First post ever; reviews please.

Virtue · 06-22-2011, 12:05 AM

Title: Turn my back(unfinished)

Chorus: The whole world has turned it's back so i just burn one fat, sit back , relax.
I'm all alone and no one knows or even cares as a matter of fact.
The whole word has turned it's back so here i do the same.
I'm all alone but that's okay i don't wanna be around you lames.

Verse 1:
(Uh) Virtue, just deserted and passed.
I'd love to hurt you but that's just out of my class.

Like the end of my lecture and im the professor
Left with stacks of the paper, i give an F to them haters.

I ain't got no one close cause to those who be-friended me
My fan base has shrinken and grown more to my enemies.

This young asian-american that made blind to who'd stare at him,
but if he blinked then they would just seem to be there again.

With a whole world that was arrogant,
deprived of a pride just so people would care again.

And i ask the whole world are you hearin' him?
Unless they deaf then soon enough they gotta be starin' man.

Swear these hoes gotta be feeling him,
this my version of a love note no wonder why i'm concealin' em.

Bitch i loved you and there ain't no questioning that,
but i'm left with no answers as you turn in your test and all i see is your back.

(Chorus)

Again i would love reviews, good or bad it only betters myself as a writer. This is pretty much my first song i've ever actually sat down and wrote. Not sure if i should finish it with a second verse i will leave that decision up to you guys. Thanks for reading!

ParadoxQ · 06-22-2011, 10:35 AM

I find this really good. I can see this is a rap (or a song with rap-a-like lyrics and flow), and I enjoy how you use "near rhymes" as in this strofe:

"I ain't got no one close cause to those who be-friended me
My fan base has shrinken and grown more to my enemies."

Me and enemies aren't rhymes, but if you flow your rap right this line becomes so good. I myself often like to write straight on songs, and this one has what I enjoy about them, which are examples like this:

"Bitch i loved you and there ain't no questioning that,
but i'm left with no answers as you turn in your test and all i see is your back."

This one is one of my favourite lines in your song so far. How you use test as a metaphor instead of feelings and such is a line many kids and also grown ups can relate too. It's fresh, and I haven't actually seen it around. At least not many times.

Work more, write more, live more! : ))

~~The Virgin~~ · 06-22-2011, 10:55 AM

nice. i had fun reading it. awesome work.
anyways, welcome to musicbanter.
hope you enjoy it here. have fun!

Virtue · 06-22-2011, 01:17 PM

Thanks so much for the warm welcome. I tried to relate my life to a classroom setting here merely so i can relate to a huge peer group, your comments really do ignite a new fire in me. I've tried to involve a poetic feel so you nailed it right on the spot and i'm glad you pointed out specific lines that you liked! It's always good to hear someone elses point of view instead of re-reading it over and over myself. There is many more to come so continue to become captured in Virtue's rhythymatic tales.

ParadoxQ · 06-22-2011, 05:11 PM

Nice to hear! I always love poetic spins on different themes! : D

DARKRonnoc · 07-10-2011, 05:51 PM

I'm not a huge fan of the classroom theme, just to be honest. I think you have some good rhymes, but the classroom theme kind of makes it a juvenile song imo

~~LinusZsvenning~~ · 07-13-2011, 02:40 PM

Awesome! Keep the good work up

And welcome to musicbanter! (Even tho im pretty new aswel!

)

peace.. ..

06-22-2011, 12:05 AM	#1 (permalink)
Virtue Groupie Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: Carpentersville, IL Posts: 2	First post ever; reviews please. Title: Turn my back(unfinished) Chorus: The whole world has turned it's back so i just burn one fat, sit back , relax. I'm all alone and no one knows or even cares as a matter of fact. The whole word has turned it's back so here i do the same. I'm all alone but that's okay i don't wanna be around you lames. Verse 1: (Uh) Virtue, just deserted and passed. I'd love to hurt you but that's just out of my class. Like the end of my lecture and im the professor Left with stacks of the paper, i give an F to them haters. I ain't got no one close cause to those who be-friended me My fan base has shrinken and grown more to my enemies. This young asian-american that made blind to who'd stare at him, but if he blinked then they would just seem to be there again. With a whole world that was arrogant, deprived of a pride just so people would care again. And i ask the whole world are you hearin' him? Unless they deaf then soon enough they gotta be starin' man. Swear these hoes gotta be feeling him, this my version of a love note no wonder why i'm concealin' em. Bitch i loved you and there ain't no questioning that, but i'm left with no answers as you turn in your test and all i see is your back. (Chorus) Again i would love reviews, good or bad it only betters myself as a writer. This is pretty much my first song i've ever actually sat down and wrote. Not sure if i should finish it with a second verse i will leave that decision up to you guys. Thanks for reading!

06-22-2011, 10:35 AM	#2 (permalink)
ParadoxQ Groupie Join Date: Mar 2011 Posts: 46	I find this really good. I can see this is a rap (or a song with rap-a-like lyrics and flow), and I enjoy how you use "near rhymes" as in this strofe: "I ain't got no one close cause to those who be-friended me My fan base has shrinken and grown more to my enemies." Me and enemies aren't rhymes, but if you flow your rap right this line becomes so good. I myself often like to write straight on songs, and this one has what I enjoy about them, which are examples like this: "Bitch i loved you and there ain't no questioning that, but i'm left with no answers as you turn in your test and all i see is your back." This one is one of my favourite lines in your song so far. How you use test as a metaphor instead of feelings and such is a line many kids and also grown ups can relate too. It's fresh, and I haven't actually seen it around. At least not many times. Work more, write more, live more! : ))

06-22-2011, 10:55 AM	#3 (permalink)
~~The Virgin~~ Account Disabled Join Date: Mar 2011 Location: Cebu, Philippines Posts: 677	nice. i had fun reading it. awesome work. anyways, welcome to musicbanter. hope you enjoy it here. have fun!

06-22-2011, 01:17 PM	#4 (permalink)
Virtue Groupie Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: Carpentersville, IL Posts: 2	Thanks so much for the warm welcome. I tried to relate my life to a classroom setting here merely so i can relate to a huge peer group, your comments really do ignite a new fire in me. I've tried to involve a poetic feel so you nailed it right on the spot and i'm glad you pointed out specific lines that you liked! It's always good to hear someone elses point of view instead of re-reading it over and over myself. There is many more to come so continue to become captured in Virtue's rhythymatic tales.

06-22-2011, 05:11 PM	#5 (permalink)
ParadoxQ Groupie Join Date: Mar 2011 Posts: 46	Nice to hear! I always love poetic spins on different themes! : D

07-10-2011, 05:51 PM	#6 (permalink)
DARKRonnoc Groupie Join Date: Jul 2011 Posts: 9	I'm not a huge fan of the classroom theme, just to be honest. I think you have some good rhymes, but the classroom theme kind of makes it a juvenile song imo

07-13-2011, 02:40 PM	#7 (permalink)
~~LinusZsvenning~~ Account Disabled Join Date: Jun 2011 Posts: 15	Awesome! Keep the good work up And welcome to musicbanter! (Even tho im pretty new aswel! ) peace.. ..