Wounded

The blood shed
My smashed head
The shot of a gun
No light from the sun
You piece of crap
A tattered map
Of where we used to dash
Suddenly, I hear a crash
You've smashed my head against a wall

Someone told you to
You coward, just couldn't say no
You piece of crap, you belong in a zoo
They say jump, you'd ask how high
Now I just want you to go
I treated you like a God
I don't know how, I don't know why
I don't know why I trusted you
You insignificant nimrod

You're a coward
My time you've devoured
You sucked me into your little game
Now I feel so much shame
I fell for it
It was stupid, I admit
The stupidest of all
Now, because I trusted you, on my knees I crawl
I might be even worse than you

What hurt me most
What made me mad
Was that you were the only friend I had


The Unfortunate Truth

Life ticks away before our eyes

It's not as long as you'd think it would be

There's no time to say our final goodbyes

The dark of your eyelids is the last thing you see

Or perhaps a man holding a gun

The last sound you hear is an unpleasant "BANG!"

Sure when you lived you had fun

But is it worth the pain of being beaten by a gang?

You may wonder why it is so

I myself don't know entirely why

But it's true, someday your life will go

Some day, you're gonna die

The thought of this is indeed sad

But that's what happens, no getting around it

Now, the thought of this may make you mad

But there's no need to throw a fit

And there's no need to ask yourself "Why?"

Because, as a wise man once said, "No matter what you do, no matter what you try"

"Someone's gonna lose, someone's gonna die"

Originally Posted by Vanilla (Post 1271534) Your excessive use of rhyming and simple use of vocabulary doesn't really make it a decent poem, sorry. Perhaps read some poetry of others online and see how imaginative you can really be.

Originally Posted by verdi (Post 1271537) What if it is for a pop song?

Originally Posted by wiggums (Post 1271570) Poets don't write pop songs. Marketers do.

Originally Posted by Powerstars (Post 1271503) Wounded The blood shed My smashed head The shot of a gun No light from the sun You piece of crap A tattered map Of where we used to dash Suddenly, I hear a crash You've smashed my head against a wall Someone told you to You coward, just couldn't say no You piece of crap, you belong in a zoo They say jump, you'd ask how high Now I just want you to go I treated you like a God I don't know how, I don't know why I don't know why I trusted you You insignificant nimrod You're a coward My time you've devoured You sucked me into your little game Now I feel so much shame I fell for it It was stupid, I admit The stupidest of all Now, because I trusted you, on my knees I crawl I might be even worse than you What hurt me most What made me mad Was that you were the only friend I had ________________________________________________ The Unfortunate Truth Life ticks away before our eyes It's not as long as you'd think it would be There's no time to say our final goodbyes The dark of your eyelids is the last thing you see [...] And there's no need to ask yourself "Why?" Because, as a wise man once said, "No matter what you do, no matter what you try" "Someone's gonna lose, someone's gonna die"

Originally Posted by VEGANGELICA (Post 1275425) I think your two poems could make great song lyrics for some brooding, depressed songs. I preferred the first one; however, I recommend you don't repeat the word "crap" and instead use an alternative. My favorite line is "You've smashed my head against a wall" because it is so violent and direct. Considering the second poem, I especially liked the opening and final lines, with my favorite being "The dark of your eyelids is the last thing you see" because it makes death so personal. I felt this poem's center section stated ideas too matter-of-factly and would benefit from more rhythmic sentence structures. You do like rhyming, as do I. :) :) Given your topic, I feel that your poems would benefit from a little less rhyming since less rhyming can create a wilder feeling in a song, IMO. Also, sometimes you invert standard word order to create rhymes at the ends of lines. I recommend you follow standard "subject verb object" grammar and allow rhymes to flow more naturally. For example, you wrote, "You're a coward. My time you've devoured." I recommend reverting to natural speech by saying, "You're a coward. You've devoured my time." I feel this will result in poems/lyrics that sound less stilted.