Need help with my lyrics

Aichuk · 08-01-2014, 08:59 AM

So I'm writing a song called Concrete Nation. I feel like my lyrics aren't flowing smoothly (I'm new to writing songs

) So can you help me finetune my lyrics and add new ideas. I'll be looking forward to all opinions.

Aichuk · 08-01-2014, 09:01 AM

Concrete Nation

All smiles are stapled to the cheeks.
The only tears are shred by the freaks.
Desperation, desolation.
Hidden under a beautiful concrete nation.

The walls were built opaque
To cover all that was fake
With blood red bricks and a plastic sheen.
So that everything was fresh and clean.

Because it's a concrete nation.
The paint appears smooth and silky.
But there's something wrong with machinery,
Hello, commander? Can you hear me.

The rooms are made with smiles and sugar
But the sugar don't make thrash any better.
Segregation, no confrontations
In the magical concrete nation.

The walls stand to keep us together.
But they only help tear us apart.
There's no room to get better.
But there's enough room to restart.

Because it's a concrete nation.
The paint appears smooth and silky.
But there's something wrong with machinery,
Hello, commander? Can you hear me.

I feel that we're sinking, can't control what we're thinking
Inside we're stinking, but they're outside no one smells the stenches.
We wanna move ahead, tired of having lies fed.
But we're here lying dead, because our necks are torn by steel trenches.

And it's a concrete nation.
The walls are gonna tear us apart
So tight they will hold,
So that we all implode.
In this wonderful nation.

toosik · 08-07-2014, 01:00 PM

Good luck getting any help on here mate. They're all voyeurs. From what ive seen, people only get excited about lyrics and actually comment when the lyrics are all about hating yourself and the world. They fuc.king love that sh.it.

Ive had over 2000 views and not one comment or critique.

Your lyrics are actually really good. Its hard to comment on the flow without hearing the tune though cos everyone does it slightly differently. People read my lyrics and sometimes think it doesnt flow right, but when its done to music they get it. My advice would be: get the music sorted then just fu.ck about with the bits that you dont like. Hope that helps

08-01-2014, 08:59 AM	#1 (permalink)
Aichuk Music Addict Join Date: Sep 2013 Posts: 91	Need help with my lyrics So I'm writing a song called Concrete Nation. I feel like my lyrics aren't flowing smoothly (I'm new to writing songs ) So can you help me finetune my lyrics and add new ideas. I'll be looking forward to all opinions.

08-01-2014, 09:01 AM	#2 (permalink)
Aichuk Music Addict Join Date: Sep 2013 Posts: 91	Concrete Nation All smiles are stapled to the cheeks. The only tears are shred by the freaks. Desperation, desolation. Hidden under a beautiful concrete nation. The walls were built opaque To cover all that was fake With blood red bricks and a plastic sheen. So that everything was fresh and clean. Because it's a concrete nation. The paint appears smooth and silky. But there's something wrong with machinery, Hello, commander? Can you hear me. The rooms are made with smiles and sugar But the sugar don't make thrash any better. Segregation, no confrontations In the magical concrete nation. The walls stand to keep us together. But they only help tear us apart. There's no room to get better. But there's enough room to restart. Because it's a concrete nation. The paint appears smooth and silky. But there's something wrong with machinery, Hello, commander? Can you hear me. I feel that we're sinking, can't control what we're thinking Inside we're stinking, but they're outside no one smells the stenches. We wanna move ahead, tired of having lies fed. But we're here lying dead, because our necks are torn by steel trenches. And it's a concrete nation. The walls are gonna tear us apart So tight they will hold, So that we all implode. In this wonderful nation.

08-07-2014, 01:00 PM	#3 (permalink)
toosik Music Addict Join Date: Mar 2014 Location: UK Posts: 82	Good luck getting any help on here mate. They're all voyeurs. From what ive seen, people only get excited about lyrics and actually comment when the lyrics are all about hating yourself and the world. They fuc.king love that sh.it. Ive had over 2000 views and not one comment or critique. Your lyrics are actually really good. Its hard to comment on the flow without hearing the tune though cos everyone does it slightly differently. People read my lyrics and sometimes think it doesnt flow right, but when its done to music they get it. My advice would be: get the music sorted then just fu.ck about with the bits that you dont like. Hope that helps