Fairly new to songwriting

bayleegrl88 · 08-22-2012, 01:39 AM

Electric

From the moment I met you, I was magnetized
Your smile drew me in, had me hypnotized
You swept me off my feet with good old fashioned charm
In your arms I knew I would always be warm
Refrain:
We’ve sunken into a rut now
We’ve got to dig our way out
I refuse to let our passion burn down
(End Refrain)
Chorus:
Oh, how I miss when we
We were like electricity
How the sparks would fly between
Our lips, when we touched
So in love
So pure and free
Pure electricity
(End Chorus)
We’ve gotten used to the “same old thing”
If it ain’t broke, why should we change?
I want a touch to make me blow a fuse
A whisper in my ear “baby, I need you”
Refrain:
We’ve sunken into a rut now
We’ve got to dig our way out
I refuse to let our passion burn down
(End Refrain)
Let’s get in touch with our inner lust
Make everybody stare at us
Like two teenagers, make the whole world disappear
A beacon light, shining in the night, to make the road ahead clear.
Refrain:
We’ve sunken into a rut now
We’ve got to dig our way out
I refuse to let our passion burn down
Bridge:
Baby, don’t give up on me
Because I still believe
We can make pure electricity

Trollheart · 08-25-2012, 05:21 AM

Really good. Keeps the theme of electicity as a metaphor for passion running through the song without getting boring or overused; good rhymes that aren't lazy, and yeah, I can sort of hear the tune in my head as I read it. Great effort.

bayleegrl88 · 08-27-2012, 08:40 PM

thanks, I am glad you like it

I have been trying to experiment with metaphors and changing up rhyme schemes, I am glad its working.

bayleegrl88 · 08-28-2012, 12:00 PM

I can take two shots of cuervo
And still walk straight as an arrow
All you gotta do is press your lips on mine
And suddenly I drank two bottles of wine
Someone ought to put a warning label on you
Be careful how much you consume
Chorus:
I thought my tolerance was high
You came and took me by surprise
Topsy, turvy, you crossed my eyes
Give me this feeling
A feeling I can’t describe, but I guess it’s like
Beer goggles
(End Chorus)
Your lips are so delicious, like a margarita
So salty and sweet, how bad I need a
Drink of that loving, you got me tipsy
Grabbing onto you to hold me up, I’m acting ditzy
I can’t believe you made me this way
You’re 100 proof, I can’t get through a glass of you
So come what may
(Chorus)
Hung over on you, I’m waking up alone again
Trying to pretend everything’s ok on my walk of shame
But you stop by and flash a smile
My visions getting blurry, knowing all the while
A touch is like a daiquiri, a kiss a margarita
And when you pull me close to you, we can make a pina colada
Bridge:
After being near you
I could nearly get arrested
I couldn’t control what I could do
I asked for more when I shouldn’t have tested it
But I will never regret it
(End Bridge)
(Chorus)

Trollheart · 09-03-2012, 07:33 PM

Sorry, this one I hate. Just sounds like you're trying to be too clever, and mixing rhymes that really shouldn't --- "magarita/need a" --- I also don't get the same feeling of sincerity that came through the first song I commented on ("Electricity"?), not to mention that the whole idea of comparing love to being drunk doesn't sit too well with me, though I know that's not what you're going for.

Personally, based on your other lyrics I know you're better than this, and I'd ignore this one. But don't stop writing; you have some good ideas.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bayleegrl88

I can take two shots of cuervo
And still walk straight as an arrow
All you gotta do is press your lips on mine
And suddenly I drank two bottles of wine
Someone ought to put a warning label on you
Be careful how much you consume
Chorus:
I thought my tolerance was high
You came and took me by surprise
Topsy, turvy, you crossed my eyes
Give me this feeling
A feeling I can’t describe, but I guess it’s like
Beer goggles
(End Chorus)
Your lips are so delicious, like a margarita
So salty and sweet, how bad I need a
Drink of that loving, you got me tipsy
Grabbing onto you to hold me up, I’m acting ditzy
I can’t believe you made me this way
You’re 100 proof, I can’t get through a glass of you
So come what may
(Chorus)
Hung over on you, I’m waking up alone again
Trying to pretend everything’s ok on my walk of shame
But you stop by and flash a smile
My visions getting blurry, knowing all the while
A touch is like a daiquiri, a kiss a margarita
And when you pull me close to you, we can make a pina colada
Bridge:
After being near you
I could nearly get arrested
I couldn’t control what I could do
I asked for more when I shouldn’t have tested it
But I will never regret it
(End Bridge)
(Chorus)

bayleegrl88 · 09-12-2012, 06:12 PM

I appreciate your input, and your constructive criticism. I totally get where your coming from, and I know it's not my best, and it's a stretch. I was just trying to do something a little more fun, you know?

