khfreek's lyrics thread

[khfreek]

just started writing lyrics for my band so I might as well start a thread. here's about half a song I have done (no chorus done yet). will edit with full song soon. any better word choices/critiques would be appreciated

“It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets.” - Voltaire

Blue skies over his place of birth
This day was a time of mirth
He ran fast and grew strong
He was a man before too long
In all this time he thought he knew
Right from wrong and what he’d do
With the rest of his life laid out in his hands
But nothing ever goes quite as planned
A great war began, and no one could say
Which side would be the victor of the fray
Posters ran through the streets of the land
Saying the decider was each and every man
The man wasn’t sure which path to take
To save his life or to claim his stake
As a hero to the people and land he loved
He chose to be remembered instead of unsung
A ship came, gathered all of the men
To his mother he didn’t look mannish then

[Sansa Stark]

nice start, Jamie!

[VEGANGELICA]

Hi khfreek,

I put some comments in bold in your partial lyrics below. Overall, I like that it is a story (because I like story songs). The rhyming choices often seem very simple, perhaps too simple. Also, the rhyming sometimes seems to force what the line says before the rhyme. I'd prefer the lines say exactly what you want without the rhyming if there is ever a time when you have to choose between the two. (This is advice I give myself but rarely take; still, it is easy to give out! )

Originally Posted by khfreek

just started writing lyrics for my band so I might as well start a thread. here's about half a song I have done (no chorus done yet). will edit with full song soon. any better word choices/critiques would be appreciated

“It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets.” - Voltaire

Blue skies over his place of birth
This day was a time of mirth ["mirth" sounds very old-fashioned to me]
He ran fast and grew strong
He was a man before too long
In all this time he thought he knew
Right from wrong and what he’d do
With the rest of his life laid out in his hands
But nothing ever goes quite as planned
[you could say "but nothing ever goes according to plans"]
A great war began, and no one could say
Which side would be the victor of the fray
Posters ran through the streets of the land
[what do you mean by "posters?" I think of posters only as paper images on walls, not running. Perhaps "posters filled the streets of the lands" or "posters plastered the walls of the land?"]
Saying the decider was each and every man
[I think by this line you mean that whether there would be victory would be the decision of each and every man, right? You could say, "Saying that winning required each man."]
The man wasn’t sure which path to take
To save his life or to claim his stake
As a hero to the people and land he loved
He chose to be remembered instead of unsung
[this is my favorite line: "He chose to be remembered instead of unsung."]
A ship came, gathered all of the men
To his mother he didn’t look mannish then
[This last line is my least favorite: "To his mother he didn't look mannish then." First, you have contorted the word order to get the rhyme at the end. Second, I think you mean that he looked like a child, not a man, to his mother then, yet to me "mannish" means someone who is aping or trying to look like a man. I recommend you write something like, "He didn't look like a man to his mother then."]

I hope this helps!

[FaSho]

Not gonna lie, sounds like a rap song.