good...that depends on the effect you want your song to have. Most people, I think, gravitate toward song lyrics that express the individuality of the singer very well and thus avoid sounding cliche or trite.

--Erica
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by Neapolitan:
If a chicken was smart enough to be able to speak English and run in a geometric pattern, then I think it should be smart enough to dial 911 (999) before getting the axe, and scream to the operator, "Something must be done! Something must be done!"
VEGANGELICA is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Similar Threads



© 2003-2022 Advameg, Inc.