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Old 01-12-2015, 02:10 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 3
Default Deafening

Thanks for checking out my post. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Just for clarification, everything in parentheses would be background vocals. Enjoy!


(Shhhhh...)
...It seems like every sound is so subdued,
Since you went away,
Wishing just for silence,
How heavy silence weigh.

(Shhhhh...)
...It was all the things I said,
You don't wanna hear them any more,
It was all the things I did,
Then you pushed me out he door.

[Chorus]
(Shhhhh...)
...It's now only silence
(Shhhhh...)
...It's the wall that blocks it out,
(Shhhhh...)
...It's another day, I add more bricks,
(Shhhhhhh...)
...It keeps out silence that you shout.

(Shhhhh...)
...It makes my muscle atrophy,
It can't grow anymore,
Confined to this cell I built,
Happiness is a chore.

(Shhhhh...)
...It's all just so deafening,
The silence is all I hear,
Every word that you don't speak,
The silence is crystal clear

(Shhhhh......it)

[Chorus]
(Shhhhh...)
...It's now only silence
(Shhhhh...)
...It's the wall that blocks it out,
(Shhhhh...)
...It's another day, I add more bricks,
(Shhhhhhh...)
...It keeps out silence that you shout.

I don't want to hear your silence anymore

(Shhhhh.....)
...It is now only silence
(Shhhhh...)
...It's the wall that blocks it out,
(Shhhhh...)
...It's another day and I add more bricks,
(Shhhhh...)
...It keeps out silence that you shout.

I don't want to hear your silence any more

(Shhhhh......it)
TheWritingClam is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-12-2015, 11:51 AM   #2 (permalink)
Because I Am, I Can!
 
CoNtrivedNiHilism's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,128
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheWritingClam View Post
Thanks for checking out my post. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Just for clarification, everything in parentheses would be background vocals. Enjoy!


(Shhhhh...)
...It seems like every sound is so subdued,
Since you went away,
Wishing just for silence,
How heavy silence weigh.

(Shhhhh...)
...It was all the things I said,
You don't wanna hear them any more,
It was all the things I did,
Then you pushed me out he door.

[Chorus]
(Shhhhh...)
...It's now only silence
(Shhhhh...)
...It's the wall that blocks it out,
(Shhhhh...)
...It's another day, I add more bricks,
(Shhhhhhh...)
...It keeps out silence that you shout.

(Shhhhh...)
...It makes my muscle atrophy,
It can't grow anymore,
Confined to this cell I built,
Happiness is a chore.

(Shhhhh...)
...It's all just so deafening,
The silence is all I hear,
Every word that you don't speak,
The silence is crystal clear

(Shhhhh......it)

[Chorus]
(Shhhhh...)
...It's now only silence
(Shhhhh...)
...It's the wall that blocks it out,
(Shhhhh...)
...It's another day, I add more bricks,
(Shhhhhhh...)
...It keeps out silence that you shout.

I don't want to hear your silence anymore

(Shhhhh.....)
...It is now only silence
(Shhhhh...)
...It's the wall that blocks it out,
(Shhhhh...)
...It's another day and I add more bricks,
(Shhhhh...)
...It keeps out silence that you shout.

I don't want to hear your silence any more

(Shhhhh......it)
I understand that you wanted to describe that your muscles have seized, or lost ability to be of use with what I have put in bold text in your lyric, but the way you've written that is a bit odd, I say it out loud and it sounds abrupt.

Use of bigger, or more complicated words can sometimes make a lyric or poem sound unstructured, or muddled, cluttered. Sometimes you can get the same imagery, or illustrate what you're expressing, in fewer, less complicated words. This can help make a lyric or poem sound better structured when read out loud. In other words. You can get the same effect from something written in fewer words, than with something long winded where the reader will find the point behind it lost.

I'd also suggest not writing in details like what a backing vocalist would sing when this is in song format, that is something you could always explain about the lyric but not have it being a written part of it.
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