Can you take a look at this? Lyrics I'm working on.

NSW · 04-21-2010, 06:26 PM

Hi Kyle! Thanks for sharing your lyrics with us.

In case you're wondering why I've merged this song with your old thread, it's because we are asking contributors to the songwriting forum to please limit their lyrics sharing to a single thread.

Thanks for helping us out with this, and happy posting.

KyleSingsToYou · 04-22-2010, 11:18 PM

Alright cool, I didn't know.

VEGANGELICA · 04-28-2010, 04:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KyleSingsToYou

This song is about how me and the girl I love are always kept apart by something or someone, and we always just tell each other "It'll be okay, we'll head to the moon someday" Meaning that all we need is each other, and since we're in a long-distance relationship, we always talk about just dropping everything and going somewhere together.

I never scream when I play music, it's always just me and my acoustic guitar or piano. This time I picked up an electric guitar and screamed, and it felt damn good. So that's how this one will be played.

Constructive criticism is most appreciated. Thanks in advance.

I can relate to the feeling of power and release of aggression when playing the electric guitar, Kyle. It feels damn good, like you say!

I feel that the meaning of your partial song is currently lost among all the different metaphors. You talk about storms, the armoire of stitched smiles in the basement, the space cars (presumably to take you and her to the "moon," representing the future time when you are at last together), and finally the poison (of being separate?) for which you have the antidote (which might be one of you getting a job or schooling somewhere else?).

I recommend you pare down the number of metaphors you use and make sure to draw a connection among those you keep in the song. For example, you could focus on the metaphors of the basement (representing the past) being like a poison that keeps both of you from getting out of your individual houses and finally being together. The antidote would then be a metaphor for how you accomplish this. Right now the song seems to pull in many different directions.

Also, while the anger certainly shows up in the final lines, I'd be careful to make sure you clarify at whom it is directed. Right now these lines could read like you are angry at the girl. I think you are angry at the circumstances and people who seem to keep you apart (but is it really circumstances and people who keep you apart, or the two of you yourselves?).

I also recommend that you find a way to show the anger without relying on repeating the word ****, because to me using **** to express anger in a song seems like the easy way out. I'd drop the "****ing" from "thorn in my ****ing side" and just keep "****" in the final line, if you use it.

If you use "fuck" too often in a song, I feel it loses its power.

See? I used it only once. Shocking!

But if I write fuck, fuck, fuck...by the end you think, "Meh, another fuck."

04-21-2010, 06:26 PM	#11 (permalink)
NSW Bigger and Better Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Texas girl living in the UK Posts: 2,596	Hi Kyle! Thanks for sharing your lyrics with us. In case you're wondering why I've merged this song with your old thread, it's because we are asking contributors to the songwriting forum to please limit their lyrics sharing to a single thread. Thanks for helping us out with this, and happy posting. __________________ Hi.

04-22-2010, 11:18 PM	#12 (permalink)
KyleSingsToYou Groupie Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 5	Alright cool, I didn't know.