Mikael

I've been writing off and on for a while now but have yet to write anything I'm proud of. I came up with this and think it might have potential and would like some feedback on it, please. So far I think it needs a (better?) conclusion but I started composing it in my head while on a walk and lost most of my creative flow once I got to a place where I could write it down.

Questions for the Undecided and/or Indifferent and/or Unaware

If we let the world burn
Should we be concerned
if it will keep us warm or if we too will burn?
and if we will be than on Earth or, if there is such and unnecessary place, in Hell? Or both?
And if we will be than to what degree and at what degrees and why?

Stagnance, progress, and regress
What's the difference if there is one?
If they made their world can we make ours?

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"Wouldn't you rather your kid be a drug dealer than a drug addict?" John Waters.

VEGANGELICA

Mikael,

I feel your song is asking the question, which is essentially whether there is life after death, more repetitively than it could. The lyrics sound more like an essay to me than a song, especially when you write "if there is such and unnecessary place" and "to what degree and at what degrees and why."

My favorite line is "stagnance, progress, and regress," except I think "stagnance" should be "stagnate" to make it a verb like "progress and regress." Alternatively, you could write, "Stagnation, progress, and regression" to make them all nouns. Also, I feel your second stanza is about a different topic than your first stanza. What do you feel is the connection between the two, and who are the people who "made their world?"

I feel the first stanza has a logical flaw: if the only impact of us letting the world burn (get destroyed) were that we would be kept warm, that sounds like a good thing, rather than something to be concerned about. Your first stanza reminds me of the global warming debate: some people (unaware of how dire the predictions are) think the world will just get a little warmer, no problem!

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Necromancer

Angelica, I hope you dont mind me letting you know that I think I have "just fallen In-Love! with you".. I just loved reading your post, you could inspire someone to become a good songwriter, I really hate to admit my ignorance toward literature, writing, etc.
I want to hear more, but I dont know what to ask, what are some of the most important things (in your opinion) would a person would want to know about writing, lyrics, lyrics with music? in order to become better.
Information like this seems very inspiring to me, Ive been a singer/musician for all of my life, and I always tried to use self-made rule as when writng original material I prefered to do it with a full band, basic rythm section anyway, but I always felt that I could be a good songwriter, and this is maybe going to sound crazy, but I never really wanted to share that part of me with anyone, 'like'..it is personal to me, as long as I know I have the talent thats all that matters or really means anything anyway.
In a way, it seems that the gift of being a good songwriter (not suggesting I am in any way) would seem to always be, or how can I say it, 'Stay Fresh' undescovered, new, different.
I hope some of this makes a little sense to you, Im just rambling on so...Later!

VEGANGELICA

Well, thank you, VB, for your kind words! I'd love to think that what I write, such as for Mikael, is helpful in some way, just as it is helpful to me when I get feedback.

I'll answer you more thoroughly by PM, but here I'll say that what I like most about songs is when they are true to the writer's self and reveal the uniqueness of the experiences and views of that person, speaking in her or his own way.

Of course, there is no correct way to write a song, so everything I wrote to Mikael is just my opinion. Hopefully, whether the writer agrees or not with the feedback, it will help him decide what changes, if any, he'd like to make so that the song's meaning as perceived by others matches his intentions (if that is his goal). Sometimes our intentions behind lyrics don't match how people perceive them, so I feel that is the primary reason critiques are useful.

I agree that songwriting, like any poetry, is very personal, VB...and so I'm always grateful when people are willing to share!

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Mikael

Probably should've clarified that it wasn't meant to read as a song; my bad ><

It was meant to be more a question of why people bother to change the world when it continually just falls back into chaotic stupidity (which is where the two stanzas connect). I was feeling really unhappy that day because that's how I feel when I see the things that happen on a daily basis. But ignoring all of that and just letting it burn, which is what too many people do, lets people be happy- usually at the expense of others (IE materialists:sweatshops). So I'm asking if it's okay to do that or if there would be no way to escape consequences- be it from the ensuing chaos or from supernatural superstitious judgement- and how bad the consequences would be. The last line of the last stanza was meant to question whether it was possible to create a coexisting alternative to the world we live in with people who feel the same way I do- without hope and with much contempt for 'humanity'. I was also trying to criticize religions that use fear and tyranny a bit in the first stanza.

Ah, didn't catch that. Thanks.

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"Wouldn't you rather your kid be a drug dealer than a drug addict?" John Waters.

VEGANGELICA

I like all those questions and appreciate the viewpoints you write in your paragraph, Mikael. I understand your paragraph much better than the poem. For example, I didn't get from the poem that you were criticizing religions that use fear and tyranny.

Have you considered using irony in your poem to emphasize the troubling aspect of people just going merrily on their way, ignoring problems that therefore get worse as people ignore them? Your paragraph that you wrote above sounds much stronger and forceful (to me) than your poem.

About the content of the poem: my opinion is that for humanity, the big picture is hopeless, given what science predicts (accurately) about stars' lifespans. Earth and everything on it will die. In the short-term, though, struggling to make the world better does make a difference in the lives of individuals who are helped. Improving the lives of individual people now is important, since her or his life is like its own little universe.

The scary part of humanity is when the only thing that seems to be learned from history is that nothing is learned from history: people and civilizations sometimes repeat the same mistakes made in the past (racism, genocide, lack of concern for the environment, hurting others for the sake of greed).

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Mikael

That's a problem I've had for a while. The only person who understands what I write is me . Guess I need to work on my clarity.

Agreed. I was just really pissy the day I wrote this

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"Wouldn't you rather your kid be a drug dealer than a drug addict?" John Waters.

VEGANGELICA

Well, Mikael, I did perfectly understand what you wrote in your paragraph ...and I understood part of what you wrote in your poem, just not the full emotions behind the words (which I understood through your paragraph).

I call those moments when I'm feeling very down and pessimistic about humanity my "misanthropic moments." Those are moments when I gleefully say things like, "I look forward to the whole species dying out!!"

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Mikael

A attitude is a good way to look at it, surely.

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"Wouldn't you rather your kid be a drug dealer than a drug addict?" John Waters.

doc

Not too bad. Have you tried to put some music to it?