rate 4 lines... more to it, however, can't give it all away
 

Maybe your mind will change,
or I'll watch you bleed

And maybe your eyes will sink,
Before you breathe,

Maybe your mind will fail,
before you care,

And maybe you're just hard to take...

I see seven lines.

Are "bleed" and "breath" supposed to rhyme? Because they don't.

Assonance

No they're not.

Agreed, you can really detect it when singing.

Sorry 4 verse.

All right. So what is "before you breath" supposed to mean?

I assume it's "before you breathe".

He said "bleed" and "breath" were not supposed to rhyme, though.

OK, so it's pretty messed up if you take it like it sounds...

The line is: "Maybe your eyes will sink, before you breathe"... Think about normal eye and mouth placement on the human face.

You're right, sorry, just typed it up quickly..

Sorry for the confusion, you were right...

there.

Aren't we all? I thought that's what this site was for.

i know i am ;)

I'm shocked, no major criticism?

What do you want us to say? That "eyes sinking" is, at best, a sloppy metaphor?

Then you'd just be digging to be a critic...

Digging?

Because, obviously nobody has had anything negative to say. So it couldn't be that bad... I guess it's not much to rate.. Now if you were able to explain how it's a bad metaphor and how it could improve I might just believe you.

It's amazing writing. Truly Fred Durst level poetry.

Because nobody cares enough to comment then it must be good?

The "maybe" doesn't make any sense. It'd be better if you cut "maybe", but it will still suck.

The "maybe" at least makes sense here, but then it's followed by an eyes sinking metaphor. I just see eyeballs sinking in the water. Not only is that a nonsensical metaphor, but I think eyeballs float. Could be wrong. Can anyone confirm this?

Like, as in senility? So the singer is dating an old woman?

That's what she said.

:clap:

Lol... jeez.. this is rediculious... you guys live to be difficult eh? Seems like the entire 9 lines, though very easy to comprehend is beyond you? Why do people read so hard? Its right infront of you... Anyhow.. this very poem has won awards.. I am the soul owner, there is quite a bit more. Maybe try looking outside the box a bit.

You begged us for criticism. I delivered.

Satan, is that you?

Oh, I get the meaning. It's just that the meaning isn't worth the getting.

You did.. lol. We're all just joking around here anyhow..

Nailed it. Welcome to MB. :bonkhead:

Thanks brother.

Indeed. Welcome, WhyBanhammer! :)

Thanks, glad to be here

Do people usually ask for criticism of poems that have already won awards?

I see your back. Welcome back.

*you're

**** you Gayboy. You're the reason there's cancer in the world!

Tell that bitch to put a shirt on. Nobody needs to see that.

i love you too, ya albi <3

I'd go gay for you, but I'm not a queer.

^ thats what they all say

I said it first though.

TBF I probably said it first. I just probably didn't make a big production of it.

Well I did, and we all know gays like big productions.