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Old 01-24-2010, 05:36 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Coward little boy

(please critique)


I stand there looking at her, knowing what I have to do
But my selfishness and stubbornness is tearing it apart
I could just say a single word, her life would change forever
But the coward little boy inside, is letting it fall apart.

I see the tears running down her face
Her makeup like a big displace
She cries out like a wounded soul
Shot in the heart by nameless fool (x2)

Her pain is clear and I’m aware the damage I have done
Mistreated and misguided I have let her to believe
That I’m a man of integrity, but now I get to see
The truth is far from original, it’s nothing but deceit.

I see the tears running down her face
Her makeup like a big displace
She cries out like a wounded soul
Shot in the heart by nameless fool (x2)

I sit here in emptiness, praying for the one chance to
Tell her that I’m sorry, to show her that I changed
But life is fast and she is gone and all I got to blame
Is the coward little boy inside who did control the game.

I see the tears running down her face
Her makeup like a big displace
She cries out like a wounded soul
Shot in the heart by nameless fool (x3)

Last edited by tkp2005; 01-24-2010 at 07:16 PM.
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Old 01-25-2010, 01:57 PM   #2 (permalink)
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It's not "Displace", it's "disgrace". And that line seems a little awkward.
I also don't think that you should repeat that part so very much. But that's not that big a deal.
I think that you have half-decent lyrics, but so much depends on the music. As a poem, it doesn't really work because I haven't gotten to know either of these characters. For instance, we really don't know very much about the girl at all. All we know is that he dumped her, and that he's sorry he did. But we don't know who she is. We don't know the color of her hair, the way she moves, all the things a little coward boy would think of, or at least that I think he'd think of.
But as a song, you can get away with things like that if the music's good enough.
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Old 01-25-2010, 03:30 PM   #3 (permalink)
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I'm not a huge fan of rhyming apart with apart, but as t3hplatyz0rz said, if the music is right, it will work. Is there anyway you could give us the music?
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