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Old 02-02-2015, 02:24 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Join Date: Feb 2015
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Default First post, First poem, hoping for something long term!

This is my first visit to this site and I've been looking for a site to post my lyrics for critique and obviously if people like them, to keep delivering.

I write hip-hop poetry, not just the hip-hop about nothing or poetry that can get really really weird with word placement and pauses, but something with flow and meaningful. Here's my piece I just got done working on: critique harshly if you want, I don't care how harsh, just give me a reason.

Something like "That sucked" is definitely just frowned upon, but, "That sucked. Here's how you can get better though" is definitely encouraged.


"In His Head"

Is it real? Or is it in his head,

Traveling through time, and hell and back, just trying to break bread,

And those who he shared with never asked to be fed,

But it's what he does when he wants happiness to spread,


Then this little lady with regret in all the right places,

Protecting the right faces, erasing the right traces,

Drawing up a masterful plan that didn't just end in bed,

He was dumb enough to let his string get wrapped around her head,


He was just blind and anxious for the color red,

Love, but didn't know the color was of all he bled,

And now he's a wreck and come in last in all of his races,

Slowing down, so he doesn't lose control of the voices,


Back to crawling after all the fighting he did on his knees,

Pleading for the right to fight for his beliefs,

Realizing those beliefs were tossed to sea from the very start,

Wondering if anything was real as he inflates his bursted heart,


Putting all of this pressure on friendship that's going to turn tart,

Broken hearts painting art, it doesn't look good on this chart,

Serious mental problems and an art of sexual tension,

Extending the line further and further with deeper intentions,


Passion, distraction, walking further with connection,

Transmitting the signals to all of the wrong sections,

Protection is a must after years of building traction,

Against the feelings that caused a chemical reaction,


Now that it's on the table and there is no lack of,

Reminiscing and sneaking off for a passion session,

Retraction in the rear view mirror driving down this road,

Of regret, resent, and no room to grow,


This flower will wilt before it gets to glow,

Knowing this it's still to hard to let go,

He's a broken man, what do you expect?

Sitting in the dark, drinking a glass of regret?


Going through his head on wanting to press reset,

Go back in time and try to find himself again?

I present information and try to help this suspect,

Get out of this confinement he put himself in,


Screaming won't help it's been done before,

He has to just listen to me over the feelings in his core,

Look into his soul and tell him to stop this mess,

Before he has to clean it up and once again digress,


I look at him and he starts messing with my head,

Talking to me like he's me and there's no one left,

And I realize, I'm staring right back at me looking dead,

The mirror is foggy and the feelings getting tense,


As I stare at myself after everything I've just said,

"If you don't listen to yourself you might as well be dead",

'cause the resent, regret, will win in the end,

But still, I walk away with hands up and straight into the red.





Now I have criticism for myself. I repeat a lot of the same words and can't get out of a few words I use. This is my first piece in probably 2 years and I'm a bit rusty. I'm trying to get back on the bike and start riding. The flow may be off here and there as I've always had trouble with trying to explain too much in so little.

So definitely help me out and even enjoy it. I'd love to get some critisism and help myself out.

Last edited by Ayso; 02-02-2015 at 02:30 PM.
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Old 02-25-2015, 08:12 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Hi, I think your poem is sounding really good. I do keep imagining how it would sound being read out loud but I am already getting a feel for the rhythm and the sound of the piece. It's looking really good.
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