**Janszoon** · 08-28-2012, 01:06 PM

I've merged all of your lyrics threads into one. As per this forum's rules please post any new lyrics in this one thread.

blastingas10 · 09-11-2012, 01:45 PM

Just thought id post this around incase nobody sees it on my thread.

YouTube - My Song 3

Looking for feedback, please.

bayleegrl88 · 09-16-2012, 07:51 PM

thank you, i am always glad to hear my work is appreciated

08-22-2012, 01:39 AM	#1 (permalink)
bayleegrl88 Groupie Join Date: Aug 2012 Posts: 14	Would like to get some feed back Electric From the moment I met you, I was magnetized Your smile drew me in, had me hypnotized You swept me off my feet with good old fashioned charm In your arms I knew I would always be warm Refrain: We’ve sunken into a rut now We’ve got to dig our way out I refuse to let our passion burn down (End Refrain) Chorus: Oh, how I miss when we We were like electricity How the sparks would fly between Our lips, when we touched So in love So pure and free Pure electricity (End Chorus) We’ve gotten used to the “same old thing” If it ain’t broke, why should we change? I want a touch to make me blow a fuse A whisper in my ear “baby, I need you” Refrain: We’ve sunken into a rut now We’ve got to dig our way out I refuse to let our passion burn down (End Refrain) Let’s get in touch with our inner lust Make everybody stare at us Like two teenagers, make the whole world disappear A beacon light, shining in the night, to make the road ahead clear. Refrain: We’ve sunken into a rut now We’ve got to dig our way out I refuse to let our passion burn down Bridge: Baby, don’t give up on me Because I still believe We can make pure electricity

08-25-2012, 05:21 AM	#2 (permalink)
Trollheart Born to be mild Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: 404 Not Found Posts: 26,996	Really good. Keeps the theme of electicity as a metaphor for passion running through the song without getting boring or overused; good rhymes that aren't lazy, and yeah, I can sort of hear the tune in my head as I read it. Great effort. __________________ Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018

08-27-2012, 08:40 PM	#3 (permalink)
bayleegrl88 Groupie Join Date: Aug 2012 Posts: 14	Thank you thanks, I am glad you like it I have been trying to experiment with metaphors and changing up rhyme schemes, I am glad its working.

08-28-2012, 12:00 PM	#4 (permalink)
bayleegrl88 Groupie Join Date: Aug 2012 Posts: 14	New Lyrics I can take two shots of cuervo And still walk straight as an arrow All you gotta do is press your lips on mine And suddenly I drank two bottles of wine Someone ought to put a warning label on you Be careful how much you consume Chorus: I thought my tolerance was high You came and took me by surprise Topsy, turvy, you crossed my eyes Give me this feeling A feeling I can’t describe, but I guess it’s like Beer goggles (End Chorus) Your lips are so delicious, like a margarita So salty and sweet, how bad I need a Drink of that loving, you got me tipsy Grabbing onto you to hold me up, I’m acting ditzy I can’t believe you made me this way You’re 100 proof, I can’t get through a glass of you So come what may (Chorus) Hung over on you, I’m waking up alone again Trying to pretend everything’s ok on my walk of shame But you stop by and flash a smile My visions getting blurry, knowing all the while A touch is like a daiquiri, a kiss a margarita And when you pull me close to you, we can make a pina colada Bridge: After being near you I could nearly get arrested I couldn’t control what I could do I asked for more when I shouldn’t have tested it But I will never regret it (End Bridge) (Chorus)

08-28-2012, 01:06 PM	#7 (permalink)
Janszoon Mate, Spawn & Die Join Date: May 2007 Location: The Rapping Community Posts: 24,593	I've merged all of your lyrics threads into one. As per this forum's rules please post any new lyrics in this one thread. __________________ A Night in the Life of the Invisible Man Time & Place 25 Albums You Should Hear Before the Moon Crashes into the Earth and We All Die last.fm

09-12-2012, 06:12 PM	#6 (permalink)
bayleegrl88 Groupie Join Date: Aug 2012 Posts: 14	I appreciate your input, and your constructive criticism. I totally get where your coming from, and I know it's not my best, and it's a stretch. I was just trying to do something a little more fun, you know?

09-11-2012, 01:45 PM	#8 (permalink)
blastingas10 Music Addict Join Date: Aug 2011 Posts: 2,126	Just thought id post this around incase nobody sees it on my thread. YouTube - My Song 3 Looking for feedback, please.

09-16-2012, 07:51 PM	#9 (permalink)
bayleegrl88 Groupie Join Date: Aug 2012 Posts: 14	thank you, i am always glad to hear my work is appreciated